Daughter came home from camp even worse

amother

Thu, Aug 28 2014, 3:33 pm

We had two years where my DH worked almost 3 hours away. He came home for Shabbos and one night during the week.

It was hard. But not as hard as the previous year when two of my children went to school 3 hours away & we spent hours trying to find them rides home & back. At least DH was able to drive himself, which was why we decided to do that on a temporary basis instead of staying where we were and having a third child away, and all three not all that happy.

It's not ideal, but neither is having kids who are suffering.

I wish you hatzlocha, OP. Just keep all options open & under discussion, and I am sure something will emerge that can work.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Aug 28 2014, 5:52 pm

I meant online friends who were frum, and, communicating with your daughter in the context of an online Torah study course, seminar, study group, or home schooling forum. Definitely not facebook or social media.

Through Skype or conferencing software you can see the people and it might help a little.

I am no expert on home schooling but it doesn't have to be just within the family as I am sure you know very well. There are home schooling networks and meet-ups and all; and through those she could be part of an extended community.

Going to people's house for Shabbos sounds super. It brings with it that you will be hosting in your turn.

If appropriate, maybe your daughter can go to work with her father sometimes, to see the great world under his eye and care. She sounds very, very smart.

Belle

Thu, Aug 28 2014, 8:19 pm

I am new to this discussion, and I think many of the posters, while well-meaning, are not understanding OP's situation. She obviously has tried persuading her husband about moving - it sounds like he is the rigid one, not her. He won't consider changing his job, he won't consider moving, he won't consider having the rest of the family move with him seeing them on weekends, he won't entertain his daughter getting a job as a teenager, in her words, he doesn't seem to care about family happiness...there is a pattern here. She is working on the marital issues, though, but this is never easy and there are no quick solutions to that problem.

Also I agree with OP about exposing DD to non frum teenagers. That's the whole point of her homeschooling! If she believed otherwise she would send her children to public school. And anyway her kids do not have an interest in the non-Jewish scene, B"H. Why introduce that into an already difficult situation? The kids in general seem to be doing well.

In addition, the daughter in question sounds like she may be a difficult kid and maybe even a little immature -- a "tough" personality (anyone who has had a difficult child can recognize another one!), immature in railing against the notion of going away to camp, to boarding school, to volunteer, without going to check it out first, etc. If this is the case, it is probably not a wise idea to send her away from home at the beginning of 11th grade. Mature boys and girls do well with this, but with less mature kids, it could be a roll of the dice. By next year it could be a nice option, maybe even mid-year.

I would suggest the following: 1) start with her going to her friends for many Shabbosim, perhaps even twice a month. 2) Try to go away to some Shabbatonim as a family, and go away for the yom tovim if you can afford it, to an ongoing program such as Gateways. People who go to these develop ongoing friendships because they meet up at every yom tov and/or getaway Shabbos. Lots of kids of all ages there, all frum. I know, because my daughter goes to these, so I hear what they're like. 3)Go with DD at some point to explore the "safe" boarding situations like Yavne, just to "check it out." The known is way less scary than the unknown. 4) Try to contact a rebbitzen from the community that is 2 hours away, perhaps there is a Bnos or some other group she can join for some extra curricular socializing on occasion. The first time will be scary or difficult, but after that it could be a good outlet for her. You would just have to shlep her there, but you are already doing so much for your family's well-being I don't think that would faze you; 5) Consult with an OOT Rebbitzen such as Faigy Twersky who raised her family in Milwaukee. Although it is a frum community, and she is part of huge family of Torah leadership, she knows what it is to raise a family way out of town, and may be able to give you other options and support.

Hatzlacha Rabba

dancingqueen

Thu, Aug 28 2014, 9:08 pm

amother wrote:

OP here: Over the past hour, we had a very long discussion with our daughter.

First, though....I have wanted to move for quite a while. This is not so simple to convince my husband of this. I have tried. I have had many discussions with him., not in front of my children I would be very open to moving and letting him do the commuting for the sake of my children, It's not so simple though. So, we will let that be for now, as I can't go into all the reasons why it won't work.

Back to the discussion with dd:

1. Putting all my feelings aside about boarding, we discussed that with her. She doesn't want to go, At all. Even with the notion of having a social outlet and friends. She feels like she would hate the academics, and she likes what she is doing now. She said she likes home, but she hates not having frum friends.

2. We discussed graduating early....she freaked out about not doing 12th grade, and doesn't want to go to seminary in a year. (I am not so overly concerned about her reaction, because a year ago when we began making arrangements for camp, she didn't want to go.) A lot can change in a year. But, she knows the option is there.

3. We discussed her going away for Shabbos to see friends at least once a month. She likes that.

4. She doesn't even want non-frum friends, so for everyone who said I should let go of my feelings about that. SHE doesn't want that.

5. We discussed getting a job. Unfortunately, there are no young families with babies to babysit. I suggested a local craft store as a possibility, but she didn't like that.

As for some of the other comments....so my kids aren't supposed to know I want to move, yet I am supposed to defend them for not liking where we live, and then I am supposed to up and leave my husband with my kids? (Just putting all the comments in a short summary). Wow...not sure what to say... I don't think divorcing my husband is a solution to my teenagers social life.

I have focused on this daughter because she is the most miserable. Yes, I am aware it is an issue for everyone. I am trying to figure out what to do. I know that seminary in a year is not a solution for this daughter or anyone else.

Just an aside....while many of you are criticizing my parenting.....I actually have the sweetest, kindest, helpful kids. I love being a SAHM. If I was a bad mom, I would let this issue slide, but I am trying to take steps to correct it.

I didn't want to even go here and mention this....but I have discussed the marital issues and all these issues with a professional. We shall leave it at that. Just know that I am doing absolutely all I can to make this better for everyone. I am basically stuck as there is really no good option.

So did you ask your oldest dd what she does want? Because it sounds like she just told you what she doesn't want.

And all the rest of your kids are ok with not having any social outlet? Are they much younger?

You sound like you feel stuck, I hope your dh could consider commuting to the closest city because that sounds like the best option.