should I go or not?wwyd?

amother

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 6:31 pm

I moved to a diff country 2 years ago and haven't been home since. my parents come to visit pretty often so I get to see them a few times a year. the thing is I haven seen my siblings and nieces and nephews esp the new borns nor did they see my 7 month old baby(I also missed two bar mitzvah). I'm also terribly homesick for my friends and my home country. the thing is we owe alot of money from when my husband was unemployed. tickets would cost me at least $ 2000 for me and my two kids without dh. do u think its right for me to go visit and spend that kind of money while so many ppl r waiting to get paid back? wwyd???

Fave

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 6:40 pm

Do you have a payment plan set for paying off the loans?

I believe that if your trip expenses won't hinder your loan payments then it shouldn't be a problem. Your creditors wouldn't be bothered if your sticking to the loan terms.

The problem is if you're defaulting on the loans, or that you don't have any payment plan setup - then I'd advise you to forgo on the trip.

amother

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 6:44 pm

Fave wrote:

op here
90% of our debts are to private ppl who are not desperate for the $. my parents also offered to chip in but they didn't say how much...I'm so torn. on one hand I'm dying to go but on the other hand I feel like its just not right.

Fave

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 6:48 pm

amother wrote:

Even if they're from private people who don't need the $, you still need to set up a payment plan. If you don't then they're not considered loans, rather a monetary gift

rachel6543

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 8:05 pm

If I were in your situation I would not go. I would pay off the money first. I personally wouldn't feel okay spending $2k when I still owed a lot of money. But that is my personal opinion for me. instead I would start making payments, even if only $10/month to the people I owed. I'm very careful with my money and always pay on time and if we can't afford it, I don't buy it. In the 8 yrs I've been married I've only been on one 2-3 day vacation with my husband. My son keeps asking to travel or ride on a plane, but that's just not happening with our financial situation. I don't think its a good idea to put yourself in more debt to travel. My exception to this would be if a close family member had a serious health issue or there was a serious family emergency, then I would take on debt to travel in a case like that.

boysrus

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 12:56 pm

I just want to say that those of you who are saying not to go possbly have never been in this situation,because otherwise I dont think you would be saying not to go.
personally I live in a different country to all of my family, and yes my paretns visit once a year, but nobody else. we go four years at a time without visiting because we cant afford it. I think it is vital that you put aside money in future a little at a time OP towards the cost of the next trip. you cant live your whole life not seeing you r family, it will just make you too sad for words. I personally find every four years too sad for words already, but I have no choice because bH there are a lot of us and we just cant find the money.
a suggestion for future to the OP, open up a credit card with good air miles on it, use it for evrything you can, PAY IT OFF IN FULL EVVERY MONTH of course! we do this every four years and it really heps towards teh cost of our flights.

my answer to you OP is yes, please go, dont feel guilty, just try to pay of f your debt too asap

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 1:00 pm

Could you go just you and the baby? since your baby is under 2 it would cut the costs quite a bit.

I did this when my brother got married overseas - I went with my baby DD. DH stayed home with other kids. It was hard to afford even that, but at least it kept costs to a minimum.

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 1:10 pm

I don't know you - but I would not go because for me it would feel very irresponsible to go and spend that money when you owe others. You have to decide how much you feel you really want/need to go.

L25

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 1:17 pm

First of all- kudos to you for being responsible and caring about your loans-its people like you that people want to lend money to Smile

can you talk to the people who gave you a loan and set up a loan payment plan with them? you can never say for sure that someone else doesn't need the money nor is it your place to say so. That being said depending on the person they might be upset to know that you DIDN'T go visit your parents because of the loan.

Are you sure there no cheaper tickets- not sure which countries you are referring to but just heard of tickets from America to Israel with a stop over in russia I think that is about 300 one way! It might be worth speaking to a travel agent.

nyer1

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 1:22 pm

I don't think that would be okay, at all
it's kind of like the parents who ask for scholarships to send their kids off to yeshiva/seminary in israel, but then all of the sudden have the money to pay for flights to visit their kids for succos or pesach. loans definitely come first. I'm sorry that you miss your family, but maybe they can come to you some time, or you can plan a trip for after you pay off your debt. thank gd for photos and Skype in today's day in age!

lovingmother

Sun, Oct 26 2014, 10:28 pm

I honestly don't know if OP should go or not, but I'l like to point out that everyone will somehow find the money to go for an illness or a funeral, as an earlier poster mentioned, but why wait for a tragedy to visit your family? If you would be able to find the money then, maybe you can find the money now. Of course I'm not saying to just throw around money all the time, but to see one's family once in few years should be ok. Maybe you can take on an extra job for a few months, or as someone else mentioned, set up a payment plan so you don't feel that you are using the "loan money."

amother

Sun, Oct 26 2014, 11:26 pm

My husband (and me and the kids) have not seen most of his family in over 6 years. They live overseas and the whole trip just costs too much. He has even missed several siblings weddings. He only sees his siblings when they make a stop over on the way to or from yeshiva. My ILs visited us almost 2 years ago as they hadn't seen some of my kids. They haven't seen my baby.

We will not take a loan and go into greater debt for such a trip. Yes it is important and we are missing out on many simchas including weddings but our priorities are to get out of debt asap and only then if we can then afford it go for a visit. Yes it is hard but we do what we have to do.

Anon because people know my situation.

amother

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 12:16 am

I would go. I don't know if I would take all of the children, but I would go.

Very recently, there was a woman in my community who had a new grandchild. For various reasons, she did not go to see the grandchild when it was born. She did not go for the child's first yom tov.

Unfortunately, Hashem Yiracheim, the grandchild is no longer alive R"L. Nebach, she ended up going for the levayah/shiva, but I can't help but wonder how terrible this woman must feel that she never got to see this new baby.

This world turns so fast. Things can happen in a second, here, there, anywhere. I think it's REALLY important to see your family.

So... like previous posters said...
If I didn't have a payment plan, I would make one ASAP.
If I didn't have a savings plan to see family regularly, I would make one ASAP.
But I would still go to see my family, ESPECIALLY if you have older relatives (although, as the story above illustrates, you never, ever know).

If you are being responsible, and it sounds like you are, go. Learn from this experience.

As a close relative who lost her husband suddenly, at a young age, reminds us often: you ALWAYS go for family (simchos), because you never know when you'll have another chance.

MaBelleVie

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 12:35 am

I can relate. For me, parents and grandparents are very much a priority, and I would make every effort to go see them if they weren't able to come to me. If it's just siblings and their kids, I would be up front with your parents and ask how much they can afford to contribute (since you said they offered anyway). Then I would take it from there and possibly go just you and the baby.

Fox

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 11:51 am

Absolutely not. No way. No how.

Where did the idea come from that one can move far away from friends and family and then be entitled to hop on a plane because, after all, family is so important? It's always amazing to me that imamothers, who are quick to condemn one another at the least sign of inappropriate expectations, have a blind spot when it comes to travel.

I understand that moving far away often isn't a completely free choice -- there are financial situations; spouses' preferences; visa and immigration restrictions, etc. But unless your life was in danger, moving away involved a choice. Many people make equally difficult choices and sacrifices in order to stay near extended family.

It is not necessarily wrong to move away -- there are lots of good reasons to do so. Nor is it wrong to sacrifice to stay nearby. These are value judgments. But you can't have your cake and eat it, too -- especially when someone else is subsidizing it, even in a passive way.