Having guests more than twice our age

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:10 pm

I occasionally invite guests for shabbos through a website. I typically do a little research before I invite them, but I recently mistakenly invited someone who is probably way older than our parents. I still don't know much about them, but I know that they are married and don't have any kids living with them (not sure if they don't have any kids at all or if their kids are just grown up and moved out). I'm really embarrassed about this (hence the anonymous posting), but I'm just thinking about how awkward it will be, especially when we already planned to host other people our age for shabbos and they really won't fit in. Can I take back my invitation even though they already accepted it? I'm wondering if others would also find this situation awkward or if you would be totally fine with hosting strangers twice your age.

chaos

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:22 pm

I love getting to know people outside my age group. I'm in my 20s. I hosted a couple (50s) and their teenage son recently and it was an awesome meal. I had invited other 20s to this meal and they couldn't make it, but I think the dynamic actually would have worked really well. I can't speak for everyone and every community, but I personally think there is something positive about shaking up the typical boxes we separate ourselves into (singles, marrieds, marrieds with kids, young, old, LWMO, RW yeshivish, etc) and creating a space for people who might not have met each other otherwise to interact in a natural setting. I think you should go for it!

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:31 pm

OP here. Thanks for your response. I think if they were coming with a teenager, then that would be way better. I'm 30 and the idea of hosting people who look like they are in their 60s or 70s who are complete strangers is just very weird to me. I've invited friends of my parents before, but that was totally fine because we already knew them. I mean, this may also end up being fine....I'm just worried that it'll be super awkward! Do you think it would be awkward for them as well? They likely don't know anything about us or our age group.

amother

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:43 pm

I think it's so nice of you to invite strangers to your shabbos table! It seems that you have done this before so you are probably nervous now since you just dont know how it will turn out.

If you are the type who hosts people regularly then I'm sure it wont be awkward at all. once you break the ice it will probably be just fine!

maybe you can contact the person who runs the website you mentioned if you really want to back out? Perhaps the website owner can figure out a decent way to pair them up with someone else without making anyone feel bad...

Chana Miriam S

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:46 pm

amother wrote:

Some of my best shabbat tables have been comprised of multigenerational groups. One of the worst ones was three families similar in age, but two identically aged and religiously compatible lawyers killed it for all of us.

chaos

Mon, Oct 13 2014, 10:53 pm

amother wrote:

You never know. I've met people in their 60s-70s who had better taste in books and music than I did. They might have kids your age, so they may well know about your age group. And if they've lived in your community for a long time, they might have an interesting perspective about how things have changed (or not changed) since they were your age and it could be an interesting discussion. I would approach this meal like any other conversation you might have with someone you don't know

Ideas for how to minimize potential awkwardness:

1) Find out ahead of time if there are any dietary issues and work around them in advance. Nothing will create more awkwardness and highlight the differences more than a long and drawn-out discussion of someone's health issues and dietary restrictions.

2) Start with an ice breaker. Name, where you're from, what brought you to the community, something interesting about yourself, and some other interesting getting-to-know you question(s).

3) Have a Dvar Torah or a Dvar Torah discussion question planned so that worst case scenario* if everyone is super awkward and no one can think of a single thing to say to people who are so different, this way, you have something to fill the silence.
*And really, a Shabbat meal with more Dvrei Torah is hardly a "worst case scenario"

amother

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 1:48 am

[quote="amother"]I occasionally invite guests for shabbos through a website. I typically do a little research before I invite them, but I recently mistakenly invited someone who is probably way older than our parents. I still don't know much about them, but I know that they are married and don't have any kids living with them (not sure if they don't have any kids at all or if their kids are just grown up and moved out). I'm really embarrassed about this (hence the anonymous posting), but I'm just thinking about how awkward it will be, especially when we already planned to host other people our age for shabbos and they really won't fit in. Can I take back my invitation even though they already accepted it? I'm wondering if others would also find this situation awkward or if you would be totally fine with hosting strangers twice your age.[/quote
This wasn't an accident. U never know why people enter our lives. Sometimes we see the reasons we needed to meet people and sometimes not. You're doing a huge mitzvah.

chickpea_salad

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 3:36 am

I work with a very diverse group of people (14-80+) and I think that one of the great things about my job is seeing people interact who normally wouldn't ever have reason to meet. It might be awkward, but chances are if they are willing to go to a stranger's house for Shabbes then they are prepared for the awkwardness of a new social situation too.

Go in prepared with lots of ice breakers and conversation starters, it will help you be relaxed and not worry about the outcome. But don't be surprised if the conversation is lively on its own Smile

At sukkah dinner I wound up sitting next to much older people I did not know, and they were very interesting, and I had a great evening.

DrMom

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 7:30 am

amother wrote:

I don't see why people of different ages cannot get along.

Plus, it seems ageist to revoke an invitation just because you feel the guests are too old for you.

Don't you ever socialize with people who are in different stages of life?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Oct 14 2014, 7:52 am

Take back the invitation? I must have heard you wrong. The wind is strong and is banging the shutters.

Listen to Ma Belle Vie: agree in advance on a list of neutral and interesting things to talk about to have them mentally handy, to divert conversation that may be getting awkward, or to fill silences.

Talk to them like they are anybody. Go along with what they present. If they have manners they will act like anybody.

You will have more fun with them if you give them chairs with cushions, instead of bare wood seats, and if there is a pitcher of lemonade or water on the table with ice in it. Old people get thirsty more. Comfortable people are more fun to be with.

This is going to take a little more nimbleness and skill than usual, which could be a fine bit of personal exercise. If they are ill-bred, well, do your best. Coping with that will be a fine lesson in midos and manners to your other guests. Meaning, your example of trying to give respect and pleasure to old people will be a powerful lesson to your other guests on how life should be lived.

They may want to go home earlier than the others, perhaps. Keep an eye out for that, as they may be looking for a break in conversation, to exit gracefully. They can't exit gracefully, if everybody is talking constantly.

If they do exit earlier than the others, make sure to enforce a little interruption so everybody says goodbye and wishes them Good Shabbos and Nice To Meet You. It would not be good if they slipped out ignored by all except the hosts.

Obviously, you BOTH get up off your chairs and accompany them to the door, with warm thanks for coming. But you knew that. Sorry.