dd is angry at me | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 12:07 pm

I will start out saying why I am anonymous, too many pp know my story. I want advice without someone saying "oh I know that one". dd is 15 yrs old and she doesnt live with me. she went to camp in the begining of the summer. she is miserable there. the other week I had a conversation her telling me how the girls arent taking her opinion about some idea in regard to color war. and shee was upset and I said to her it hurts when pp dont listen to your ideas. and so many problems what are we gonna do. she said to me and your one of them. wow! I was shocked. she was so angry at me. and I put down the phone I just didnt want ot yell or scream I was in shock. what would you do? and I am still trying to reach her its almost a week since then and I am calling her two days and no response. what would you do?

debsey

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 12:10 pm

Absolutely nothing. Ball's in her court. When you are actually physically in the same location as her say "you made a comment that makes me think you're in some pain about our relationship. If you want to talk, I promise to listen non-judgmentally." and then do that. Listen. nonjudgmentally. don't defend yourself.
Get some therapy for you and some therapy focused on how to connect to a really difficult teen. There are parenting classes on this topic too (I think Shimon Russel does one of them in Lakewood)
But for now, nurture yourself so you will be able to nurture her.
Hug

debsey

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 12:24 pm

Your post is a little vague. I might be misunderstanding, but it sounds like you either said or insinuated to your teen that she has so many problems. Or she took it that way. So now she is not talking to you.

I might be totally off....you aren't giving alot of info here.

I don't know your story or the ramifications of what is going on in your relationship with your teen. As the mother of a DD of 15 I can tell you that it's a sensitive age - hormones, self-image, and relationships being at the forefront, in that order. It's tough to be a teen (I wouldn't go back to that age for a million bucks!) and if I told my DD that she had "issues" she would be very hurt.

For my teen, the center of our relationship is that she knows that I love her and will always be there for her, and that I do my best to understand her though I might not always, being more than double her age..... I do my best to show her that her needs, feelings, and image matter to me.

Debsey recommended some therapy for you, with someone who specializes in teen relationships. It's a good suggestion.

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 3:59 pm

thanks everyone for your replies I appreciate them. I dont know if my therpaist specializes in teen behavior even though I did ask her some questions regarding what to read up on teens she didnt recommend anything specific she just said theres so much reading material out there. and did say that the book from faber and mazlish have one on teens. although I think shes a fine therapist I dont know if she is 100%what I need. because of so many other needs I have. she is very good with young kids though when I asked her advice in that area she was so on the ball. but in issues of realtionships with adults, like a spouse or a parent I wasnt so impressed with her answers. lik e I said shes fine. I just want more feedback from her and I dont feel like I am getting it. I wouldnt mind trying someone different at this point though even though I hate changes. absolutely absolutely hate changes. wow thats a hard one. what would I tell her? its hard to tell someon in the face I dont think your giving me enough feedback I need someone that can clarify things for me more. and if she asks for an example I need to come up with one. I feeel like I do alot of the talking. and she stumbles on her words. she isnt that clear of a speaker. I think her speach isnt the greatest. I just cant put my finger on it. I did notice it. but I keep pushing off telling it to her. I feel umcomfortable I am with her about a year now. can someone help me what I would say to her that bec of this and this I need someone else. she is such a sweet person though I like her personality though in that aspect we do click. its hard to have to cut off.

debsey

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 4:54 pm

amother wrote:

debsey-how is that diff then a theraphist? enlighten me please. I just never heard of those terms.

Someone who teaches you how to parent, given your specific situation! I know there are a lot of people who do this. It's not therapy, it's parenting training. I know about it because a good friend went to Dr. Shimon Russell, not for therapy (he's a LCSW) but specifically for help on how to parent a difficult teen. Dr. Koslowitz does this in Lakewood. I think there are people who do it in NY as well.
So it wouldn't be therapy - and you could keep your therapist - more like guidance ONLY about how to parent this kid. My friend was THRILLED with Dr. Russel and it made a huge difference. Don't want to post specifics because I don't have permission to..
Hatzlacha

granolamom

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 8:32 pm

amother wrote:

if you dont think your therapist is what you need right now, you owe it to yourself to find a new one.
either the therapist is professional enough to deal with a client terminating the relationship or she isnt, in which case you really need a new therapist!
you can just say at the start of your next session, or even at the end, this will be our last session. she'll ask why and you can just say it isnt working for you anymore or you'd like to try something new, you are ready for a change, or you'd like a break from therapy. be sure to thank her and smile and not give away more information than you're willing to. you dont have to have a 'closure session' which I know some therapists are big on, and you dont have to explore your reasons with her.
you can also have the conversation over the phone if that's easier for you.

oliveoil

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 10:55 pm

amother wrote:

olive oil-your response isnt helpful. please be specific

It's hard to help without more details, but I certainly don't want to pry or make you feel like you have to tell us more. you don't. But when you mention that your daughter doesn't live with you and hasn't for several years, well that's obviously a huge part of the equation that impacts your relationship with her that we don't know about. The phone call has to be seen in context to your situation, the details of which we are not privy to.

amother

Thu, Jul 31 2014, 11:21 pm

oliveoil-I appreciate your explanation. I understand you very well. I just simply cant get into the details here. its too lengthy and complicated. it would take too long to explain. its sad that it needed to happen for her not to live with me. its probably one of the most painful things that happened to me. she does have the option to come live with me at this point. I just dont think she wants to. so thats one of the frustrating things she has against me. but like debsy mentioned to find someone that can give advice maybe would help.