Guest Etiquette | Imamother

rainbow dash

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 4:13 am

another thing, I had a guest that demand I serve him the next course even though I was still eating. that wasnt the only thing he and his wife did. I didnt invite them again. Its no mitzvah if it causes you stress.

freidasima

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 5:14 am

Op you got really good advice here.
The problem is not this guest who is obviously not totally "with it" on the social spectrum as you mentioned, but with you and with his wife who doesn't try to get him to stop.

So, either you change, you get your dh to step in and stop this behavior or you put up with it forever and be his slave.

One suggestion though, people like that latch on to the first word in a sentence. Hence if he asks if there is X and you say "Yes, but not for this meal" he is liable to say "you have it. Bring it. I want it" and then that can lead to strife.

I would suggest that you just say "not for this meal" without the "yes" and leave it at that. You can also give mussar when he says "soda" and say "moishe, are you asking me something? I'm not the maid you know!" with a big smile and a laugh so that everyone realizes that the problem is his and not yours. Yes, you can rebuke him gently as long as it is with a smile and a laugh.

And never let him go to your kitchen or your fridge please, he can then see what you have and come out with things you didn't want touched.

chani8

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 10:21 am

I can think of several ways to handle this, but my first response is, why bother? Just don't have him over.

If that's not an option then your choices are to:

Put your superwoman cape on and be a perfect hostess catering to his every whim.

Channel his requests to others, like your DH and his wife. "Can you get the ketchup for him?"

Be sure to have ice cream for dessert.

Keep a sense of humor about it all. It's just a meal. You'll survive if you have to get up ten times. You'll burn off lots of calories getting up and down. Serve yourself two scoops of ice cream as a reward.

studying_torah

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 10:37 am

I agree that it's a good idea to go over the menu with him- his wife won't necessarily go over it with him.
Then just stick to the menu, and remind him of it, or just say We discussed this already and move on, just like the pp said.
If he wants ice/condiments etcetera and u just sat down, then tell him to wait until you get up next time, nothing wrong if he waits.
If he doesn't ask like a mentch then say firmly I'm not your maid, talk like a mentch.
I also think you need to ask your dh to stick up for you - it'll be more powerful if it's from both of you.
Good luck!

mummiedearest

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 11:24 am

amother wrote:

A lot of the time he'll just say something like: "Soda." I really want to pretend that I have no clue what he's talking about, and just pretend he said "light" "action" "camera" or something like that..

Also, how would you respond if he said: "Is this dessert?" in an incredulous way when I bring out, say, fruit salad and not ice cream? Do I just ignore him? When I have ignored him, he'll snap his fingers at me or bang on the table and keep saying my name until I respond to him!!!!

when he says things like "soda," answer with a random word. arrange with your dh to join in the fun with his own random word. have the kids do it as well. if he asks what you are doing, tell him that you thought you were all playing free associations, which can be quite fun. then continue the game.

if he asks "is this dessert?" tell him that actually, it's roast. then sit down and eat.

if he snaps his fingers at you, start snapping and start a beat on the table. turn that into a game as well.

or you can just give him a speech about you not being his servant, which is exactly what I'd do.

sprayonlove

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 1:08 pm

All of the above advice is really good! I wanted to add a few suggestions. Place condiments like ketchup, mustard, etc already on the table in the center, so if he wants he can help himself. You can place ice in an ice bucket on a buffet/side table if you have or someplace visible and accessible. (my parents always did this when we have guests, and it is a very good idea because you might have other guests who want ice but are to polite to ask!) This way when he asks, you can say, "of course please help yourself to ice from the ice bucket." Since you have had him over before you can anticipate some of what he will ask for and have all of those items already out.