ISO long term overnight babysitter in BP for toddler

kitov

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 3:53 pm

Harmed? For Life? As in harmed for life?

Yeah, sure.

I've been on imamother for quite a while, and have yet to see ONE, just ONE SINGLE thread crying "my DH is still having trouble many yrs later because he was affected by PTTWBSS", or "HELP! My DC cannot recover from his two week stay at the babysitter, could he/she be suffering from PTTWBSS?".

I've never heard/spoken to/read of ANYONE suffering from PTTWBSS. So unless we chassidim are all nebach affected and harmed and therefore unaware how we are harming our kids, this concept is just misunderstood outside of chassidishe communities.

*PTTWBSS=post traumatic two week babysitter stress syndrome.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 4:13 pm

kitov wrote:

Which is why I would not claim it 'harms for life'.
We have no idea and there's no way of knowing. Too many variables.
However, using pure logic, taking a look at mother nature, and trying to empathize with the toddler, should give us a hint that sending him to a stranger for two weeks might not be a pleasant experience for him. In the best case scenario.

kitov

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 4:26 pm

I'm no expert, and have no statistics to back me up, but my own personal intuition is that when compared, a toddler is probably better off in a warm, stable, albeit unfamiliar home where he is fed, diapered, loved, and lovingly put to sleep with his own blanket from home and his favorite bottle/paci/bottle or whatever, than being cared for by his familiar mommy who is sleep deprived, recovering from birth and suddenly preoccupied with this new 7 pound intruder who is constantly wailing and taking over the house.

Don't know it as a fact, but this is probably what we are relying on when we do send them away post birth. We try to make sure we can get a lovely, warm babysitter (which OP was asking for) and rest up as much as we can so we can "be there" all the way when toddler comes back home.

spinkles

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 4:53 pm

I've taken people's toddlers and preschoolers for several days after they had a baby, and it's been really rough on some of the kids. And these were kids who knew me and my kids well (our families were neighbors or close friends). I was warm and loving and gentle, but still, these kids had a really hard time. (A few of the kids were more easy-going and were fine.) But most of them were fine during the day, but at bedtime, became angry and scared and we had a really difficult time getting them to settle down. They were really missing their mommies. It was traumatic for them.

OP, you say you just moved--I would call Bikur Cholim and the nearby girls' schools and ask if anyone can help you find a girl to get your toddler to the babysitter and take him home, and give him a bath and supper. I have an 11 year old who would love to do something like that (but we're not in NY). I'm sure you can find a responsible preteen or teen who has nothing to do until school starts and would love this opportunity. Maybe you could hire two girls who are friends to do it together so they have each other for company (less intimidating for them).

B'shaah tovah!

Barbara

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 5:21 pm

kitov wrote:

There are in fact studies that suggest that there is real harm in leaving toddlers even with caring strangers for as little as a week.

Quote:

Multiple regression models revealed that, controlling for baseline family and maternal characteristics and indicators of family instability, the occurrence of a mother-child separation of a week or longer within the first two years of life was related to higher levels of child negativity (at age 3) and aggression (at ages 3 and 5). The effect of separation on child aggression at age 5 was mediated by aggression at age 3, suggesting that the effects of separation on children’s aggressive behavior are early and persistent.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pm.....5616/

My own intuition tells me that's accurate, and that a toddler is better off having to wait for meals or whatnot than being removed from his own home and the parents he loves to even caring strangers. The toddler lacks the ability to understand what is happening, and lacks the conception of time to understand that the situation is only temporary. And if the child is aware that there's another child in the picture, I cannot imagine the level of psychological trauma.

Older children, with more understanding, are likely a different story.

But none of that is really relevant to OP. There's a difference between a tired but competent parent, and an incompetent one. And OP tells us that she will not be competent to parent her older child for while after birth, due to physical limitations. I don't really get why she feels that having a sitter come to her home to help with the toddler isn't a workable solution, but if its not, well, then its not. We've all been forced by circumstances to do things that are not the best possible thing for our children, due to limitations on our resources, abilities, or just due to circumstances. OP should do what she needs to do.

But the fact that OP needs to do this doesn't mean that we should pretend it has no impact.

Butterfly

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 12:55 am

I am totally stunned at some / majority of the insensitive responses here! 5 pages no less!

OP clearly stated in her OP how difficult it was for her to send away her loving toddler. How worried she was about finding a reputable trusting and loving environment for him.
That she has no other choice whatsoever!!

How dare us amothers determine for others, what is or is not possible?? What should or should not be done?? what one must achieve or dare not?!

Some meaningful suggestions have followed which was to be expected. But there is a limit!!

Once the OP specifically stated that she couldn't possibly follow through any of those suggestions and begged for everyone to halt right then and there, not only did they ignore her cry; It got to the point where the posters continued reluctantly, hovering over and over again with the same / similar suggestions that were not doable for the OP, IMO.) and on top of that frightening her with 'false' statistics about her toddler's future mental status... How thoughtful!! How helpful!!

Making her feel guilty as ever, as if she'd been the lowest of the low for doing something that has been done routinly in the past for generations AFAIK, when there were no other options, of course!!

It's so easy and even seems tempting for some to judge others so unfavorably.
5 pages of kinda "Holier Than Thy" scenerios....

@ OP
Like an other poster suggested, I too encourage u to go for Suri Illiowitz. She's an amazing person. I know her well. Her phone #; 718-972-0151.

If she's willing to accept your son you can rest assured that he will be in the best of 'loving' care.

Beshah tovah! Wishing you an easy delivery and a quick recovery.
Lots of nachas and simchas from your dear kinderlech all in good health bezr'H.

amother

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 12:59 am

Butterfly wrote:

OP here,

Butterfly thank you!!!! I will call Suri tomorrow. Smile

I really appreciate your support!!

amother

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 1:05 pm

Butterfly wrote:

OP just incase Suri is not available I know someone else who is also excellent. She is in Williamsburg though.
I understand B.P. would be your first choice, but just incase u can't find in B.P. it may pay to go the extra mile... U can PM me for more info if you wish.
If u don't feel comfortable to PM me I will gladly post her name and number here.

OP here,

Thank you Butterfly

Suri is not available till October. I would take a name in Williamsburg. I prefer if you give me the reference here but it you prefer not I can pm you. I just haven't disclosed my pregnancy.

gp2.0

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 2:53 pm

Barbara wrote:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115616/

My own intuition tells me that's accurate, and that a toddler is better off having to wait for meals or whatnot than being removed from his own home and the parents he loves to even caring strangers. The toddler lacks the ability to understand what is happening, and lacks the conception of time to understand that the situation is only temporary. And if the child is aware that there's another child in the picture, I cannot imagine the level of psychological trauma.

Older children, with more understanding, are likely a different story.

But none of that is really relevant to OP. There's a difference between a tired but competent parent, and an incompetent one. And OP tells us that she will not be competent to parent her older child for while after birth, due to physical limitations. I don't really get why she feels that having a sitter come to her home to help with the toddler isn't a workable solution, but if its not, well, then its not. We've all been forced by circumstances to do things that are not the best possible thing for our children, due to limitations on our resources, abilities, or just due to circumstances. OP should do what she needs to do.

But the fact that OP needs to do this doesn't mean that we should pretend it has no impact.

Thanks for the source!

It confirmed something I suspected - "a rapid subsequent birth" in and of itself, is considered as disrupting the family stability in the same way that a week-long separation is. Meaning, a 2 year old who is separated from his mom by a week and a 2 year old whose mom has a new baby will both be more aggressive from ages 3-5 than a 2 year old who experiences no instability.

I agree with the rest of your post. Is this ideal? Of course not. Does the OP have a choice? No. So it is what it is. She is trying her best.