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Forum -> Household Management
Being a sahm with a nanny. please explain
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 5:05 pm
marina wrote:
How judgmental OP! How dare you question this woman's lifestyle choices?

Of course, I never wonder about other people's lifestyle choices. Never. And I don't question why some people spend money on stuff I wouldn't consider buying or services I'd consider using. Never.

For example, if I happened to find out that my MIL's good friends hold huge lavish birthday parties for their dogs, complete with dog food cakes etc, I would never ever wonder about why people do that. Or when I hear that my colleague likes to buy fancy clothes, wear them, and then return them to the store, I never ever wonder about that either.

And as for this site, we at Imamother are the epitome of non-judgmentalness and non-inquisitiveness! Posters here, never, for example wonder:

* Why someone is bottle feeding instead of breastfeeding
* why someone is wearing short sleeves
* Why someone is wearing long sleeves
* Why someone is putting up with her no-good husband
* why someone is not putting up with her no-good husband
* why someone covers her hair
* why someone doesn't cover her hair
* why someone vaccinates her kids
* why someone doesn't vaccinate her kids
* why someone teaches their children secular subjects
* why someone doesn't teach their children secular subjects

OP, I invite you to explore Imamother a bit further and learn from us all how to never judge people and never, ever wonder about their life choices. Especially learn from me. I will be your teacher and mentor in this regard.
you never wonder about other people's lifestyles? I don't think the OP was being judgmental, she was just wondering aloud
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 5:14 pm
Maybe it has nothing to do with the sahm and everything to do with the nanny. maybe the sahm is doing the highest form of tzedaka by employing this other woman.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 6:13 pm
amother wrote:
you never wonder about other people's lifestyles? I don't think the OP was being judgmental, she was just wondering aloud


I don't even know how much more obvious she could have made it that she was being sarcastic.
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lovingmother




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 6:14 pm
LOL to marina! She is obviously being sarcastic! Come on, none of you people on here EVER wondered anything about someone else? I find it hard to believe. This place is anonymous so who cares if she's curious? She's obviously not gossiping about this in real life.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 6:19 pm
amother wrote:
Oh my goodness, for the love of pizza, this was a fleeting thought that went through my mind while I was taking my kids to school today. And free time? I wish. Carpools, work, making dinner, laundry, homework, gym. Sure, free time. Gosh, it was a thought in my mind. Dont you think about things? Random things? Most people do.

I just love this line! LOL
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The Happy Wife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 6:24 pm
lovingmother wrote:
LOL to marina! She is obviously being sarcastic! Come on, none of you people on here EVER wondered anything about someone else? I find it hard to believe. This place is anonymous so who cares if she's curious? She's obviously not gossiping about this in real life.


Except that op said in her first post that she's already discussed this in real life. I think it's been taken beyond a fleeting thought when multiple conversations have been started about it. :/
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cookiejar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 6:46 pm
amother wrote:
I am the original poster. Im not sure why everyone had to bite my head off. I was not asking to judge her. This lady is a friend of mine.
I was really just wondering why a family would need a nanny if the mother was home all day with one baby, thats all.
Why does every thread like this have to turn into people thinking the OP is judging someone? I am not. Was just wondering what reasons someone would have a nanny if they are home all day. thats all.


I just wonder why you wonder... I happen to be a SAHM with waaaay more help than ppl would think I should need. You can't get into another person's head or soul or psyche, plus you have no idea how OH SO MUCH more pleasant life is when you have adequate help! In my case, where I'm sure ppl wonder the same thing that you wonder about your friend, I will state FTR that I am a much much much MUCH better mother thanks to all the help that I have. And it keeps me sane. That's all. And that's certainly worth spending my money on. And I'm sure I don't have to re-quote Rebbetzin Zahava Braunstein a''h's famous words here... AND you have no idea how much money anyone really has.

I've said my piece.
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cookiejar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 6:49 pm
oliveoil wrote:
I think the issue is in the terminology. If the nanny is doing the childcare, then the mom is not a SAHM. She's a non-working woman of leisure. Which is fine (I guess?), but it's not a sahm.


REALLY???? Come on. Non-working woman of leisure. I don't like that, it has a NASTY sound.
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forever21




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 7:08 pm
I have a neighbor who has a live in nanny, does not work, and all her kids are in school. Ive never actually seen her with her kids in the street or at the park. The kids are always with the nanny when I see them. I see the mom often but rarely is she with her kids. Am I jealous? Not in the least bit. I love taking my kids to the park, being out with them, doing things with them,etc.

I think perhaps the real issue that OP and many others have is the idea that ppl just keep having more and more kids and they hire the nanny to raise them. If I see a small child out by herself or a child kept in a car while the mom runs into to a store to "run a quick errand" and things like that, it upsets me bec I feel for the child. I think it would bother many of us as well bec we're mothers and caring ppl. In that same respect, it bothers us when we see nannies raising other ppl's children. We dont feel jealous that we cant afford a live in, rather we feel sad for the child/ren that hes not being raised by his mother and/or father. And perhaps this is why OP is expressing this particular sentiment.
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forever21




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 7:11 pm
P.S. Im getting the sense that SAHM who have a nanny and are posting here are being WAY too defensive in their responses.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 7:24 pm
cookiejar wrote:
I just wonder why you wonder... I happen to be a SAHM with waaaay more help than ppl would think I should need. You can't get into another person's head or soul or psyche, plus you have no idea how OH SO MUCH more pleasant life is when you have adequate help! In my case, where I'm sure ppl wonder the same thing that you wonder about your friend, I will state FTR that I am a much much much MUCH better mother thanks to all the help that I have. And it keeps me sane. That's all. And that's certainly worth spending my money on. And I'm sure I don't have to re-quote Rebbetzin Zahava Braunstein a''h's famous words here... AND you have no idea how much money anyone really has.

I've said my piece.
I totally understand you. I'm right now in the process of TRYING to find more help.. I need it for the same reason, so that I can be a sane,calm, mother. I do understand the wondering though. I'm the only one of my friends who is a sahm and I try to be careful not do the light complaining that we all do about our daily lives, because I know what they are all thinking "how can she complain she's home the whole day" I have no hidden illnesses or anxieties, but I do have a special needs child that takes up A LOT of my time and energy and without my help I would probably fall apart .
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chaos




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 7:40 pm
oliveoil wrote:
I think the issue is in the terminology. If the nanny is doing the childcare, then the mom is not a SAHM. She's a non-working woman of leisure. Which is fine (I guess?), but it's not a sahm.


Really? Motherhood refers exclusively to childcare duty? Does one stop being a mother once her kids go off to camp, or away for high school or college or to get married?

I actually think the last thing we need to do as a culture is to make the definitions of SAHM, WAHM, PTWAHM vs FTWAHM, Working Outside the Home Mom, etc even narrower. Can't we agree that all aspects of motherhood, from the logistics of feeding, clothing and housing a family to keeping the child(ren) safe and out of bodily harm, to educating them, to nuturing, supporting, and loving them, to all of the logistics involved in those things, to raising them into independent, confident adults with good character and values - can we agree that all of those responsibilities are a lot of work? Can we agree that it is completely reasonable for parents to decide, based on their unique situation, the best way to fulfill all of the responsibilities involved in raising a child?
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 7:53 pm
chaos wrote:
Really? Motherhood refers exclusively to childcare duty? Does one stop being a mother once her kids go off to camp, or away for high school or college or to get married?


The term SAHM refers to someone who stays home to be the primary caregiver for her children. I think that's pretty obvious.
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bookworm10




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 8:14 pm
I know plenty of people who stay home, and have full time help with childcare and cleaning. Do I wonder what I do all day? Yup. I know its none of my business, but still. Maybe its jealousy, maybe just bemusement.

But they exist. And yes, I know, it is their business.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:35 pm
forever21 wrote:
P.S. Im getting the sense that SAHM who have a nanny and are posting here are being WAY too defensive in their responses.

Understandably. You'd be defensive too if someone speculated about your lifestyle.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 17 2014, 6:27 am
From this thread and similar threads I really get the vibe that many women feel that sahms need to do everything themselves - childcare all day long, carpool, homemade meals, cleaning shopping errands, chessed- with no help otherwise its not "fair". Guess what, a house with mom and kids home all day can get a lot messier than when kids and parents are out all day. Lets just all get over the idea that we are all the same and everything needs to be fair.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 17 2014, 7:19 am
amother wrote:
From this thread and similar threads I really get the vibe that many women feel that sahms need to do everything themselves - childcare all day long, carpool, homemade meals, cleaning shopping errands, chessed- with no help otherwise its not "fair". Guess what, a house with mom and kids home all day can get a lot messier than when kids and parents are out all day. Lets just all get over the idea that we are all the same and everything needs to be fair.


Well said! If someone can afford to make their lives a little easier, what business is it of anyone else to speculate? So long as they're not doing it with someone else's tax and/or tzedaka dollars, who cares that Chani has cleaning help even though she's home or Brachi has childcare help even though she's home, and Ruchi sends her kids to camp even though she's a teacher and doesn't technically need camp? I think it's jealousy, plain and simple. Some people need to grow up and get over the fact that life isn't fair.
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mommy24




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 17 2014, 7:25 am
amother wrote:
From this thread and similar threads I really get the vibe that many women feel that sahms need to do everything themselves - childcare all day long, carpool, homemade meals, cleaning shopping errands, chessed- with no help otherwise its not "fair". Guess what, a house with mom and kids home all day can get a lot messier than when kids and parents are out all day. Lets just all get over the idea that we are all the same and everything needs to be fair.
''


I didn't get that vibe at all. No one is saying that SAHM must do it all on their own. Many SAHM have housekeepers and other forms of help. And no one ,on this thread at least, was looking down at that. How I understood OP, and those that are agreeing with her, was curiosity why someone would need a FULL TIME nanny/housekeeper. She along with others are wondering what is the SAHM doing if she has the FULL TIME nanny/housekeeper. Why would a mother who is home with one child need a FULL TIME nanny/housekeeper. At least that is how I understood it.

I know of people as well who are SAHM and also have FULL TIME help, honestly I have wondered the same thing, and I also wonder what it is that the nanny/housekeeper is doing all day or what it is that the mother is doing all day. But, I can definately understand having one. Especially when considering anyone of the instances that were given above.
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Sherri




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 17 2014, 7:29 am
So she doesn't need it. She wants it. So she can eat ice cream all day. Better?
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mommy24




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 17 2014, 7:31 am
also, a little bit OT but, why would it make a difference if the family is paying for the nanny with money given for tzedaka. If this woman was used to such a lifestyle, maybe she grew up that way or she had full time help with earlier children, and then they had money problems and she was no longer able to afford it anymore, then she can use this money for hiring full time help and no one should be saying anything. At least that is what I was taught regarding giving tzedaka.
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