Can You Ask a Guest to Bring Something?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 12:19 am

Is it bad form to ask a guest to bring something, like a salad or kugel? Does it change things if they're a big family? Or if they've invited themselves?

Simple1

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 12:34 am

I think if they invited themselves, you can ask them to contribute.

zaq

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 12:39 am

Asking a guest to contribute is bad form unless you make it clear at the outset that the event is potluck and all participants are contributing. OTOH, go ahead and ask self-inviters, because inviting oneself is EXTREMELY bad form except in an emergency. An emergency being "we were stranded in Kiev for five days and landed at EWR an hour before Shabbos", not "Safeway only had chicken thighs and there's no way we're eating chicken thighs on Shabbos."

OTOH if the guest asks "what can I bring?", which is excellent form, go ahead and make a suggestion.

DrMom

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 12:56 am

My guests almost always ask if they can bring something. But if they don't offer, I don't ask, unless it's close family.

MyKidsRQte

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 1:04 am

I don't ask anyone to contribute, but if they offer, I take them up on it

Scrabble123

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 1:13 am

You're certainly welcome to ask. Guests should bring something to their hosts be it flowers, wine, cake, etc. If there is something you'd like, feel free to ask, but beware, they may not be capable of bringing it, and should have the option of saying no (and bringing something else).

amother

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 1:26 am

I told them from the outset that I'm out of town the week before RH - I get back tomorrow - so I'd love them to come but could they bring something? I left it open, and asked if they could bring a dessert, salad, kugel, or a rice dish.

Is that rude? They told people that they thought it was but acted like it was fine to my face.

tichellady

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 1:31 am

I don't think I would ask without my guests offering unless I was desperate but I wouldn't think it was rude if someone asked me. I always ask what I can bring and if I don't have time to cook then I say " I don't have time to cook but am happy to bring something I can buy". You didn't do anything rude . It is rude to speak badly about one's host!

ValleyMom

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 1:49 am

99.9% of the time when we invite people to our home they graciously accept and then join us for a lovely shabbos/yom gov meal. The 1% when they ask IF they can bring something I generally say something like: "No, this is your day to be a guest just come and enjoy yourself!": If they insist I generally ask for dessert.

Raisin

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 4:04 am

amother wrote:

They invited themselves knowing it was hard for you and then told OTHER people you are rude for asking them to bring something?

They are rude.

imasinger

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 5:39 am

Raisin wrote:

They invited themselves knowing it was hard for you and then told OTHER people you are rude for asking them to bring something?

They are rude.

Yes.

If they are close friends, I think it's OK to ask to come.

Under your circumstances, it was kind of you to say yes, if you can bring something.

To turn that kindness into motzi shem ra, on RH? Um, yeah, not so good. But maybe that's not what happened? Maybe she just commented she is making something to bring, and third party made the "rude" comment?

If it were me, I'd call her up and say, "X told me that you were upset with me for asking you to bring something. I don't want to go into this time of year with bad feelings between us..." I'd listen to her side, and if she did say this, make sure in the course of that conversation to let her know that being criticized for a kindness was hurtful to me.

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