Disagreement about chart/reward system

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 8:36 am

I recently set up a reward chart for my 3 year old. He's pretty well behaved, but he is, well, 3 and could sometimes use some reminders and incentives. Also, he has language delays and I find that SEEING- the pictures on the chart, seeing the stickers accumulate- are very helpful to keeping him on task. Dh doesn't like the concept of reward charts, very "but he shouldn't be rewarded just for doing what he should be doing". I hear that, but I'm finding this works, and I'm sure ds will grow out of the need for this sort of thing. How do I explain to dh?

amother

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 10:25 am

Any ideas? He's making an issue out of it.

MaBelleVie

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 10:54 am

Well, God is on your side- the entire Torah was set up with a rewards system.

Does your dh have a better alternative to offer?

MiracleMama

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 11:12 am

In theory I'm with your husband. In reality I'm a mother trying to manage little kids, so yeah, we do reward charts too.
The nice part is, from what I've experienced the last few years doing this, that as they master certain tasks/skills/behaviors and get older, you change the reward chart to reflect that - but they don't stop doing the old stuff just because there is no longer a sticker for it. It works.

amother

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 11:15 am

I think dh doesn't even think we need a system. He works very long hours and ds is crazy about him and doesn't act up when he's around. Ds is in school, but that's only a few hours of the day. He's pretty easy going, but he's 3. Sometimes he whines about this or that or refuses to brush his teeth or something, or hits his sibling- typical 3 year old stuff. I know from imamother that charts can be very helpful for the preschool age group, and dh doesn't get why I even need any kind of system- "he's such a good boy, just tell him what to do, and if he doesn't, give a consequence". Well, yeah, I wish it was that easy, maybe we need to switch for a day...

busydev

Fri, Sep 19 2014, 11:23 am

my almost 3yo DS's morah sends home weekly mitzvah charts with stars to color in.
Its been a great incentive to get DS to share, clean up, get dressed nicely, get ready for bed nicely and say shema, wash negal vaaser and eat nicely with a brocha.

I think his morah gives them all a treat when they bring it in on monday.

And even when we dont have a chart, rewards def help (ex: ill read you 2 books if you help clean up the toys) and after it becomes a habit you stop with it. Also worked for toilet training. he used to get a marshmallow every time he went. then we stopped offering it and gave it only when he asked. And now he hasn't asked in weeks. He goes to the bathroom to go to the bathroom, not for the reward.

Tweedy

Sat, Sep 20 2014, 9:41 am

Remind your dh that he is 3, yes 3, sometimes people forget!!! You can't expect him to be doing things just for the sake of "that's what he should be doing "
Even Rambam says " you can't exect a kid to be learning for the sake of learning, reward him with a little honey and some nuts"

As he gets older, as other posters mentioned already he will learn to do things for the right reasons !

chani8

Sat, Sep 20 2014, 10:05 am

As long as your DH doesn't have to do charts with him. If he doesn't agree with it, he shouldn't have to do it.

The chart should be very limited, used to create good habits. Brushing teeth, etc. It's a good reminder system.

You're right on to be using 'seeing' as a means to teach your child. You're a great mom!

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