trying a new tactic with my moody teen...

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Trying a new tactic with my moody teen...

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33055

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 7:26 pm

black sheep wrote:

I think that racism is learned from one's parents. But in either case, racism is not usually an issue teens and their parents struggle over. And additionally, this particular son is very intelligent and deep, not characteristcs of racist people. So no worries there.

I couldn't imagine you raising a child that was actually a racist CV. I wasn't suggesting in any way your teen was.

If some one were trying to get a rise out of you, they would use racial stereotypes. Could you remain calm?

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 9:29 pm

Sometimes it is useful to remember they are no longer a kid.

I wouldn't ask a male teen to do lady tasks, or if I needed him to, I would get apologetic and respectful and ask if he could please help with the manner and attitude that of course that wasn't really his job.

If you expect a male teen to pull his freight in the house when his father does less, you are disrespecting the male teen's maleness. Get a maid, it's cheaper than psychiatry.

With a female teen I would respect that she was becoming a Lady, and show respect for her Female Dignity, her Beauty, and her legitimate concerns with her Beauty. And Dignity. A sort of mini-SIL. A Woman.

Uni-genderism does not fly with teenagers. What may appear merely Liberal to you, reads to them as "You Are Still Basically A Large Baby, like when I bathed you and your sister in the same tub".

That might be part of it.

Boundaries, like that.

OF COURSE they are still half child, but the half that isn't wants to be recognized. Insists on being recognized. Quite properly, too.

Or you see wrath. There is nothing Liberal about being a teenager. It is a very right-wing process. Reeeeal gender-defined.

A busy mother may understandably not quite notice the nuances of how her teen is DIFFERENT from, say, last month. The changes are minute and gradual, and easy to miss until a year later. But the teen is feeling it all.

So, bow and scrape a little.

Monsieur le teen, can you carry this? It's so heeeeavy.

Madame la teen, your hair looks lovely this morning.

If they have their own room, KNOCK, then walk in. Act as if they are a grown-up deserving respect and they will be less savage.

But as you say, it is a sort of wild time.

Make sure the father is around. The mother logically and naturally needs his back-up during the teen years. The kids feel that obeying their mere mother is being a big baby. They need the father. That's another kind of obeying altogether. Large, important people obey MEN, of course. THAT's not being a big baby.

Sorry if that does not please. It is the way of the world. I went through it too.

black sheep

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 9:43 pm

Squishy wrote:

Yes I could.

naomi2

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 9:51 pm

I wonder what he would do with a spontaneous hug from you....
not sure if you do that anyway.
don't read into this, no judging intended

black sheep

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 9:51 pm

Dolly, my husband is a very involved father. In fact, he is in on this new tactic, we started it together during yom tov. My suggestion, and he loves it too.

black sheep

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 9:52 pm

naomi2 wrote:

I wonder what he would do with a spontaneous hug from you....
not sure if you do that anyway.
don't read into this, no judging intended

Have you ever tried to hug a moody teen?
in case you haven't and you thought it might be a good idea to try, let me give you some possibly life saving advice: don't.

(but all joking aside, yes I do hug him spontaneously.)

Last edited by black sheep on Mon, Oct 20 2014, 11:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 10:03 pm

black sheep wrote:

Dolly, my husband is a very involved father. In fact, he is in on this new tactic, we started it together during yom tov. My suggestion, and he loves it too.

Oh I am sure. I was talking entirely in general. I wasn't talking about any particular father.

black sheep

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 11:26 pm

you can tell which parents actually have teens, because they aren't giving suggestions to try to eliminate the moodiness, but rather how to deal with it. I am not interested in trying to turn my teens into mature adults before their time, but I would like us all to survive their teen years with our sanity intact.

sneakermom

Mon, Oct 20 2014, 11:36 pm

black sheep wrote:

Amen.

proudmother1

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 8:40 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Well said, but I wish it were that simple. Teens go through a lot more that is beyond the scope of this.
The bottom line is that no two teens are alike. What works for one, doesn't always work for another.

newme

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 10:49 am

Black sheep - sorry that I came across as condescending (I was actually thinking after I posted that it sounded prettty snotty LOL

).
And yes - to the poster above who likened this to teh Shefer approach - you are spot on - this is totally Shefer - I also took the class and it was extremely helpful - best thing I did in my life, no exaggeration.

As to your question, yes I have tried this on a teen who was moody to the extreme and getting increasingly impossible to live with and the effects were amazing.

It is true that I have no idea what the whole story I s- but I was trying to pass on the knowledge since I found it so helpful and I believe it applies to any parenting situation.
Another poster here mentioned that the child also needs to be taught better. I must clarify -
ruling out negativity doesn't mean not responding in any way, and I definitely didnt intend you should completely ignore bad behavior. But once you are really calm BECAUSE you don't get all ruffled, angry, upset etc... then your response will be far more to the point and will be far better received.

As to it being "ok" to feel sad, angry etc.. of course we're all human and it's ok to feel anything you feel naturally. But as to it being an effective way to parent - it isn't. What I learned through this approach is that the more you can model calm parenting to your child then the better your parenting will be. So the less drama and histrionics - the better. A certain measure of upset is 100% normal - but children (and teens in particular) are very capable of pushing us to our limits - and that's where it is best, for our own good, to learn to take it in our stride and model a genuine state of calm.

I honestly have no wish to offend anyone - I'm just parroting what worked for me. I have no idea what goes on in your house and this might resonate with you, or not. So don't take anything personally, ok?!!!!

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 2:45 pm

good 4 u black sheep - hope the tactic works...
I have 2 teens but this reminded me of my 10 yo tween queen who was beyond chutzpahdik and sarcastic 2 days ago, fighting with me and everybody over anything and NASTY. I could not believe what I was hearing.
Anyway turns out she got her 1st period yesterday....of course! Idea

black sheep

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 3:42 pm

newme, thank you for clarifying. and as far as dealing with negative behavior, like you said, it doesn't mean I am ignoring bad behavior. actually, this kid is pretty good overall, no need to correct anything, homework always done, room clean, good grades, etc. just the teen moodiness is huge, and it causes undo tension, so I decided to see what happens if I just completely ignore it, but not ignore him. so far so good.

by the way, I don't agree that it has to come from inside for it to work. I think it is a great lesson to him if he sees me getting frustrated, then controlling myself before I respond, and then responding pleasantly. hopefully he will copy my self control.

heavens help all of us who are trying to peacefully parent teens!!!

black sheep

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 2:14 am

an update for all you curious imamothers: this crazy thing is working. after a couple of weeks of giving him the space to be moody, he has been so happy and pleasant the last few days. yesterday he walked into the kitchen while I was cleaning up after dinner and asked, "what can I help you with?" it took all my energy not to put down the spritz and paper towel and walk up to him and feel his forehead for fever. but then today, he has been extremely chutzpadik again, I think it has to do with being overloaded with schoolwork and overtired. so back to ignoring the mood and not the child.

I just keep reminding myself all day "don't take it personally."

maybe we should start a mom-of-teens forum, I am sure I am not the only one who could use the support Smile

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