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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
DD calls from seminary crying every day
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:04 pm
It's breaking my heart. I know it's normal. She's making friends. But at night she gets so homesick. So she calls me, sometimes two or three times a day, crying to come home. I really think she needs to give it a chance (it'll be a week tomorrow) but I feel so mean. And honestly...I'd be out twenty thousand dollars plus if she comes home. WWYD? Sad
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:09 pm
Everything hinges on whether she is 1) complaining about something specific she doesn't like there, or something specifically bad that someone is specifically doing to her, or,

2) just the fact that she misses her home.

The first, bring her home.

The second, no, don't bring her home.

Be conveniently "unable to the answer the phone" next time. You were in the shower.

In fact, actually get into the shower when you know it's she calling.

Or a hot bubble bath (two squirts of dishwashing liquid won't hurt your skin at that dilution, and make nice bubbles, if you have good water pressure).

These phone calls are only hurting her more, if, IF, IF, it is the second reason.

It sounds ok.

The kid is sensitive, only, is my guess.

Be available every other day. So many errands to run. You were at Mrs. so and so's. And it was too late to call back. You are to admit nothing if ever challenged.


Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:10 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:09 pm
Not to mention its very bad for Shidduchim if she doesn't stay long enough to receive the full indoctrination..
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imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:11 pm
Everyone goes through it. It's a part of growing up. Just keep reassuring her and take her phone calls, stress the positive of her experience and reassure her that home is absurdly boring.

She will really be fine. They all have to leave the nest sometime.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:13 pm
First, you're a great mother. It's wonderful that she feels so comfortable talking to you about her feelings.

Keep on taking the phone calls. I disagree with those who say not to - you will only damage your relationship by doing that.

Most girls are fully adjusted by Sukkos. If she's still crying every night then, you may have to take more drastic measures. But I think you will be relieved by then.

Also remember, there are a lot of positive things, but she may not have found a person over there to confide in yet. When she does, you'll both feel much better.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:14 pm
amother wrote:
Not to mention its very bad for Shidduchim if she doesn't stay long enough to receive the full indoctrination..

Wow. You rally spelled it out.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:14 pm
Get in touch with someone from the administration so they are aware and can help her ease into it better.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 15 2014, 6:57 pm
Thanks, everybody! I did email the school. They're aware and trying to help her. It's really #2, Dolly Welsh. She's never left home for more than a night, and it's hard. Especially after the stuff that came out about sems this summer, I listened hard to what she's been saying. She says she wants to stay in sem, but bring the house and everyone in it to Israel to be with her. So far I'm still answering the phone when I can, but I think it's harder for both of us. Best idea ever...bubble bath! I think I'll bring some ice cream in there with me. Ice cream
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Rainbows613




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 1:26 am
I would say give her till Chanukah to settle.. it takes time but trust me she'll be crying this much when it comes to the end of seminary!!
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 3:32 am
amother wrote:
Thanks, everybody! I did email the school. They're aware and trying to help her. It's really #2, Dolly Welsh. She's never left home for more than a night, and it's hard. Especially after the stuff that came out about sems this summer, I listened hard to what she's been saying. She says she wants to stay in sem, but bring the house and everyone in it to Israel to be with her. So far I'm still answering the phone when I can, but I think it's harder for both of us. Best idea ever...bubble bath! I think I'll bring some ice cream in there with me. Ice cream


Oh, how sad. She's here in Israel all by herself? Do you have family here that can go visit her, take her out for a few hours?

Is she perhaps a bit of an introvert? If so, then likely she's just very overwhelmed by the social stuff. When she makes just one close'ish friend, it'll get easier. But still, sounds like sem wasn't for her in the first place.
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m in Israel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 3:39 am
I strongly agree with Dolly that you have to try to determine if there is a specific problem/ red flag or if this is just the usual beginning of seminary jitters. It is quite normal for girls to feel alone and overwhelmed when beginning a new school in a new country. But you don't want to overlook any real problems just because probably everything is really fine.

If you are pretty sure it is just regular homesickness, I also agree that talking a few times a day is probably making it much worse. Maybe you can suggest to her that you try for a few days to speak only once a day, or less if you think she can handle it. By not running to call everytime she feels a bit lonely she will allow those feeling to pass faster.

Good luck!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 3:41 am
amother wrote:
Wow. You rally spelled it out.


YOU didn't...it's rEally! LOL LOL LOL
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 3:47 am
My friend's DD (had never been away from home, never did camp etc) was SO unsure about going to Sem that she joined late - fast forward a year, her Sem year was the best thing she ever did!

My advice? Take your DDs calls (she needs to know you're there). Maybe come up with distraction techniques? "When you're homesick, say tehillim/listen to music/talk to so-and-so..."

If you can break the cycle...
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cityofgold




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 4:01 am
She could also go out a bit with her high school friends who are in the country, even if in different seminaries.

I know there's a feeling that she needs to make new friends, and she will. But going away for Shabbos and YT with old friends won't stop her from making new friends with the girls she is with all day, and it will go a long way towards giving her some of the familiarity of home.
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nameless




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 4:08 am
The beginning of the year is absolutely the worst. It's change of time, culture, food and friends. Then after everyone very slowly starts to get used to it all of the Yamim Tovim start. And YT for the first time not at home is so so hard. It throws all the girls back into homesick land once they have just started to come out of it. A real adjustment to sem doesn't really start until after Sukkos because there is just too much going on until then. I agree with Rainbow to give her until Chanukah. It shouldn't take that long but it very easily could.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 3:18 pm
I think many Imamothers would be happy to be a home away from home for her...
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Didi




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 4:10 pm
Amother, please PM me, I live in Israel and maybe I can help out.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 5:33 pm
Hope it gets better OP!
Just wanted to chime in with some chizzuk- my sister was very shy and had a very hard time in the beginning of sem - she did not go with any good friends. But she spoke with her family- mother and sisters very often and we encouraged her to try to do things with other girls- like go away for shabbos, etc with roommates & apartmentmates, and she made lifelong friends who are her closest friends today. Sem ended up being really amazing for her.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:46 pm
OP here. The menaheles is working with her. I was thrilled to hear that they have a social worker come in to do "group therapy" with the girls who need a little help with adjusting. DD is actually planning to go! And a girl asked if she wanted to come with her this week for Shabbos. She's still asking to come home, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for all the chizzuk and hugs. I feel a little better.
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rachelbg




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:48 pm
My roommate cried every single day until Chanukah.
Every. Single. Day.
The eim bayit even came to council me about it!

My roommate then stayed for an entire Shana Bet.
Smile
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