would you go? | Imamother

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 8:29 pm

If money wasn't the issue, would you go?

My sil is iy'h getting married for the second time. It's going to be a very, very small affair. They're going to have a small chuppa and that's it. I don't know what they're going to do for the mitzva seuda or if they're going to do anything. They're not going to have any sheva brochos. She's most likely not even going to wear a wedding dress.

Now the problems and reasons why I really should go. The biggest problem is we don't live in the same country and it's about a 24 hour plane ride. I live in the same country as her parents. I believe her father is going and I'm not sure about her mother. They don't get along very well. Her mother doesn't want to go, but thinks she should go. I also think she should go, but she hasn't asked me, so I'm not giving my opinion. She did ask my dh and he said she should go.

She wants all of us to go, her parents and me and my dh. When I told her that was impossible, she got really insulted. The reason why all of us can't go is because I have children and have no one to watch them if we all go. My dh doesn't want to go and I know and he knows that if he doesn't she'll be fuming at him. Like me, he hates travelling and he has work. If he ends up going, it's a non issue for me to go or not, but as it stands, he's not going.

I never met her face to face. I've spoken to her on the phone and skype, but that was it. Before she got engaged and she was telling me about maybe getting married, I told her that of course I'll come to her wedding. Her engagement is extremely short, about 1 1/2 months. She asked her parents when would be the best time for them and they told her x, but for my dh, a month a half after that is better because he has vacation from work. When I leave, he can't go to work if no one else is here because his work is too far.

I really don't know what to do. I also plan on taking a trip 2 months after that to see my family, which is also in another country, but closer and I would be able to go then and stay longer. To her, I would stay only a week because I wouldn't have more time than that because I'd have to get home. What would you do?

imasinger

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 8:55 pm

Can she set up a video feed that far away family could watch?

If you do tell her you are not comng, please be super sensitive, and don't get defensive. Tell her that you feel awful to back out after you said you would come, and it must be so hard to be so far away from family; if you were in her shoes, you'd be upset, and you hope she will forgive you, because you really do care a lot about her and are so happy for her.

Keep repeating, "I totally can understand how you feel -- I wish I could work it out, but it just isn't going to happen, please forgive me."

No explanations or details, just sympathy, support, and "it's not happening, no matter how much we might both wish it otherwise."

And yes, an extra nice gift with a long and warm note.

Yocheved84

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 10:44 pm

I'm with Imasinger...just keep stating it like a broken record but no need to over apologize. Just straight and to the point, while being compassionate.
I just wanted to add one thing that's been on my mind since your post:

You initially said, "If money was no object, what would you do?" (paraphrasing)
Well, have you ever heard the phrase, "Time is money?"

Your time is just as valuable as money. Cherish it. You have enough going on that you don't want to push yourself. Smile

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 7:10 am

chani8 wrote:

I really don't get why you'd go. Sounds awkward. If your DH felt the need to go, then I'd understand. But if he doesn't want to go, seeing that he has a family to tend to, that's also understandable. Can't imagine that SIL even really expects any of you to come. She's making a small affair.

This is one of the reasons my dh doesn't want to put an effort into it. Do you think that's valid with all the other things? I know that it is, but at the same time I know her and she's extremely sensitive and gets insulted very easily.

I forgot to mention in my op that she feels she doesn't have any family where she lives because she's not close with them. She has a brother and aunts.

For the poster who mentioned that she didn't go to my wedding, I'm not going to get into it, but that's not an issue at all and not a consideration in the least.

Like I said, she's very sensitive and I'm mostly afraid of hurting her. I've told her many times I'll visit her, but the trip is so long, I constantly push it off.

chani8

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 11:27 am

You can't make your decision about what's best for you and your family based on her issue of being 'sensitive'. She's a big girl. She should understand how difficult it would be for your DH. Surely she wouldn't expect you to shlep all the way there. You sound like a very sweet person, but you cannot protect her from disappointment. You need to explore why you feel so pressed to rescue/save her. Anyway, hopefully now she's marrying well and will have the most important person in her life close by her side, so she won't ever be lonely again.