Defiance | Imamother

amother

Wed, Aug 20 2014, 4:25 pm

I know it's age appropriate and normal for 3 year olds to be somewhat defiant and it's not happening at an alarming level, but it is happening and I don't know how to deal with it. I do a lot of positive reinforcement- praise, stickers etc. Until now, my main consequences have been time outs and taking stuff away- but then, until now, he's only had to be disciplined due to actions (like, say, shoving a sibling) and not words. But now he sometimes talks back. Like I tell him to clean up his toys and he crosses his arms and shouts "No way!" Or if I tell him it's time for bath or dinner and start trying to redirect him he will yell at me to "stop it!" So how do I handle this? I want to get the message across that we don't talk to imma (or abba) like that. Also, he has some mild language delays, so it is difficult to have conversations with him. He understands a lot but doesn't always respond appropriately and has trouble with eye contact (he gets services, but the bare minimum as the delays are mild).thanks.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 20 2014, 4:33 pm

Is he the type of child that would respond better to choices rather than direct commands?

as in

Clean up your toys = no way!

but

Which would you like to pick up first, the cars or the trucks? might get you "I wanna first pick up the cars....."

At this age, the best way to teach him how to speak to his parents might be, not to put him into a position where his response is negative....as that can get him used to responding in a way that you don't want.

MitzadSheini

Wed, Aug 20 2014, 4:39 pm

Don't panic! But DO get him checked out by a GOOD paed. A few things that you said together in your post set off bells for me. Not alarm bells, but pleasant, tinkling bells saying that managed the right way, this child has enormous potential to be an amazing eved Hashem. Daven like crazy that H will send you the right people to help manage this child, and then, difficult as it is, GO AND SEEK help. This is in NO WAY a negative comment about your parenting!!!! This child will help you and your whole family grow.

amother

Wed, Aug 20 2014, 5:28 pm

mtzadhasheini wrote:

Thanks, he is getting help. We have excellent therapists and he's got an IEP and about to start at a really great yeshiva for IEP kids. We are on top of it, b'h. I'm just looking for tips on dealing with this new stage he's at. I will ask his speech therapist but I know I can get some valuable advice here too.

MitzadSheini

Wed, Aug 20 2014, 7:31 pm

Ok ok my apologies I was just worried because sometimes with this sort of thing people are too embarrassed to get REAL help because they think the child's difficulties reflect badly on them. And then they try to get help anonymously from message boards like this and it is not enough. Anyway clearly you are not in that situation so I apologise from jumping to the wrong conclusion.

To answer your question directly I agree with the idea that it can be helpful to give the child the illusion of choice and control. Eg do you want to pick up the toys first or put away the books first? I feel that Hashem deals with this way all the time: he gives us the illusion that we are in control of so many things in the world, when in reality we are only in control of whether we choose to serve Hashem or not. This is why I feel that a child who has this kind if issue has such enormous potential. Because he is challenged with a yetzer hara to control the world, as he grows and comes to learn that the borei olam is borei and manhig of EVERYTHING , then he will be an AMAZING eved Hashem.

I would also add that a lot of defiant behavior is fear in disguise. Fear that, for example, he does not know how to do what is being asked of him. Of course that fear can come to all of us, and it stems, I believe, from not realizing how much we can ask Hashem for help.

My Hashem give you strength and wisdom to cope with these challenges!!