giving mussar to your son's rebbi

ruby slippers

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 1:51 am

I posted here last week about my son needing minor surgery and being out for a week and my disappointment in the lack of visitor/ phone calls including from some of his rabbeim. Just found out- one rebbi ( who never came to visit or call) that my son has for 2 classes has now assigned him 2 make up exams. I asked my son if the rebbi gave him the work he missed because that was discussed before the surgery and my son told me that his rebbi told him just copy it from a friend. WHAT!!! Guess what parshiot his rebbi is teaching... Lech lecha and Vayeira - I am pretty sure Hashem had time to come out and visit Avraham after his brit milah- is this rebbi greater than Hashem ... too busy for a phone call of how are you feeling and too busy to ask someone make sure my son gets the notes he needs or he himself takes a minute to call and just give him a shortened version of what waas discussed- what rashis were reviewed etc.. I just can't seem to let this go... is it wrong for me to call this rebbi out on it and express my disappointment - I would love to give him my Hashem line from above- but that may be pushing it...

relish

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 1:55 am

You need to speak up for your son. I would write down what I plan on saying, and look it over carefully before speaking to the rebbi. It's a hard balance, telling him off, yet still not getting on his bad side. You want your son to have a good year. You want the rebbi to know that he has to be a mensh to your don. You also don't want the rebbi to look at your son in a bad light, if you come across to harsh.

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 2:06 am

How old is your son? I personally don't see anything so terrible about not visiting, and expecting a student to be responsible enough to make up class he missed, regardless of the excuse.

I wouldn't say anything about it. But if you do, make sure you say that your son was disappointed not to hear from him over the week, instead of telling him that he has an obligation of visiting the sick.

Minor surger that was discussed ahead of time. It may have been nice if him to call to check on him, but he certainly isn't obligated. Bikur cholim is a mitzvah when done, but nothing wrong with not doing. And quite frankly, you ain't know what's going on in his life (and it doesn't make a difference!)

abound

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 2:13 am

I think you are building this up way out of proportion. Yes, it would have been nice had he visited or called. But he did not. It does not make him a bad person or not a mentch, it makes him human with human limitations. He may have had a good reason not to come, he may have been busy and he may have just made a mistake.
Let it go! and I don't just mean do not say anything, I mean forgive him in your heart. You are getting to emotional about this. Your son probably does not remember. (unless you mentioned it to him or to someone in front of him)

Barbara

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:05 am

eema1 wrote:

You mention in the other thread that your son is a teenager.

Teachers do not give teenagers notes when they miss class. Teenagers get the notes from friends. If your son has questions after reviewing his friend's notes, he should schedule an appointment with the teacher to discuss what he missed.

Different people have different expectations of schools. I would never expect a teacher to call or visit a teenager who was out for a scheduled minor procedure. Especially early in the year, when they don't have a real relationship. My DS would be horrified if one of his teachers showed up under those circumstances. It would be different if he were 6. But I understand that your expectations are different.

Hope your son is doing better.

ruby slippers

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 7:17 am

Yes my son is a teenager and my expectation of a phone call is that the rebbis and this one in particular espouses miztvot bain aadm lchavaro and makes the kids do all kinds of projects on mitzvot we learn from the avot- I see it as hypocritical not putting words into action.. maybe its just what I have see in my neighborhood recently over all and this just adds to it- where people just have become more and more self centered- BUT the big thing is- he also said he would take care of getting all the notes and info for him- had he not said it- I would not expect it.... Also the secular studies teachers(who are not Jewish) who never promised a thing made sure he was all caught up!
Of course I did not share any of my feelings with my son!

But thanks for all of your thoughts!
Shana tova to all!

imasinger

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 8:18 am

Here is a good strategy in general.

When does one give mussar? As an instruction, when one is a teacher or elder, someone who is looked up to by the intended recipient.

But what about the times when someone is in the position where THEY are to be respected, and do not appear to be living up to the ideals they represent? If it affects you personally, you need a recourse. (If it doesn't, there isn't much to talk about.)

There are two strategies that can work. One should try them in this order.

1. Speak directly to the person who you feel has wronged you. Be extra careful to use "I" language, and speak respectfully. Be sure to address the direct issue. (If you are already upset that the classmates didn't call or visit more, that anger might erupt at this rebbe, when it's not all his fault.)

In your case, you have 2 issues -- the failure to visit, which is at odds with the message of the class, and the tests/missed material. Say to him something like,

"I have really been struggling with my feelings about how the school community treated Yankel when he was in the hospital. We had been so excited about the curriculum the school was offering in derech eretz this year, so it really hurt when his classmates, and even some of his rebbes, couldn't make time to visit him. And now, Yankel is struggling to get back on his feet, and being told he has to find all his own resources for the makeup tests is overwhelming. The other teachers have been willing to supply him directly with material he missed, instead of telling him to find notes from classmates. Is there any chance the same could be done for these classes?"

(Personally, I agree that a teen should be encouraged to get notes from classmates; it teaches responsibility. But if you feel strongly about the matter, then say something.)

2. If that conversation is unsatisfactory, you can take your complaints to the administration. The menahel IS in a position to give mussar to a rebbe, and you can share your woes and let him say it if and how he sees fit.

It goes without saying that L"H will be extremely tempting, and it is completely assur to complain to friends and relatives what a hypocrite this rebbe is. Be careful.

I hope you get a satisfactory outcome!

Fabulous

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 8:29 am

eema1 wrote:

I also had a minor surgery in high school (I was out for just over a week) and I took responsibility for everything. No teacher or students visited me, unless they were my friend. I went to my teachers (not my mother) and asked to take all tests scheduled before or after. I made up my notes from others. No teacher gave me her notes or something. I think it was totally normal. When one is out, it is a student's responsibility to make up everything on his or her own. Refuah shelama to your son, but I don't see why you are even involved unless he can't express himself to the teachers himself.

morah

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 8:41 am

Your son is in high school. High schoolers are expected to take responsibility for themselves. Unless your son is in 9th grade, where (especially this early in the year) they're still transitioning and need a little more parental input. I do think the rebbi has a responsibility to make himself available to your son before making him take a test on material that will have been self taught. Your son needs to call his friends and get the notes. If there is anything he doesn't fully chap, he should go to the rebbi to clarify. Again, unless he's only in 9th grade, he should be able to do this on his own. If the rebbi is being really unreasonable- like expecting him to take the test the day he comes back, brushing your son off when he comes to ask a few things- then you can get involved. But no mussar- that will just make thing awkward for the whole year (or more, if your son has him again). Just state your concerns- you and I both want him to succeed, what can we do to help him do that etc.

ElTam

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 10:19 am

Bad idea. Very bad idea. I would focus on mechila over mussar, and I would not speak to the rebbe. The expectation that your son would not be responsible for getting his own work when he is a teenager who knew he would be out in advance is unreasonable. This is a good opportunity to teach your son about not being makpid on your kavod and being forgiving of other's failures. Your role modeling is as important as the rebbi's, and you can control it. You can't control the rebbi of a high-school boy.