Not being able to watch kids and fast at the same time.

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note

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zelda

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 5:45 pm

Does anyone else struggle with this. The only way for me to fast is to stay in bed the entire time. Rabbanim will say husband should watch kids but that's easier said then done. He can barely watch them all when he is not fasting. And it's extremely hard to find a babysitter. Anyone Jewish/frum is fasting too. And I feel bad begging family members who it will make the fast harder for them.
Today I tried watching my kids for one hour and it was a disaster. I just couldn't do it. It seems like a lose lose situation. Anyone relate? Advice? And yomkippur is even harder with husband in shul.

rachel91

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 5:48 pm

Yes, I understand you. I sent my kids to a day camp today.

My husband took care of them after, I took care of them before, when he went to shul.

On yom kippur last year I called my cleaning lady. Since they usually don't have work then.

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 5:56 pm

I think your dh needs to practice watching his own kids while not fasting. make sure to leave them in his care once a month. I have seen this a lot, and I am of the opinion that fathers need to man up and learn how to handle their own kids for a day. and yes, if they choose, they can stuff the kids full of whipped cream and sprinkles if it helps. they can even let them watch cartoons if they know to keep it within reason. and the house doesn't have to be spotless when their shifts are over. but they need to be able to do the following without their wives' intervention:

-change diapers. this includes solid blowouts, changing any soiled clothing, and possibly bathing the child in question if necessary. it also involves rinsing any poopy clothing. it does not involve calling his mother to come over and do it for him.
-feed the kids. cereal for dinner does not count unless he is sick. he can boil some pasta or heat up some soup if he doesn't actually cook.
-take a toddler to the toilet, wipe, flush, have toddler wash hands properly.
-keep the children from injuring themselves or others.
-keep his cool.
-enjoy his children's company to a certain degree.
-be off his preferred gadgets for the majority of the time he spends watching them.
-keep the children home (as opposed to calling his sister, bringing the kids over for a playdate, and letting her do all the work).
-dress the children/get them into pjs
-bathe all children
-do homework with the kids
-have the kids make brachos/bentch.
-entertain the kids. as I said, this can involve spraying whipped cream into their mouths or some such.

anyway, that's my opinion. your dh has obviously not had enough practice. make sure to have him practice before yom kippur. meanwhile, if you have the ability to do so, let them watch a tame dvd/cartoon. my kids know that watching any form of tv is reserved for when I'm sick, they're sick, or pesach cleaning time. fasting is an automatic sick day.

oh, and have your dh ask about going to shul on yom kippur if you can't function. or see if he can take the kids along with him. is there a kids' program in your shul?

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:23 pm

mummiedearest, I agree fathers should be able to take care of their children. On a fast day though, I don't know why a husband should be more capable than a wife. Men need food and drinks just as much as women. (Unless the wife is pregnant or nursing. Then she needs it more!) But the same way op can't manage fasting and watching her kids, who says her husband fasts any better?!

amother

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:37 pm

kb wrote:

I dont know about the OP's DH, but mine can fast no problem. In fact many times DH doesnt eat until lunch. I cant do that. I cant do carpool in the morning without eating breakfast.

Today instead of helping me put after davening like we discussed, DH went on a road trip with a friend. I found out later that his wife is out of town and he is dead bored. My kids went nuts from having a non-functioning mother. BH there were some activities for the kids on my block. 3 year old wanted to know if I need medicine and actually cried to my DH to get me medicine when he finally came home at about 4:00.

DH is finally doing something and making omelets for dinner. The problem is that he is refusing to personalize it to everyone's taste like I do. There are upset kids now. DH claimed eggs are the same, scrambled or omelets. Lets see how he eats cooked chicken (which he hates) tomorrow night, its the same as baked, right?

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:38 pm

kb wrote:

he goes to shul. he's not in bed all day. that means he handles it better.

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:41 pm

No. It means he's a man and he has to go to shul. The same way I cover my hair even if I have a headache. We do what we have to do.

And sitting in shul listening to kinnos is much easier than taking care of kids.

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:48 pm

kb wrote:

no, it means he's capable of getting out of bed and going to shul. yes, sitting in shul does not require active energy usage, but he's not obligated to sit in shul all day. his wife has a history of NOT being able to watch the kids while fasting. this is not her fault or her choice. since this is the situation, her dh has the obligation to pull his weight as a parent. sometimes being a parent comes before fulfilling manly obligations.

I speak as someone who has fluctuating fasting abilities. there are times when it's not even worth it for me to fast to chatzos, there has been a yom kippur when I had to eat/drink in shiurim, and then there's a fast like today, when I baked cookies with the kids, baked a cake by myself, organized a good portion of my kitchen cabinets, washed dishes, took my toddler out on a walk, and fed the children supper. I know all about different levels of ability when fasting. I also have experience sitting in shul for kinnos, and I have lots of experience watching kids.

and going to shul is not at all the equivalent of covering hair. not at all.

amother

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:48 pm

kb wrote:

I agree with this. My husband had to go to work the day was very hard but u do what u got to do

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:50 pm

amother wrote:

I agree with this. My husband had to go to work the day was very hard but u do what u got to do

going to work and going to shul are different obligations and come with different rules. please note that the op mentioned that rabbanim say men should stay home from shul and watch the kids in her situation. please also note that she says her dh cannot handle the kids alone even when not fasting.

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 6:52 pm

I think we can all agree that there are husbands who pull their weight and husband that don't. I was giving benefit of the doubt to the op's husband.

I hope everyone feels good for the rest of the fast!

watergirl

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 7:09 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

OK, while I agree with the main point this that mummiedearest is trying to make, I take issue with the overall tone. Let me explain - and before I do, OP, I am not making any assumptions about your DH.

I think that many (not all) husbands start off meaning well. They try, or attempt to try, to care for their children. Then along comes mommy or the MIL, swooping in and insisting that DH is doing it all wrong. Look at the list above of things he should be able to do alone. Its not right, I'm sorry. I learned this the hard way, through therapy when I was fed up with DH for never helping with the kids. I learned that my way is not the right way and it is not the only way. So, according to the list, DH should have to remember brachos with the kids. He should bathe them and change their clothes. You know what? It might not happen and that will have to be ok. If the kids are fed, mostly clean, and happy, then well done. Over time, with out criticism from the peanut gallery that they are doing it all wrong (OP, remember, I didn't say this was about you), I think we will find more husbands willing to help out. I think they are just tired of being told what to do. They are parents also.

OP, you said that your husband can barley watch the kids on a given day. Why? Does he refuse? Or are his parenting skills not on the same page as yours?

amother

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 7:09 pm

It sounds like there is a shaila. What does op mean by not being able to fast unless she stays in bed? If she is going to pass out from normal activities, she might have a blood sugar issue and perhaps shouldn't be fasting. If she is going to get a headache or feel weak, that is a different story. I think you might need to ask if you should be fasting at all. If you are so weak from fasting you may be putting your health in danger and you should check with a dr and or rav.

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 7:37 pm

watergirl wrote:

and that is why I say leave him with the kids once a month. don't be there to correct him. and as I said, giving the kids whipped cream and sprinkles is fine, though I doubt most moms would consider that an activity by itself. he can do his own thing, but he should be able to do these things. and he should also be able to use his judgement. if he wants to let the kids run around in pjs all day, that's his prerogative. but he should be able to get them dressed. and he should know how to change them out of poopy clothing. that's not something to be flexible on. feeding the kids- yes, he has to know how to do this, and no, cereal does not count. if he really can't cook, peanut butter sandwiches are fine. but they have to be fed. he can't wait until wifey comes home to screaming children who need sustenance. that's what I'm saying. and yes, I've learned to let my dh do his own thing. I can appreciate his care of the children even if I wouldn't have done it his way. no one is saying that the dh must do everything exactly as dw does it, but these are basic parenting skills. if he doesn't have these skills, how can he handle them if there's a medical emergency and the wife has to be elsewhere? this is just basic. I did specify that this list is without the wife's intervention. and if my tone sounded harsh, it's because I've heard too many complaints about husbands who don't change diapers, don't do bath time, bedtime, etc, won't help their wives when ill, etc. there's no excuse for not being able to handle one's own children on one's own on a regular day. none.

amother

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 8:17 pm

I am not OP but I broke my fast because I couldn't fast anymore AND watch my kids. I have a baby who I am nursing and a toddler. I told my husband either he can watch them and I can lay in bed because that is all I can do or I can break my fast and watch them but it will be on him that I broke my fast since that is the only reason I am doing it. He had to lay down and had a long day himself so I broke my fast to have energy to watch my children.

zelda

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 8:43 pm

Op here. To clarify. My husband is a great dad and can do all the things on your 'list'. Or most:). But he can't do them with all the kids all day when he is fasting. He also needs to lie down and rest for a few hours and take care of work responsibilities etc.... Also it would be very very hard for him to miss shul on Yom Kippur. Would he do it if he had too. Yes. But I would feel very badly about it. I know Torah says. But it's still hard. I was in bed for 8+ hours today. My head knows I'm doing the right thing but my heart isn't in it when I know I can't care for my kids. Luckily I had a babysitter today but it is not an easy find on a fast day! It jut feels like in this fasting Hashem forgot that someone needs to take care of the children He gave me.

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 05 2014, 8:51 pm

well, it sounds like you need to make other arrangements. how old are your kids? when my older kids were toddlers, I arranged to spend yom kippur with my sil, whose kids are the same ages. we split up taking care of the kids. we were both pregnant or nursing a couple of years, but doing this together allowed the dhs to go to shul. they took turns coming home to check up on us. we bought special yom kippur toys for the kids and had ready made food available for them. we split up the responsibilities based on who was feeling better when. maybe you can make a similar arrangement if you need to. but if your dh can stay home, don't refuse it. the guilt would be misplaced.

cheerios

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 12:34 am

I try to plan in advance with things the kids can do themselves: I get them a new toy/game, let them watch videos - probably more than they should Sad

, but that's when I need it, plan an easy arts and crafts - stickers they can put on a page, etc.
I find yom kippur much more difficult since dh not home, no videos, arts and crafts... I do buy new toys, but it's still hard.

Ruchel

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 11:58 am

kb wrote:

No. It means he's a man and he has to go to shul. The same way I cover my hair even if I have a headache. We do what we have to do.

You can have a heter to eat on Kippur Smile

Better not go to shul than an accident. Don't think they only happen to others

amother

Wed, Aug 06 2014, 9:21 pm

That doesn't sound normal for fasting. I think you should go to a Dr, definitely before Yom Kippur. A headache is normal. being tired is normal. Extreme fatigue is not. If you have an undetected blood sugar issue, this is not something to play around with. I passed out fasting on Tisha B'Av even though I am hypoglycemic (stupid, I know, but I felt guilty and I thought maybe I could do it) and I have decreased vision now and was told it was damage to my eyes from blood sugar fluctuations.

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