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WAKE ME UP!



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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 28 2014, 4:19 am
I am in a terribly low spiritual place. I have not only been completely unproductive, but have actually significantly deteriorated. I am at such a low point that I do not even have the desire to change and have this inner stubborn blockage that tells me not to care and I truly don't. OTOH, I feel a restlessness and know there is something in there that is begging to come out and up agian. I also feel terribly guilty and responsible for the way I am ruining our Mikdash Me'at with the things I have been watching, and the way I have disregarded my usually high Tznius standards. My husband is still going to Kollel each day, being a shining example as a true Tzaddik and I feel I have wronged and abused the system by thinking he could provide the spiritual "points" come judgment day. But I know it is not fair that I am basically kicking out the Shechina that deserves to be shining in the presence of my husband. Intellectually I know all this but emotionally I am DEAD, and feel a weariness and resistance to resurrect the pure Neshama buried within me. I tried to chisel away the negativity and Shtusim by listening to Shiurim and surrounding myself with people who are in a much better place but I tend to tune out the messages without realizing it, and rationalize why I do what I do and am not like the "goodies" I encounter. I don't know how else to go about changing but for the sake of my emotional well being, my Shalom Bayis and mostly my Avodas Hashem I NEED to break out and change drastically asap. HELP!?
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finallyamommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 28 2014, 7:11 am
Hugs, OP.

A few thoughts: you speak of ruining your mikdash me'at with the things you have been watching... I'm not sure what that means. If I want to read or listen to something that's not DH appropriate which by the way includes imamother, I do it when he is out of the house, so if your husband is in kollel I am guessing you have some free time without him around (maybe? I don't know anything about kollel).

Speaking as a BT, I can tell you that there are always ups and downs and you just have to forgive yourself and move on. I also used to have incredibly high tznius standards in the house, and while I still try, I'm slipping right now (currently I am wearing a snood, a calf-length pleated skirt... and a sleeveless top, LOL. Just got in from an appointment and had to take off a layer and sit with an ice pack to cool down... anyway.)

I do think it's unhealthy to rely on DH to provide "spiritual points," but I think you know that. But I don't even mean "DH is being spiritual and so I have to as well" that it sounds like you are saying (correct me if I'm wrong) -- rather, I feel like in a marriage both partners have to work on things together to sort of complement each other. And in my case, I've come to realize, that doesn't mean "DH please help me in the house by at least putting your bowl in the sink when you're done," it means keeping quiet and putting his bowl in the sink for him after he leaves because he works crazy hours and is always exhausted and I am mostly home. So I guess what I mean is, rather than kicking yourself and thinking you need to be this wonder rebbetzin... just support him, and make him lunch, and if you're going to watch things you don't want him to see then make REALLY sure it doesn't color your interactions with him (I know people like this - they swear off nivul peh and then as soon as they are in secular company they are potty mouths again).

And I don't think you are tuning out messages - if so, you wouldn't care to improve yourself. You may think you aren't absorbing as much as you are, but I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. If you're not, say, listening to secular music because you don't like the messages it gives one's subconscious (forgive me if I'm incorrect but it sounds like you're in those types of circles), kal v'chomer actively living a Torah life (and listening to shiurim IS being active, it's more than I do right now!) WILL lead you on the right path.

But that's just my two cents. I'm not a rebbetzin. And everyone please disregard the bit about my husband above, he really is a wonderful guy and helps out SO much (I don't even do the grocery shopping ever) - but I am not posting anon l'toeles in case OP wants to PM me. (But please be nice, lol, I'm posting this under my own name against my better judgment.)
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kalsee




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 28 2014, 7:29 am
OP- if you can , try to read what Rav Wolbe writes in Alei Shur about "yemei ahava yemei sin'a" (ימי אהבה ימי שנאה)
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finallyamommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 28 2014, 9:49 am
Also: the fact that you know things intellectually even if not yet emotionally is a HUGE deal. I was like that for awhile at my lowest point and that's the only thing that kept me doing mitzvos at all. Speaking from experience, I think the emotional part will come back.

Also, my bowl metaphor made sense to me when I was typing it, but I reread and now I'm not so sure. I think what I meant was, you need to do things for YOU and not because you think DH needs or expects it (and in the bowl scenario, me working on my patience is more important than him learning to pick up after himself).
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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 28 2014, 12:36 pm
Thanks so much for the responses. I really liked what you said, EC, though there are some points I'd like to clarify.

For one, what I meant by things I watched- I really never wanted to watch anything in our house, and know I do not want it to become a norm for my kids to watch things either. I know it is so hypocritical to say I am not comfortable with my husband watching things and then I go ahead and do so when he is out of the house. That's one point, but also, what I said is that it's specifically pushing out the Shechina because I'm bringing in the secular world and all the Shtuyot into my bedroom, even if it's only my eyes that witness them I believe in the spiritual downfall it has on the house, even if there are those will disagree with me on that point.

What I mean in terms of DH'S "spiritual points" is if you support Torah you are meant to be counted in as your own Schar so sometimes I hope and pray that they will judge me solely on the person he is because he is so much greater, and purer than me.

Idk....I just want to move forward and stop cold turkey on all these addictive habits, watching shows, and in the long high run of my dreams I'd like to get rid of internet entirely but that's a whole different challenge. In the meantime I do think that it is the internet and movies that has brought me down in terms of my Tznius and I've recently acquired this negative eye on the Frum community I guess cuz deep down I feel intimidated by their purity and feel bad about myself so I feel I'v gotta knock them down which is so not me, really.

All in all, how do I get "turned on" and moving now that I'm so down in the pits?
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 29 2014, 1:02 am
I think you need to look at what watching movies is giving you. As in, stop beating yourself up about it (or hit "pause" on that, at least) and try to take an objective look at what emotional or mental needs might be involved.

When you start watching - are you so tired after a long day that the thought of doing anything more active is exhausting? Or are you maybe lonely? Just plain bored?

You mentioned kids - did this period of movie-watching by any chance begin around the time that you had young kids off for summer break? Because if so, recognize that taking care of children can be very draining. I don't mean it's not fun, or wonderful, but it can leave you needing hours a day simply to recharge your batteries.

I think that if you want to stop this, you can't just attack it as a spiritual problem. If watching movies is your (subconscious) attempt to meet genuine needs, then trying to just quit and replace that with shiurim is probably not going to work. You'll need to find an alternate way to meet those needs. (Like how if your problem was eating too much cake, the solution might need to involve eating a sandwich or something else healthy instead - not just trying to replace cake with spirituality.)
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amother


 

Post Fri, Aug 29 2014, 2:10 am
ora_43 wrote:
I think you need to look at what watching movies is giving you. As in, stop beating yourself up about it (or hit "pause" on that, at least) and try to take an objective look at what emotional or mental needs might be involved.

When you start watching - are you so tired after a long day that the thought of doing anything more active is exhausting? Or are you maybe lonely? Just plain bored?

You mentioned kids - did this period of movie-watching by any chance begin around the time that you had young kids off for summer break? Because if so, recognize that taking care of children can be very draining. I don't mean it's not fun, or wonderful, but it can leave you needing hours a day simply to recharge your batteries.

I think that if you want to stop this, you can't just attack it as a spiritual problem. If watching movies is your (subconscious) attempt to meet genuine needs, then trying to just quit and replace that with shiurim is probably not going to work. You'll need to find an alternate way to meet those needs. (Like how if your problem was eating too much cake, the solution might need to involve eating a sandwich or something else healthy instead - not just trying to replace cake with spirituality.)


Wow, you hit it on the nail. You are so right and I got this wave of understanding as I read your response. Thanks for bringing a new light to see this challenge in, how refreshing!
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 01 2014, 1:24 am
bump
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coconutbutter




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 2:22 am
I highly recommend listening to Rabbi Zev Leff Elul And The Meaning Of Life on Torahanytime.com.
I just listened to this and for some reason your thread came to mind. I think he addresses some points you brought up in your op. Hatzlacha.
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