being a sahm with a nanny. please explain

Mevater

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 8:42 am

amother wrote:

I am only anonymous because I have discussed this irl.
why would a sahm need a nanny? just trying to understand the need. 4 out of the 5 children are out at school until 3pm. one baby at home. why not just get an evening babysitter or something. and I know this family is not rolling in the dough at all.

This "sahm" might be running a business that shes not making public, or the live in nanny is cheaper to get than an hourly babysitter. Thousands of possibilities.

gp2.0

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 8:54 am

1. If she's a close friend, ask her directly. Best friends can be candid with each other.
2. If she's not a close friend, it's reaaaally none of your business. That means you can wonder about it to yourself but you do NOT discuss with other people, whether IRL or here.

amother

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:23 am

Maya wrote:

Why? Because it absolutely CAN'T be the truth? It's nice to come up with a million variables of why the woman needs this help, but sometimes the truth is just as simple as that.

agree that she can be spoiled or anyone else in this situation can be spoiled. Doesn't necessarily mean they are lazy. They can just be spoiled. Plain and simple. Personally if I could afford time help, I would, im definitely lazy lol

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:28 am

She has a really large family, it can take a toll on health depending on the person. Definitely on energy.
Good for her.

And yes I'm lazy, better lazy than burning out.

Some women are like those warriors, always active and energetic, others really not at all. IRL I know many more "not warrior like" than "warrior like".... and suspect it's circle dependent.

Barbara

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:29 am

amother wrote:

I am the original poster. Im not sure why everyone had to bite my head off. I was not asking to judge her. This lady is a friend of mine.
I was really just wondering why a family would need a nanny if the mother was home all day with one baby, thats all.
Why does every thread like this have to turn into people thinking the OP is judging someone? I am not. Was just wondering what reasons someone would have a nanny if they are home all day. thats all.

WADR, your comment, "why [would] a family need a nanny if the mother was home all day with one baby" is judgmental, which is pretty much why everyone is treating it as a judgmental question.

morah

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:41 am

There doesn't need to be a reason. She could be lazy. And what's it to you? Who is she harming with this? Ever watched Downton Abbey? That's what the upper classes have historically done. Nannies to do the scut work of diapers and bathing and feeding and discipline, and the parents would just enjoy them when they were clean, calm and presentable. She doesn't have so much money? Maybe she does without vacations and take out and entertainment because she'd rather splurge on a nanny. I know I do without certain things because I'd rather have cleaning help every other day.

kollel wife

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:05 am

Often a little baby can keep you up at night and may not nap well during the day.
So after getting all the kids out the mother is tired and not feeling well.
If napping is not a possibility then the mother is trying to cook, clean, do laundry, fold laundry etc.
Although many of us could not afford to have full time help, for her this is a means of managing without any serious issues, although there may be even minor issues you're not aware of.

Tweedy

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:24 am

Maya wrote:

Why? Because it absolutely CAN'T be the truth? It's nice to come up with a million variables of why the woman needs this help, but sometimes the truth is just as simple as that.

It can be the truth but unless you are Hashem and know the whole picture you shouldn't assume that!

Raisin

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:27 am

I'm with chani8. I'd want someone to do all the laundry, housework, cooking so I get to hang out with my kids all day. But, some people don't enjoy kids all that much, but love housework, (!) so I can see why a different personality would prefer help with the kids.

5 kids including a baby is hard. Even if the kids are in school when they get home it is very intense with supper, homework etc plus all the stuff like medical appointments, therapy etc.

Just curious, this person has a nanny plus cleaning help, or the nanny helps with housework? If she pays for a nanny but does all the housework herself that sounds nuts to me but like I said, different strokes for different folks.

PinkFridge

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

Again, I did not ask this to judge. Just wondering how one would need one.
And this person is a friend so I know for a fact that none of the things that you gave as possible reasons are true. Not one.
About hashem sending because she deserves, maybe. Im glad for that. I was just wondering why one would need one.

Gosh, such judgement on me. Thanks all. Rolling Eyes

OP, she's your friend. Maybe you have a list of your own. Now there are more ideas. If any of this has helped you be a more compassionate, good friend, then this has to'eles.
ETA: and maybe she's also running some of the community chesed organizations or using her discretionary time to do all sorts of good things that keep the community going.

amother

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:45 am

I am one of those people who people probably think "why doesn't she have it together?" My house is a mess. I only have one very young child (expecting my second), I work only very part time, and I am always looking for company as I am bored. I suffer from a mental illness, and often am so consumed by it that I am unable to do anything else. My mental sanity comes first, so yes, my house is going to be a wreck and yes I will be sitting outside as if I have all the time in the world.

I know someone else who B"H has a large family and doesn't work, yet still cannot keep it together. She has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and looses energy after doing the smallest of tasks.

You just cannot judge!

amother

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:50 am

amother wrote:

even if a mother is home all day it doesnt mean its easy for her to wash, fold and put away laundry for her whole family. Then she has all the dishes to wash, bathrooms to clean, and I'm sure the bedrooms would be upside down if not for the outside help. It really is a lot for one person to do - forget shopping and cooking meals and taking good care of all the kids. All the mother on here complain about the overload of housework, messy homes ... they would all love to have more help.

Maybe you have the same friend that I have. She is home with 1 baby and has help every day. She NEEDS things neat and clean or she cant function! It happens to be that they probably can afford it but my friend once mentioned that her mil was paying for it - or maybe part of it.

And even with tons of cleaning help and not holding down a job, dont you agree that there is always something to do?

JollyMommy

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 11:25 am

I wonder if when you say nanny you mean what we call on the West Coast "housekeeper".

I was a SAHM for 5 years, but I always did work projects for our business and others-- what I called SAHM others would call working part time.

We are blessed to have KAH a full time housekeeper. I was raised with 1 or 2 housekeepers at all times. My mother working or not was not part of the equation.

It is a great blessing to have someone clean, food prep, do laundry and yes even change diapers or take a baby or toddler for a walk if I am devoting my time to something else.

When my youngest (and I hope to have more IYH) was not yet in nursery school I would spend the first 4 hours of the day doing something for her: mommy and me, park, playing, etc.. then while she slept I either worked or volunteered for my other kids schools. Housekeeper would clean and food prep during this time. During these 2-3 hours my "nanny" or housekeeper would watch her, or stay home while she usually slept. Then I would cook and run carpool and errands while she again watched the baby. The last hour my other kids would be home and I would do homework with them while she played with baby. Then, for 3-4 hours until DH comes home I am fully in charge.

Now it's a bit different because I work steadily 4 hours a day and my littlest started nursery, but I thank Hashem every day that I have a housekeeper, or what you call "nanny". And I apologize if people are jealous. I would be jealous too.

OOTBubby

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 12:33 pm

I've been trying to decide whether or not to chime in here since this in the past, but here goes.

I have 12 kids very close in age (born over 15 years). Around the time #6 was born we moved into a very large house. I was a SAHM. My DH while very cooperative was just very clueless as to how to help, and since we could afford it, he preferred to pay for help.

From that point on I had what we called a "live-in". Wasn't exclusively a nanny which is associated only with child care, but rather a combo cleaning lady and babysitter.

For example, at that time, in our city there was no bussing for school and we at times needed to drive as many as 5 carpools daily, so she babysat the younger ones while I drove carpool. Or she took some to the park while I was home with others napping, etc., etc.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 12:43 pm

The truth is, this doesn't even need an explanation. People choose how to spend their money based on their interests and priorities. Having household help is not a stranger thing to want to spend on than nice clothing or meat or a car with leather seats.