My 3.5 year old behaves nicely at school, not at home!

israeli83

Wed, Sep 17 2014, 9:10 pm

I have a 3.5 year old son that started nursery school for the first time this month. I'm a stay at home mom so he's been with me for over 3 years and never been with a group of kids in a school. The first few days, he was crying because he didn't want me to leave. Only after 2 days he stopped crying and he really likes going to school now! I'm very happy that he likes to go to school and has friends. However, I don't like how he behaves when he comes back home. He used to fight with his little brother (who's 1.5 years old) sometimes. But now it seems like he got more aggressive with him. He has been throwing lots of tantrums as well and I can't seem to calm him down too quickly. So I was just wondering if this is a normal thing since he just started school for the first time? I hear he's a good boy at school, but he still doesn't like to share his toys with his brother and he gets upset easily when he arrives home from school.

Notsobusy

Wed, Sep 17 2014, 9:15 pm

I think it's pretty normal. It's a huge adjustment and it's also very tiring. Expect to have problems again after Succos, because they never really get a chance to get adjusted, then Yom Tov comes, and then back to school again. Hopefully a few weeks after Succos he will be back to normal.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Sep 17 2014, 9:18 pm

Yes, very normal. School is very, very draining, especially when it's all so brand new. Just have food ready when he walks in, try to keep the atmosphere calm so he can decompress, and don't focus too much on discipline until he is more settled. Make sure he's getting enough sleep- he may need more sleep than he previously did.

israeli83

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:30 pm

OP here. Ok, I'm glad to know that this is normal when a child first starts school.

However, I'm still worried because he's been doing this now every day. On Shabbat, I was thinking maybe he wouldn't have bad tantrums because he'd be at home on shabbat. He had one long tantrum in the morning. I've noticed that it's very difficult to calm him down. He doesn't hit or throw things, but he just cries and yells and it's very difficult to calm him down. So yesterday the tantrum lasted for more than 30 minutes! Then he had another tantrum in the afternoon and another long one. I was so frustrated and exhausted so I just put him to sit alone in the room and then I went inside after a few minutes.

This morning he gave me and my husband another horrible long tantrum and we feel like we don't know what to do anymore. He used to have tantrums, but ever since he started preschool, his tantrums at home got worse and longer! I'm just not sure if this is still normal or if I should as a doctor.

Last edited by israeli83 on Sun, Sep 21 2014, 4:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

PAMOM

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:52 pm

OP, this is hard for you and , as parents , we obviously want to solve anything we perceive as a problem. Others may be able to give you better advice , but the tantrums really are most likely developmental and age-appropriate. A 40- minute tantrum is nerve- wracking but not serious necessarily. It sounds like you have the right idea. If he's not tired or hungry, you can just tell him ( without anger , very matter- of- factly) that it's ok if he needs to cry, that he can go into his room till he's ready to come our and join you and that if there's anything he needs you to do to help him , he can tell you and you'll try to do it . Put your arms around him but leave him where he is . Say this loudly and slowly and very sweetly. It's ok for him to cry and scream but not to involve you unless he can tell you what he needs. Then you can help him. This is a hard stage ( aren't they all)-- another step in learning self- control and having to be socially appropriate. It sounds like he definitely is since he's ok at school . You're getting the after-effects and it doesn't matter what day of the week it is. He's having to conform more outside the house so he's going to lose it for a while inside. Your job is to help him realize it's safe to lose control at home but that he won't get noticed ( or commented on)-- just acknowledged, to reassure him that you're there to help if he actually needs it, abd to help yourself stay sane.