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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Highly intelligent kid with asperger's (maybe) - leave back?



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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 12 2014, 12:37 am
First of all I want to clarify that my child has not been diagnosed with Asperger's. However, I am seeing so many little warning signs that I'm afraid it's only a matter of time (I'm in special ed and have a bit of sixth sense about this, hope I'm wrong but the signs are there... just subtle still, and still young) She is having significant social delays that were not bad enough to be apparent at 2 or early 3 but now at 4 it is very apparent (I tried getting her help earlier, nobody would listen to me! They said I was being overly concerned. Now after 2 years even the basic DOE eval noted that she is not initiating play or communication, her idea of playing with other children is parallel play more typical of a 2-year-old than a 4-year-old... sigh)

She is at the younger end of her class and I'm sure at the end of the year (kindergarten) they will advise us to leave her back for another year. I know it seems silly to worry about this already in September but there you are. I am already worrying myself that maybe I should have left her back in nursery, so maybe I'm just trying to put my heart at ease now. There is no going back now for this year, unfortunately; she is so excited at being in big-kid school I'm not sure which would be more crushing - being taken out of it or being a social flop.

Here's the thing, though: Generally if a kid is socially behind AND young for their class, it seems like a no-brainer to put them in a younger class and give them time to catch up. But if she does end up having a social disability, then it will follow her around no matter which grade and age she's with. So does it still make sense to hold her back if she's probably going to need ongoing social help at all ages? While she is on the young end of her class she is easily one of the smartest, she loves to learn and I feel like it would be unfair to put her through an extra year of just alef bais and basic numbers/colors/shapes (which even now she already knows cold) and all the same material again. But I don't want her to go through life being socially at the bottom of her class, either.

We're going to get her as much help as we can this year but I'm still so worried that this might just be a long-term problem. DH has some signs of Asperger's too, though he was never diagnosed and either doesn't quite have it or is very high functioning, as do others in his family, so I feel this is not such a far-fetched worry.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 12 2014, 1:01 am
OP here wanting to add that another concern I had was that if it takes her a long time to warm up to people, learn their names, etc, maybe it would be better for her to stick to the same cohort of kids rather than being left back and starting with new kids.

I'm just worried that she's doomed to a year of social failure as all the other kids already seem to be getting on great and she is just always on the periphery.

I'm so sad and nervous for my sweet baby Sad I had social difficulties as a kid too, though of a different nature, and it was the pits, I still have the scars. I just wish I could give her a happier life somehow... we're going to try our best but I just dunno, it looks pretty dismal right now.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 12 2014, 1:18 am
Disclaimer: My 6 year old son has ASD. He would probably have been diagnosed with HFA under DSM-IV, but was diagnosed just after DSM-V came into effect.

Holding your daughter back a year isn't going to magically develop her social skills. She'll just be bored in class AND lack social skills. If your daughter legitimately needs professional help learning how to socially integrate with her peers and successfully navigate the classroom, you do nothing for her by holding her back.

It is possible (perhaps likely, depending on where you live) that the BOA is intentionally dodging you because they see your daughter as a "borderline" case that they can leave undiagnosed and therefore not have to pay for therapies/a more substantive IEP. If possibly, I would strongly advise you to have her fully evaluated for an ASD via private insurance.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 12 2014, 1:36 am
A child who is highly intelligent should not be held back for social reasons. Likely they'll suffer socially even when they're the oldest in the class, because it's not about maturity. And believe me, they're going to want to get through school as fast as they can, so if their intelligence allows them to jump grades, do it.

Several of my kids are very smart and for high school they learned on their own and only went to school to take the tests. Do what you can to make life fun or at least bearable for your child. School can be so painful. I've always let my kids choose to go, or not. Seems to me they only need one friend to make it worthwhile to go to school.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 12 2014, 1:36 am
OP here. I am pretty confident that this year we are going to get DOE to help with her social skills, possibly counseling plus seit, as well as OT for sensory issues. IEP meeting is coming up soon but the people who did the evals seemed much more "impressed" with her this year than in the past - things that could be written off as normal/developing at 3 are already much more pronounced at 4. I'm talking about whether one would leave back in addition to the therapies, to give "catch up" time as well as be with kids who aren't as advanced - most kids in the class are older, some much older, in addition to mostly not having these problems (as far as I'm aware; though other people's kids' problems are not actually my business and I haven't had much time to get to know them yet)

I don't know if she has ASD because her behaviors are pretty subtle but they do seem "off" to me. She definitely has social skills delays though, yet communicates GREAT with adults, which I know is pretty classic. She also has sensory issues including stimming, which I know can be a totally separate thing but also happen to be common together with ASD. And she can have some pretty intense meltdowns triggered at the drop of a hat, though B"H this is not an everyday occurrence. She does do pretend play but it is the same things over and over - like for a few months she was almost perpetually setting up a birthday party. Then she VARIED this and switched to holding WEDDINGS - which were run just about the same as birthday parties. So on the surface this kind of looks like a normalish way of playing, but I feel like some time in the near future I am going to have another 4 year old who plays more normally IY"H while this DD is getting more and more different-looking, and we'll look back and say "Aha...." Confused

She is interested in playing with other kids but almost never initiates or engages with them, and when she does it's "off" - like bringing food from the kitchen center to a kid who is playing with cars and has no interest in being part of her "birthday party." Or following a group of kids around the playground, who have no idea why they are being followed and no interest in that little kid who hasn't said a word to them.

And then we come back to "...or maybe she's just shy." In any case, diagnosis or not, we are going ahead with counseling and OT and whatever else we can get. I'm just wondering how life pans out for others in this situation. I feel like her birth month complicates things so much, if only she weren't at the extreme young end of her class, teetering on the cutoff date, I would not have to worry so much about this, we'd go with the default and see what happens!
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itssimplyme




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 12 2014, 3:56 am
Sorry but I am totally not sure why you want to hold your highly intelligent daughter back a year? That is quite serious and not fair to make her lose a year. What on earth for? She is not struggling academically. If anything she is probably very able to cope with the work since autistic children are usually focussed, and sometimes gifted. Why should her social problems make her be held back a year what does it have to do with her ability? Don't do this. She is young and you shouldn't hinder her chances in education. She has huge potential and is only young, she will PG find a good career and achieve well. Why would you consider holding her back and making her lose a year? She's probably one of the best if not the best in the class it's an insult to make her repeat the year as if she's simple. She doesn't need her confidence to be dented in such a way which would probably be quite long lasting and might give her a complex, when she is in fact an intelligent girl and should know that.
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