What house rules do you have?

amother

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 3:13 pm

Dawling wrote:

The oldest has a hard time obeying authority, whether it's me, DH, the baby sitter. What should I do? Does she need more attention?

I may have missed how old she is, but if she's a preteen, the answer is to use authority very sparingly. Constantly making sure that a child knows she must submit to your authority is often a prescription for rebellion or depression. Focus on coaching and advising rather than making sure she knows who is in charge.

Think about how you would feel on a job, for example. Would you respond better to a boss who constantly made sure you remembered who was in charge, or would you respond better to a boss who spoke with you regularly and gave suggestions from time to time and helped you see how you could have handled situations better.

Kids are the same. No child with even a slight independent streak wants to be reminded of how little power she has over her life. Unless she's engaging in behavior that is genuinely dangerous or self-destructive, try to give her as much control as possible. That includes living with the consequences of her decisions.

amother

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 3:25 pm

bigbird wrote:

Love this. The hardest part for me is explaining this mentality to a kid when they don't chip in…

Agree that this can be difficult. First of all, even if everyone pitches in equally over the course of a day, week, month, or whatever, it can still seem at any given time like someone is slacking off. Second, there are some people who do slack off, given the opportunity.

I have one slacker, and the problem is partly addressed by peer pressure (after a while, her siblings get genuinely annoyed at her and she realizes that she's gone too far) and partly by her finding niches where she doesn't mind doing more than her share. For example, she loves setting the table for Shabbos (including dragging out every salt cellar and charger and cut-glass tchotchke I own, which makes for a lot of dishes!). Her siblings hate setting the table, so she has made that "her" job.

So over time, everyone has realized that the slacker is not going to shlep in groceries, but she'll gladly do a job they hate. So it's a valuable lesson in negotiation. Sometimes it's also a valuable lesson that things aren't always 100% "fair" in families. Hopefully, though, it will balance out somewhat over time.

avocado7

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 4:46 pm

I suggest they all be in bed at the same time, each with his or her own book or toy
according to there age . Especially picture books are interesting..........but explain any questions during daytime-about the book !!

Then each child gets a turn every night to receive quality time with you !
Write out a rota so you and they know whose turn it is.

ONLY if quiet -while waiting for there turn-will they be rewarded with your quality time.
keeping your word & letting them know that if silence is not obeyed .............they use up there minutes with you.
(Have a pen and paper next to you -to record it !!!) they loose 1 minute every single time he or she interrupts.
remind them now you have 4 or 3 minutes left + so on . Allow she or he know 1 more interruption will
mean you've used up all your minutes.

They should all know that keep on Reminding him or them this several times "in the briefest of words" as possible. (If your; for example)" nagging" to them "it never" gets heard- always keep it brief.
Bearing in mind that it's not " disruptive or abusive " interruption,on there part or else he or she could loose all there 5 minutes in 1 shot !!!

Too bad ! only say " sorry I warned you about it " -It's only fair to make them understand the rules first.
Before giving them consequences."

-You can definitely give them more chances , if there very young or / and just learning these new rules. It's only fair ! Until you become strict with the rules. And they know what to expect.
Remain " always" calm yourself -Especially whilst in this situation as shouting or arguing with them will have a disruptive effect. You'll be surprised how quickly they'll calm down (lol) as they'll have no one to support there arguments !!!

Causing peace and no disruption.

*** when discipline is practiced , it creates security & a feeling of safety for every one !! ***

Enjoy your precious diamonds Hashem gave you !!! B.H.

Last edited by avocado7 on Wed, Aug 20 2014, 11:19 am; edited 2 times in total

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 18 2014, 6:31 pm

1- we eat by the table only

2-clothes belong in the hamper

3-if you yell "maaaaaaaa" I will ignore until you get off the chair bed couch and talk to me

4-shoes belong by the steps-when taking them off downstairs

5-listen the first time I tell you something

6-we always speak with respect

7-one toy at a time. Clean it up when you are finished

8-bookbags and winter jacket belong on the hook-not floor or elsewhere

Dawling

Tue, Aug 19 2014, 2:17 am

Malka, to answer your question they all share one room. I'll re-read your explanation about bedtime as I didn't fully understand it the first time and I gotta run now.
To the anon poster, I like that perspective and I suppose I can start planting that in them from now. But I'm not sure that the younger ones would get it at this age. I can certainly try it.

If I can be honest...
Part of the challenge is that I naturally gravitate towards a more rule based/law enforcement type mentality which, as you describe, is not ideal with child raising. That's personal work I need to do: To shift from dictator/police officer to warm loving mother. (It's not like that all the time, just more than I'd like.)
Suggestions in that area are also welcome if you're ok with spinning off the orig post.
Thanks ladies!

avocado7

Sun, Sep 14 2014, 1:59 am

As it's coming to Rosh Ha Shanna , we need to apologize to one another and to Hashem for all the hurtful words we said to each other , accidentally or intentionally . I recommend buying a book on shmiras ha loshon.So we can all do this mitzvah as carefully as we can.
when a knowledgeable person offers advice on this site, out of loving kindness .Don't have the nerve to be rude and Chuzpah ,to criticize anyone on anything .
Also who knows, "who " one is speaking to, it could be to a person older than him or her. So therefore be so careful how one speaks especially Texting , to another as someone needs to have the fear of G-D ,
Not only is a person speaking to that particular person but is also Hashem there respectfully with that person and it's like your speaking to Hashem disrespectfully also.
Now when a few or many people agree or disagree with a post -that's been ridiculed and "like it" that 's all the more shameful and humiliating for the person who posted it - for some one who may have offered advice out of the kindness and concern for all of Am Yisroael.
That wasn't expected.

chani8

Sun, Sep 14 2014, 2:33 am

We've always done 'clean up' as a family, a team. This way the kids could take all the toys out and make one big toy city or other such creative thing. I love toy messes. At the end of the day, we "clean up, clean up, everybody, let's clean up." Some kids are more helpful than others, and that's ok, too. The reward for all of us is....drumroll...a clean house.

Our play area was the living room because the kids always wanted to be near me. I never could make a play room work. But it was a contained area, meaning the mess had to stay there.

Food is the biggest problem. I learned not to let food out of a certain area. No letting kids take what they want, or wander around eating and playing. It makes a gross mess, not to mention a pesach nightmare. If they're allowed to snack, they won't eat the meals. That said, sometimes cake is dinner, especially if it's chocolate zucchini cake.

Private time happens during the day, not at bedtime. At bedtime, it's simply get in your beds already, quiet, lights out. I'd sit with them until the wildest ones were asleep.

Laundry was always the biggest problem and I solved some of this by eliminating folding. Laying the clothes in the drawers or closet was good enough. As they got older, my kids taught themselves how to fold their clothes and organize their closets . Now, each teen does their own laundry, from start to finish.

The only thing I'd do differently, is have a rotational dishwashing chore with the reward being you get to bake.

I did solve menu battles by making the kids plan and make the meals. They learned not to complain when they saw how hard it is.

Our rule is you can always have a sandwich if you don't like the food. Bread and chocolate spread is always fine. My kids turned out to be health food freaks.

avocado7

Sun, Sep 14 2014, 2:44 am

I have the opposite issue, I am too much soft mother and not enough rules and consequences! Now, my kids are lazy, chutzpadik and stubborn. Im always trying to figure out the balance but I never get it right. Would also love some tips...

Answer:-

I had that problem I was a very soft mother but I realized that a child feels safe when there are guide lines.House rules must exist.write out a list ,keep it safe .Tape them to the freezer ! Then tell your children we now have rules in our home that must be kept.
Pray to Hashem to help make you strong.He will help you! Never be afraid that they'll dislike you for laying down rules and sticking to them. The opposite is true -that they "will "respect and love you a lot, when you say what you mean-and mean what you say !! and you must - follow it through with "Time out" and be consistent with it. if your not getting a response,and they don't follow through on your instructions..I will write out an explanation soon on how to use" Time out".
Ideas of a list :-
1). No yelling at any one.
2).No answering back
3). no hurting. etc
Time out - I'll advice on this before you begin.
The child writes out lines ...example:- I won't do it again it hurts shloymie when I hit him.
if he won't write send him to his room-give him a choice .Lines or room ?
If lines don't work then use Time out.I'll explain another time how.
Hatzlacha. Very Happy