Don't Ever Say "B'sha'ah Tova" !!

Ema of 5

Wed, Aug 24 2011, 6:58 pm

imaima wrote:

Kayza wrote:

imaima wrote:

I know it is not what you expected to hear, but people don't always remember when your previous baby was born. When the community life gets busy with many events and births and what not, do you expect everyone to always remember when you had your baby? After a couple of months it feels like it's been forever. So they see you have a belly and want to be polite and say Be shaa tova.

If you want to be polite KEEP QUIET. Never say anything that assumes pregnancy to a woman, unless you KNOW she is pregnant (ie she told you or something equally solid.) It has nothing to do with anyone remembering how old your last is - or even if there IS a "last" (see the other post about getting a "B'sha'a Tova" on the same day as she found out that she was going to need VF.)

Quote:

Would you be insulted if someone asked you whether you have a new sheitel, if your have your old one on? Or compliment on a new outfit which is not actually new? It is the same thing.

Far, far from it. A pregnancy comment when you are not pregnant either means "you're fat" or acts as a reminder of some painful things (miscarriage or trouble having a baby.) People don't mean to be hurtful, but we grew up knowing that you NEVER ask or comment about someone's supposed pregnancy without an opening from the pregnant woman. There was a good reason for that, and nothing has changed.

Yes, this is the way it is supposed to be. But it is not the way it happens. People do not always remember or assume things about you, even though they should. Even if you grew up knowing something, mistakes still happen. There are so many ways to possibly hurt people because there are so many things you possibly do not know about them - would you stop talking to people altogether?

youre right, no matter what you say you run the risk of insulting someone. but saying b'sha'a tova to someone ALSO runs the risk of causing pain. unless you know 1000000% that she is pregnant, it is a lose-lose situation:
if she is very early pregnant, you will be causing her to lie by omission (unless she is already telling people)
if she needs to lose weight, you have just insulted her
if she had a miscarriage or still born, you will be drudging up those awful feelings

why run the risk? why not just take the extra step of sensitivity, and not say anything until she says somwthing to you? it wont hurt you, and chances are no one will be insulted or hurt by a comment that was never made Smile

imaima

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 2:08 am

ora_43 wrote:

morah wrote:

But with pregnancy, it's so so simple. Everyone knows that it's possible that you're mistaken, and everyone knows that if you are mistaken, somebody's feelings are going to get hurt. There is literally no downside to keeping your mouth shut when it comes to pregnancy, and a million and one downsides to opening it.

I wouldn't say there's no downside at all. It can be awkward to be really obviously pregnant but nobody is saying anything. Then it's like, should I say something? But how dumb is it to announce pregnancy when it's so extremely obvious? But if it's so obvious, why has my friend not said anything? etc.

That said, I agree that the potential negative effect if you guess "pregnant" but are wrong is so much worse that it's best to err on the side of caution. Still, while I usually wouldn't wish "b'sha'a tova" to someone I don't know very well, if it were a friend or acquaintance and I know how they usually look and am 90+% sure they're pregnant, I'd probably ask someone if they are so that I could go ahead and wish them well.

And then you will commit an even deadlier sin "Speculating About Other People's Pregnancies" Twisted Evil

amother

Sun, Aug 28 2011, 12:54 pm

imaima, are you Israeli?

I ask because many of my Israeli friends are much more open about this and other topics.

I remember a couple of months after I was married, one friend called me and asked me straight out if I was pregnant! When I said no, she was like "how do you know? Are you sure?" LOL

In my country, noone would have dared ask this, especially in such a direct way! It works the other way too though. This friend was always very open with her own news and would share info about herself that most people would have kept quiet. It is just a cultural thing.

imaima

Sun, Aug 28 2011, 1:24 pm

amother wrote:

No I am not Israeli, but I am a realist. Rather than control other people's mouthes, I think it is easier to grow skin and learn to not take such things too seriously. Especially if it is done by mistake.

torahtots

Sun, Aug 28 2011, 4:03 pm

SIL once asked DH if I was pregnant. He retorted "are you ugly?"

I've been asked if I was pregnant and said I just had a miscarriage, which really shut them up good.

I've been asked when I was due and said I'm not pregnant. And the (older) woman said "OMG, I used to hate it when I was your age and people did that to me!" Get a brain!

I've also heard "never assume someone is pregnant unless you see the head crowning." Words to live by.

One day some of my friends were complaining about how they get asked so often whether they're pregnant. I suggested we market a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to the belly that says. "NOT A BABY. JUST FOOD."

amother

Tue, Aug 19 2014, 5:36 pm

I am pretty thin but unfortunately I have a lot of digestion issues and am often nauseated and have morning sickness at least a few times a week. So many people (my parents, boss, doctor,friends etc.) have thought I was pregnant because of this even though I am very explicit about this being non-pregnancy related. I understand why they make that assumption but it is somewhat upsetting because I wish that I were pregnant instead of just feeling awful for no good reason. I have decided not to take it personally since I know people just want the best for me.