Friends and Family Members that are not clean VENT!!

amother

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 2:04 pm

If you can relate, please let me know what helped you let go of the feelings.My parents are dirty.They probably clean their toilet because thats just basic, but they have spider webs, dirt, and dust all over their home.Again, not in their personal space, but in guest toilets and rooms.If someone uses the room, they will clean it, but the hallways are still dirty and dusty.I hate going there.When I do, I sometimes start cleaning like crazy because I feel bad for them.They never use to live like this.Before their kids moved out the home was so spotless you could lick the floor.Now I can't even stand on the floor.They also lost a lot of money and cannot always afford basic things.I have offered to pay for a cleaning service, but they have refused.I cannot stand that they are living like this.I'm sure its because they are depressed or maybe just dirty, but it is such a bother to me.What do you do?My siblings says that many of the friends are like that and that we should just ignore it.Ew.It is not the worst situation, but it is still dirty.How do u deal?

nyer1

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 2:12 pm

is it that they are getting of old age and either don't see how it is a bad enough problem, or maybe they just lack the physical energy to do it at this time? I don't blame them for refusing the help but if they really need it then I say pitch in to help with whatever you can, even if they don't want the help. many times I'm sure it's hard for parents to accept help from their children as they age. but hiring a cleaning person or getting u and your family on board would be great.

amother

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 2:16 pm

nyer1 wrote:

maybe they just lack the physical energy to do it at this time?

this is it.They don't have the physical and mental energy.But I think its depressing!I also think that by now its such a huge job that even if they wanted to do it, they couldn't.They are very bad at accepting favors: especially from their kids but I'll try.

zaq

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 8:18 pm

It's thoughtful of you to be concerned about your parents, but your overall tone is highly disrespectful. You're implying that your parents are slobs by choice, but nothing you have said bears that out. People don't change from clean freaks to slobs just because their kids move out. Your parents are getting older; their eyesight is not what it was, and they may not see the dirt that you do. Or maybe they do see it but simply lack the physical resources to take care of what sounds like more house than they need or can handle. They have to conserve their energy for the things that matter, and this they appear to be doing. You say they clean the space that they use on a regular basis, so your implication that they are living in squalor is patently false.

Logically, there is no point to cleaning an unoccupied room until just before someone is going to use it. Why waste time and energy cleaning a space that may be unused for months at a time? To please yourself when you're young and vigorous and get pleasure from surveying your domain? Sure, if you've nothing more pressing to do. To please a grown daughter who doesn't even live there any more and gets grossed out at the prospect of a little dust? Phhttsbbbxxt to that. Your folks have better things to do with their time and energy.

If your aesthetic sense is so deeply offended, then go ahead and vacuum and clean the guest rooms every time you visit--and visit more often. I can understand your parents' unwillingness to accept a cleaning person for whom you pay. If they're in bad financial shape, then they need money to keep body and soul together, and the funds you "waste" on a cleaning lady could be going to buy their groceries or meds or fuel.

You probabbly have not even stopped to consider that the house in which they live may be too big for them to handle any more. One of your sibs who has a good relationship with them and whose judgment they respect should diplomatically bring up the idea of their selling the house and moving to a smaller place more appropriate to their present needs and abilities. But be prepared for fierce resistance. Downsizing for any reason is often traumatic; downsizing because you are no longer capable of doing what you used to do with one hand tied behind your back can be shattering. You think your folks may be depressed now, just wait and see what can happen if they feel they're being forced to move.

FTR, spider webs aren't necessarily a sign of dirt or neglect. They can spring up overnight; knock it down today, it will be back tomorrow. But they ARE very thin and fine, and you need excellent eyesight to see them even outdoors, kal vachomer indoors where the light isn't nearly as good. It's completely unrealistic to expect older people to see them unless they're hanging in ropes like Halloween props.

amother

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 8:26 pm

zaq wrote:

It's thoughtful of you to be concerned about your parents, but your overall tone is highly disrespectful. You're implying that your parents are slobs by choice, but nothing you have said bears that out. People don't change from clean freaks to slobs just because their kids move out. Your parents are getting older; their eyesight is not what it was, and they may not see the dirt that you do. Or maybe they do see it but simply lack the physical resources to take care of what sounds like more house than they need or can handle. They have to conserve their energy for the things that matter, and this they appear to be doing. You say they clean the space that they use on a regular basis, so your implication that they are living in squalor is patently false.

Logically, there is no point to cleaning an unoccupied room until just before someone is going to use it. Why waste time and energy cleaning a s.pace that may be unused for months at a time? To please yourself when you're young and vigorous and get pleasure from surveying your domain? Sure, if you've nothing more pressing to do. To please a grown daughter who doesn't even live there any more and gets grossed out at the prospect of a little dust? Phhttsbbbxxt to that. Your folks have better things to do with their time and energy.

If your aesthetic sense is so deeply offended, then go ahead and vacuum and clean the guest rooms every time you visit--and visit more often. I can understand your parents' unwillingness to accept a cleaning person for whom you pay. If they're in bad financial shape, then they need money to keep body and soul together, and the funds you "waste" on a cleaning lady could be going to buy their groceries or meds or fuel.

You probabbly have not even stopped to consider that the house in which they live may be too big for them to handle any more. One of your sibs who has a good relationship with them and whose judgment they respect should diplomatically bring up the idea of their selling the house and moving to a smaller place more appropriate to their present needs and abilities. But be prepared for fierce resistance. Downsizing for any reason is often traumatic; downsizing because you are no longer capable of doing what you used to do with one hand tied behind your back can be shattering. You think your folks may be depressed now, just wait and see what can happen if they feel they're being forced to move.

FTR, spider webs aren't necessarily a sign of dirt or neglect. They can spring up overnight; knock it down today, it will be back tomorrow. But they ARE very thin and fine, and you need excellent eyesight to see them even outdoors, kal vachomer indoors where the light isn't nearly as good. It's completely unrealistic to expect older people to see them unless they're hanging in ropes like Halloween props.

im the OP and just wanted to say that this post was really helpful.Thanks

imasinger

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 8:28 pm

If OP has small children, the dirt and bugs can present more of a problem.

I like the idea of just insisting on paying for an occasional cleaning, particularly before your visit, as a way of showing your gratitude for hosting.

miami85

Sun, Oct 19 2014, 8:32 pm

I've been going through this myself with my mom's house. It's not an easy thing to see the house you grew up in fall into disrepair. It is a sign of not being able to keep up with the daily dust and dirt, but it doesn't mean that your family lives in "dirty" conditions. If you had said that there was trash or unwashed dishes laying about--that is neglect, but like you said they aren't wealthy and don't like accepting favors, so there's not a whole lot you can do except do it when you go--I do it myself.

Fox

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 12:41 pm

As a fifty-something, this thread was terribly depressing to me, and I'm glad Zaq was able to communicate to the OP in a supportive and positive manner.

I get the distinct impression that the OP is under 40. It is unlikely that her knees lock up when the barometric pressure falls or that her shoulder joints ache when she lifts or carries things. Perhaps she still has energy to do housework after 5 p.m. Perhaps she has the energy to supervise cleaning help regardless of the financial situation.

Assuming I'm approximately the age of the OP's parents, I think it's also quite likely that they've simply said to heck with eating-off-the-floor cleanliness. Now that the kids have moved out, they may simply not feel like spending their energy and time on the project. More power to them, I say!

Although I'm ITA with Zaq regarding the fact that they may have more house than they need or truly want, there's often a transitional phase: kids and their families still come for holidays or Shabbos or they want to be able to accommodate the occasional old friend or random guest. Also, the housing market has been volatile in recent years, and it is sometimes worthwhile to hang onto a property for a few years longer than one might like.

Cobwebs and dust are not really moral issues, and unless someone in the house has a respiratory condition or something similar, they're not even health issues. OP, it sounds like your parents did a better-than-admirable job maintaining a pristine home during your formative years. But just as your life and priorities have changed, so have theirs.

Dust is a protective covering for furniture.

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 12:44 pm

Some people leave cobs to catch bugs, "they are a sign of a healthy home". Yup, heard it. From someone kinda clean freak too.

Maybe they think you are clean obsessed? or maybe they just don't see or cannot clean.

chani8

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 1:44 pm

My elderly grandmother had let things go, and when we stayed by her, we tried to clean things up. It just made it worse. Tried to get the grime off and stuff started falling apart, literally. If you can picture that. lol.

Try to clean up what you can when you are there if they appreciate the help, and otherwise just look the other way. Meet up with them outside of their home when possible.

zaq

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 7:51 pm

Yes, it's true, spiders, though unsightly, are in fact beneficial because they trap and eat insects. That's what the cobwebs are for, and that's why I don't disturb the tiny spiders that set up shop near my windows. Let them trap skeeters and gnats to their hearts' content. The big black spiders are too much for my nerves , though, so I get them to climb onto a sheet of cardboard and throw them outside.

zaq

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 7:59 pm

Fox wrote:

Dust is a protective covering for furniture.

Wish I'd read this line as a kid when it was my turn to dust.