Force bridesmaids to dress tzanua...?

amother

Thu, May 29 2014, 12:45 am

OP - Weddings are all about compromise and tactfulness - something that will probably be in short supply by the end of the whole thing.

To save your sister some grief, why not ask mom, grandma, aunts if you can have a girl's shopping day to go and get all of the dresses, that way you can help guide them towards dresses that your sis would be comfortable with and if they don't like what you have to say it won't cause drama or friction between the bride and other family members?

Also - don't gender the instructions, because this will offend some people MEGA and they are likely to 'rebel.' Simple say, "We kindly ask that all guests dress modestly, and that their apparel covers their upper arms, chests, and knees." (No, I didn't want to see any of the male guest's hairy chests). Also, don't go into no pants for women, etc., this just seems too bossy and some women who may be inclined to wear mini-skirts will be much more tznius in pants, so unless you ask absolutely everyone what they're going to wear, don't get into specifics unless they ask.

We used the above statement with our guests, and no one was offended. My mom (not frum) handled the questions from family member, b'h she is a modest person so she understood, and tactfully suggested that they might like to wear cardigans. I had one cousin show up with her cleavage absolutely SPILLING all over the place, but everyone else got the memo.

Tell your sister to keep in mind that what might be modest according to secular standards doesn't necessarily match Jewish standards - but to give guests the benefit of the doubt and appreciate that they are making an effort.

kjb

Thu, May 29 2014, 5:42 am

"Oh, and my other brainstorm was to send an advance copy of the letter to anyone in the inner circle who would be likely to squawk. I told them that I needed their help correcting my rough draft.

They were flattered to be asked, and by the time they put in their 2 cents about the wording, they were totally comfortable with the ideas, and even supported them to others."

Imasinger - that is a BRILLIANT idea!

esther09

Thu, May 29 2014, 6:26 am

It depends on the bridesmaids. If they'd never wear a dress with sleeves ever again, how can you ask them to spend money on that? IMO, asking to not show cleavage is a pretty reasonable request - it's a wedding, not a club!

I've seen two options in these situations that could make everyone happy:

1. Although not completely solving the problem, one thing I've seen is asking the bridesmaids to buy whatever dress they want (if it's not in the brides budget to buy the dress, which in this case would solve the problem bc if she's paying, she can buy whatever she wants!) and then the bride pays for tailoring of sleeves onto the dress, perhaps making sure with the seamstress that the sleeves could potentially be removed afterward?

2. Another option is to ask them all to wear black (because it's an easy color) and then, as a bridesmaid gift - give them shawls to wear under the chuppah - most people understand that the ceremony is the "religious" part of the wedding and are sensitive to being modest during that time.

chanchy123

Thu, May 29 2014, 6:58 am

Barbara wrote:

You don't believe me?

http://www.pinterest.com/darle.....sses/

Those chiffon green floral dresses - on the top right hand page - those are the dresses my aunt had for her bridesmaids - they are hideous (but make a great Purim costume - we still have the one my mom wore)!!! OTOH the groomsmen at my parents wedding wore similar powder blue tuxes to the top left wedding party. People had no taste in the seventies!

Barbara

Thu, May 29 2014, 1:21 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

Oh, good heavens. I wore this one:

except we wore it on the shoulder, and it had a giant faux-pearl and rhinestone broach at the lowest part of the neckline. The worst part is that the other two bridesmaids LIKED it. Me, I stopped at my parents' house on my way home from the wedding, changed into normal clothes, and threw it away.

lady53

Wed, Aug 27 2014, 1:57 pm

[quote="2. Another option is to ask them all to wear black (because it's an easy color) and then, as a bridesmaid gift - give them shawls to wear under the chuppah - most people understand that the ceremony is the "religious" part of the wedding and are sensitive to being modest during that time.[/quote]

I was in a wedding party that did this. The pictures came out really lovely, and everyone was able to buy the dress they felt was most flattering. Bridesmaids are the Brides best friends, they will be understanding if she asks them to wear something knee length and without cleavage showing.

Guests- I agree to put wording on the bottom along the lines of what others wrote. There were a few people who called my mother or grandmother to clarify or to give their two cents. A few guests wore really outrageous outfits with jackets that they removed, and my mom would quietly approach them and ask them to put the jacket back on, to be respectful of the event. Most people will want to be respectful and gracious.

Mixed seating- I would go with mixed seating unless there is a VERY compelling reason not to. Many couples will want to share their meal together, shmuze with the other people at the wedding, etc. Ask your rabbis- many who seem very "frum" are actually delighted to be seated next to their wives.

mk613

Wed, Aug 27 2014, 2:16 pm

imasinger wrote:

Guests - when my DD got married, I included a letter to non frum family and friends letting them know what to expect, including details of what was kabbalas panim, what chuppah would be like, the fact that there would be separate seating and dancing, washing and bentching practices, etc. Included in that letter was a request to dress modestly, and in a way that would make the bride and groom comfortable, which meant long sleeves, high neckline, and skirts below the knee for the ladies, and yarmulkes for the Jewish men.

This is similar to what we did-- we made a wedding website explaining Jewish wedding traditions and their symbolism, and included a little section about "dress code" for the ceremony. We asked our female guests to keep knees and shoulders covered (and we provided shawls and kippot if people needed them). We told our friends that for the party, they could wear whatever they liked, and planned our seating chart strategically to make sure that the possibly shoulder-baring non-Jews weren't sitting next to the cantor Smile

We invited our guests because they are important to us as they are; the less frum ones respected our requests and the more frum ones understood that not everyone holds with what they hold. It was a beautiful day.

My mother doesn't cover, but I asked her to wear a hat under the chuppa as a sign of respect. It took us a while to find one she liked, but eventually she did and looked great. I don't think there's a problem with asking your bridesmaids to dress a certain way, as long as you ask them with affection and tact. If they're worried about the wearability of your choices, maybe try a sleeveless dress with a lacy jacket or shawl on top. And check with your officiating rabbi; maybe he has strict rules, and it would be easy to tell your bridesmaids that while you know that they have great taste, you just wanted to make sure they knew that Rabbi X has asked that they cover (x,y,z) at the ceremony.

Hope that helps! Mazel tov!

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Aug 27 2014, 2:23 pm

I knew a kallah once who gave or lent a dressy, lovely shawl to a bare-shouldered attendant before the chuppah, and required her to wear it. It worked out.

The kallah had no interest in other women's lovely, creamy, extensive, flesh being on display on her big day. I will have no competition, she said. It's my day. She was right. It worked out. Nobody minded.

You can get shawls like that online at Light In The Box and other places. It shouldn't glitter. It shouldn't be see-through. The color doesn't matter, just not white, beige or bright. There can be texture, embroidery, ribbons, and long fringes.