need MAJOR help | Imamother

amother

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 10:12 am

Hi all
I am the amother that started "my teen has a secret life" thread last year

Since last year the things have gone from bad to worse. We have caught him stealing money from us and his siblings. We have found many many things he bought or stole and probably don't know about many more. He goes to gaming places instead of school. Last night he didn't come home at all.
I can't take him to psychologists/doctors, well because I have no idea where he is. He lies compulsively and has no conscience. He will tell everyone whatever they want to hear and share a sob story of his life, accepting no responsibility for anything that he does. He has told me many times how he wants to change, just to turn around and do it again.

This kid is friendly and social, but has no friends. Why, because he sees people as means to get whatever he needs/wants. A user. There is absolutely nothing that I can give him that he will be satisfied with. For some reason everything is owed to him and everything he deserves.

I wish I had no other responsibilities and was free to commit suicide. Sometimes I hate being so responsible lol .I work full time and in school, and have a bunch of other kids.

I don't want to hear stories of teens straightening out. I have no strength to hold my breath any longer.

Please give advise only if you've been in similar situation as a parent or as a child. Thank you.

Edited to fix the link

my teen has asecret life

amother

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 11:33 am

Here is an update:
He just came home telling me the same old story how he really wants to go to school, but now afraid they are going to punish him for skipping.
At first it went well, I basically told him he needs to let me know that he is ok even if he isn't coming home. I asked him if there is anything I can help him with or if there is anyone else he would like to talk to who could help him with anything. But then I lost it and almost laughed at him when he started crying and saying how he wont do it again. Its the same story he's been telling us for two years.So he got up and went to sleep in his room. Hopefully, he'll be home when I come back from work (I took half day off, in hopes that he will show up when the house is empty)
What am I to do with him? The school told my husband they are suspending him when he decides to show up. He will just go back to the gaming place Sad

Anyone has any ideas for me?

watergirl

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 11:45 am

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I couldnt get your other thread to open up, so I couldnt read the whole story. But I have a suggestion. Rabbi AY Weinberg runs a program called Project Extreme. Kids like this are his specialty. Even if your son isnt into the drinking and drugs, AY is a wonderful place to start. He has many different sources for you. I called him on behalf of my step son, as well as for a family who asked me to help. He got me in touch with people who are specialists and excellent in this field. There is actually a special program in LA for frum boys like your son, AY helped me get a kid into it. By the way you describe your son as a run away threat (never know where he is, etc) it sounds like a residential program might be right for him.

You said that your son will lie and tell a sob story. A psychologist who is great will be able to break through and see past the story.

Call AY. If youd like, pm me and I will tell you my name. You can tell AY that I told you to call him. Since I am on my phone now, I cant link you to his web page but a quick google should do.

Hatzlacha.

amother

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 12:23 pm

It's so hard. My kids have sent me to hell on a regular basis over the last 5 years (and before that it wasn't a picnic either).

Just 2 weeks ago my teen DD disappeared and for 5 days I had no idea where she was. Not fun.

I don't really have much advice. If your DS won't see a therapist it might benefit you to see one; mine has helped me immensely.

I hate schools that suspend for this stuff. How is that supposed to help anyone?

I know you are hurting but if you are having suicidal thoughts you need help immediately - therapy, medication. Are you and DH on the same page? Does he support you?

Hashem should send you strength. We can at least listen to you

marina

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 1:41 pm

1. Is he in a public school? Has he been evaluated by anyone ever? We just pulled our kid out of frum day school to send him to the local public school district because of some similar emotional issues and the public school is amazing with him. It's been fantastic so far.

2. Part of the reason parents have trouble coping is that they think their feelings about the child or the child himself reflects their failures as a parent. This is not true at all. If your other kids are okay, you are doing something right and this child behaves like this not because of anything you did.

3. If you are getting desperate, give the child over to social services, if that is an option in your state. It's tragic, but sometimes it's what needs to be done, especially if you're considering suicide.

imasinger

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 2:55 pm

Good advice here. I hope something helps OP and her DS.

I just want to say something that bears repeating, even if you already know it.

It's not your fault.

You sound like such a caring, active mom, who has tried so very hard. I'm sorry you are going through this, and hope that there is a yeshua, and soon. But, regardless...

It's not your fault.

Hugs.

amother

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 11:23 pm

OP here
amother, that is horrible. My son was missing for about 27 hours a year ago and I couldn't function from the moment we realized. We had the police car with the lights blinking in front of the house the whole day, interviews etc.... I am panicking just thinking about going through the whole ordeal ever again.

Marina, he was evaluated a few times and found to have ADHD, he is extremely impulsive. The psychologist from the board of ed had no effect on him, as the one we took him to before the diagnosis. Last year we found someone who was able to have a little impact on my son, but we couldn't go on with the sessions for too long. Our electric was disconnected last winter for a whole week, no light and heat in February (NY)- what should have been our priority?

imasinger, thank you, but I definitely do feel responsibility for how he turned out, even though I know I wasn't raising a monster on purpose.
thanks for listening everyone, I've never shared most of it with anyone irl.

amother

Wed, Sep 10 2014, 11:33 pm

So I know u only asked for advice from women who have been in your situation and ill be honest...I have not but something g occurred to me.
You mentioned not having electric for a week in the winter so I am going to guess money is a struggle. I am in no place to help you out there but you also mentioned your son has been stealing. Can it be he really would like money and feels the lack of money (although you said he goes gaming which requires money so maybe im totally wrong)? What about an afternoon job that he can earn money where the boss pays you and you can give him money as needed (obviously not a good idea to have a teen like ur son having alot of money). I know he has adhd but maybe he can help out an electrician or plumber or something for some extra cash and possibly learn a bit of responsibility?

amother

Thu, Sep 11 2014, 12:07 am

OP
amother, yes money is an issue and he definitely feels deprived
No amount is ever enough for him... I am saying this because he was caught stealing even though he had a few hundred dollars of his own. Also,this summer he had an opportunity to make $600-800, instead he chose to spent the summer playing games. Should I mention that everyday I asked him about his workday and he kept telling me fables? sigh