1st grader constantly lying

amother

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 10:44 pm

(Anon to protect my DS's identity.)

My DS, almost 6, has always lied a lot. It drives me crazy because I was a great liar and I can tell immediately when he's lying. He lies about the stupidest things, sometimes legitimately when he thinks he'll get in trouble but often it seems to be a knee-jerk, automatic reaction.

It's gotten worse lately, over the last few months or so. No big changes in his life. It's gotten bad enough that his Rebbi already called to say that he is constantly lying and denying when he fights with other kids (another separate problem, to be dealt with a different time...).

How can I help him tell the truth? I've made it clear that he won't get in trouble when he tells the truth. I applaud him when he tells the truth. I've read books about telling the truth. The emes song from the Marvelous Middos Machine is practically our family anthem. But nothing seems to be working. I'm at the end of my rope.

Any tried-and-true fixes?
TIA!

marina

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:08 am

This age will lie. They still have a weak grasp on reality and think that if they say something, it will become true.

That said, there are a few things you can do.

First, stop asking questions. Don't give the child a chance to lie. It's not "did you make this mess?" Instead it's "oh look here's a mess let's clean it up."

Next, model telling the truth in difficult situations and call attention to it. Say out loud: oh, I broke the plate! It was me! It's a little embarrassing but I have to tell the truth- it was me!

Next, praise telling the truth no matter how small.
"Did you brush your teeth yet?"
"No, not yet."
"Thank you for telling me the whole truth, that really helps us have a trusting relationship so I can trust you."
If he ever owns up to doing something wrong, make a big deal of it. I would still punish as usual for the behavior, but praise him to everyone for owning up to a mistake.

Next, gently and casually correct. Do not use the word LIE ever. Instead say, "I think maybe that was not the whole truth. What you meant to say was that you didn't clean your room yet, but you will work on it soon."

After all of the above is very well implemented for a long time, I might try the "you broke our trusting relationship" punishment. I would not do it for a kid much younger than 8 though.

Basically, you explain to the child that because he didn't tell the whole truth, he broke the trusting relationship. Now you can't really trust him for a while until the trusting relationship is repaired.

That means you actually have to check up on everything he says- it's a lot of work for the parent. If he says, "can I stay at my friends house for a little while longer I promise I'll be home in by supper," you have to say," no I'm so sorry,you can't. The trusting relationship is broken, because you didn't tell me the whole truth that other time, so now I can't trust you about coming home until our trusting relationship is fixed."

You have to do this about everything that relies on his word. He says, "no I was only on the computer for five minutes," you say, " I need to check if tatty saw you, because our trusting relationship has been broken. If he wasn't here, you can't have any more computer time."

Again, this punishment is really much harder for the parents than for the child.

The trusting relationship is fixed when he tells you the whole truth even when it's hard, at least a few times. You tell him that also and it becomes a goal.

Even with all that there's no guarantee and the kid will probably still lie for a while longer Smile

chani8

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 5:04 am

OMGosh a 6 year old is not lying. Where are you getting this parenting technique from???

Don't focus on "telling the truth". Never accuse a child of "lying". Just don't 'go there'.

Simply state the observation as you see it. "Billy, you were seen bopping Joey on the head. Hitting is not allowed. So, what is going on with Joey?"

When a child states a blatant lie, you can correct him with the truth, in a non-confrontative manner. I can't think of any example, but it's a simple method.

Think of this as a language issue, not an issue of lying. He's blurting out mistakes, not lying.

Or, if it's emotional based, it's about feeling trapped or judged. He has a fragile ego that he's trying to protect.

Dolly1

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 6:37 am

chani8 wrote:

chani8, ur idea seems very nice but it´s not always applicable. You cant always know what/if ur child did something and then state observations. Children MUST b educated about saying the truth. It can all b done in a a nice and gentle manner, but why shouldnt we train our children to refrain from lying?

amother

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 10:08 am

OP here.
Thank you all so much for the replies. I will try to address them all.

momx4, I never punish when he tells the truth about doing something wrong.

marina, I've tried most of those suggestions - I can tell him to go brush his teeth and he'll say "I did" (or "DS, please give that toy back to your sister" "she gave it to me!" when she very clearly didn't) so it's not the accusing or the asking. I own up when I do something wrong, and apologize (then point out that I told the truth and said sorry Smile

) I like the trusting relationship thing, I do do that but like you said it's harder on me than him! I have made it clear that I have a hard time believing him because of the times that he doesn't tell the truth and that it makes Mommy sad, blah blah blah. Thanks for a well-said reply.

chani8, I do believe that a 6 year old can lie. Absolutely. I remember doing it at that age myself and knowing it was wrong. Chayalle, I lied because I didn't want to get in trouble... and I saw that I got away with it, so I continued. I was a good kid and kept that reputation by keeping myself out of trouble and lying about it when I did do something wrong. Until this day it's hard for me to tell the truth, but I work on it! I'm not sure what really made me stop. That's why I catch him in lies and point them out - because I don't want him to think he can get away with it. In my case, it caused a vicious cycle and I don't want him getting caught up in that.

I am going to try really concentrating on the rewarding for telling the truth. His rebbi is on board too, so that's good. Thanks everyone, I'm going to keep checking here but it's going to be a busy day today... may not reply right away.