Dearest Hildegarde,

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 9:13 pm

Dearest Hildegarde,

You invited my 11 year old son (Luigi, your darling Pascal's best friend), to go visit your family in NY with you for sukkos. I said, OH MY GOSH, why would you want to shlep another kid all the way to NY for 2 weeks? And then you told me about how Pascal is always soooo bored and his siblings have someone their age to play with and poor Pascal doesn't. So, you said, you would love for my little boy to come along, since they are such good friends.

My son Luigi was overjoyed, Hildy. It did cross my mind that there might be some expenses, so I gave my son 20 dollars for whatever comes up.

Luigi went. He had a great time Hildy dearest. A very very great time. But now he returned and you have an itemized list for me:

Please remit $80.00, you now request.

Well....ok, but I don't have it. Money is tight, we are going through a bad stretch right now. But I can't get upset and I can't dream of not paying you because then next time - I know how you are Hildy - next time you'll tell my son he's not invited because his mom doesn't pay back. You've done that before when I haven't paid back quickly.

We had a smaller version of this once before, Hildy. Remember how we talked it out calmly and agreed that we'd pay back and consult AHEAD of TIME if the cost was going to be more than $5.00? Remember? What happened? GRRRRRRRR

So I will pay you back,Hildegarde, but please note that I am very very broke. Your 80 dollars is a lot to me right now. And I won't say anything to you about it, maybe I'll only ask to pay in installments. Can I pay in installments, over a few months?

I can't yell at you, I can't even express my frustration. I can't limit my contact with you because our kids are friends. But I will go on imamother and rant about you anonymously. Because that's about all I can do.

Love Always,

Gertrude

penguin

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 9:18 pm

Gerty, did you remind Hildy before Yom Tov that she needs to have expenses approved? At first I thought, hey, if you invite a child for Yom Tov, you are assumed to be covering his expenses.

But then you say you have a history with Hildy. So I think you really ought to have made this point.

And, look at it this way. You saved on food for Luigi the whole time.
Pizza? Not fair. They undertook to feed him. If they opted to go out, that's their choice.
Gift shop? I'd have a talk with my darling Luigi. What possessed him to buy something at the gift shop? (For Mom, to say thank you for sending me on this amazing trip...) I would suggest that little Luigi go rake leaves or deliver groceries and earn enough to pay you back for that one. (Did he bring back any change from the $20?)

I do hope your financial situation improves soon!

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 9:26 pm

penguin wrote:

No Penguiny, I did not have a chat with Hildy. I was sort of thinking she'd pick up the tab and not do amusement parks and expensive things like that. I really should have chatted with Hildy. It is sort of my fault.

amother

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:21 am

ElTam wrote:

Is there a way that we could get money to Yael without knowing who OP is so it could go to her to repay? If I invite a child's friend, I don't expect to be paid unless I say up front. And frankly, if I can't treat, I don't invite. I'm sorry this happened. If you are open to receiving assistance, PM Yael and see what's possible.

You are so nice. But I'm not there yet. Or maybe I am, but not willing to admit it. Thank you anyway, your support means a lot.

amother

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 1:41 pm

Raisin wrote:

the gift shop stuff is definitely your responsibility. Otherwise I agree Hildegarde should pay for everything else. Or discuss it with you beforehand.

And, it is true that your son would probably have eaten $80 worth of food in 2 weeks, so I don't think you are any worse off then if he hadn't gone.

really? 80 dollars of food? Maybe you are right. He's small and hardly eats anything, but generally maybe I should look at it that way.

proudmother1

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 1:47 pm

This isn't about whether she can afford the re-imbursement.

Unless there was a discussion and arrangement meade beforehand, I would assume that when a child (or adult) is invited to spend time with a family that the cost involved is on the host. Hence we tend to bring a hostess gift.
Imagine being invited for a Yom Tov meal, and then get an invoice in the mail as follows:
Grape Juice : $7.32 (I saw you refilling your cup)
Fish: $8:15
Soup: $1.00
Etc.

Even as far as the gift shop goes. A child needs to be guided as to how much he can spend in any shop. Without clear directions the child is not to blame, and he owes nothing to anyone for doing exactly what he was told to do. (What was the reason he was taken to the gift shop?) With the adult being the hostess, she should have set clear boundaries as to how much she is willing to spend. Notice I said "she".

I'm sure that if the mother was able to re-imburse the hostess, she would probably do so, just to avoid the conflict. But that doesn't mean that its OK to spend someone else's money.

But I have one burning question: If you had a bad experience in the past, why did you set yourself up for another one?

amother

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 1:51 pm

Quote:

But I have one burning question: If you had a bad experience in the past, why did you set yourself up for another one?

Why did I let him go? Because he was begging and begging- they are best friends and he loves spending time with him. Also, I didn't really think this would happen or that it would be this much money or that she would really insist on it after we had discussed letting me know in advance.

imasinger

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 2:04 pm

In the future, you may want to consider sending Luigi with some spending money, either under his control, or directly to Hildy. Make sure to let it be known that any other expenses beyond this are more than you will be able to handle, and that if there is any change, it should please be returned because finances are tight right now.

That's what I do routinely when my kids are invited on outings or overnights, and we are probably better set up financially.

I agree that Hildy's style is unusual, and not so nice, but also agree that you have to plan ahead for the mishegas.

causemommysaid

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 5:07 pm

I am torn about this one.

on one hand she took care of your kid for two full weeks. That is nothing to sneeze at. Wow. I don't know anyone who would take my kid for that long. plus, as a parent sending my child away for that long I would expect to send some spending money.

on the other hand she shouldn't have charged you for the items she did without getting approval first. sending you a "bill" is being kind of cheap.

Raisin

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 5:22 pm

amother wrote:

really? 80 dollars of food? Maybe you are right. He's small and hardly eats anything, but generally maybe I should look at it that way.

maybe not quite $80. But $7 or so a day on food is not an unreasonable amount to feed a kid. Especially yom tov when people eat a lot of meat and chicken. Unless you were lucky enough to be invited out for all the meals. People who take in kids to board with them charge at least $100 a week, probably more.

Re the gift shop - it sounds like Hildegarde did not set guidelines for luigi on how much he could spend. I tell my kids you can spend $5 (or more often, $0). Luigi probably assumed Hildegarde was being generous and buying him a gift. Which is perfectly reasonable.

imaima

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 3:38 am

amother wrote:

Why in the world can't you tell her that you will retirn the money when you have it, since it was unexpected?? ANd if your child will not be invited anymore, well, it's her own child that will be punished...

Tablepoetry

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 7:54 am

She is being extremely rude and tacky.

That said, she took your kid for two whole weeks. You should have sent more than twenty dollars spending money. In general on trips, the hosting parent does pay, but when its such a long trip with so many outings, I think it would be expected for the kid to buy some stuff himself. Especially as we're talking preteen, a semi-independent age. They may even have gone off on their own here and there, and the hostess had to give your son money each time.

She is wrong, wrong, wrong, but I also think it's weird to send so little money for two whole weeks, unless you both knew this was going to be a super-frugal trip with few outings or treats.

Barbara

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 10:46 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

I don't think either person is wrong. I think there was a lack of communication. In the future, the parties should discuss costs in advance.

I've taken other people's kids on vacation with me, and I've sent my kid with other people.

The host family has always taken care of all of the food, even at restaurants. However, if the kids were anywhere on their own (eg, ice cream at a basketball game), the guests paid for themselves.

The guest has always brought money for outings, etc., even if not asked to do so. Sometimes the hosts accepted the money, sometimes they didn't.

IMNSHO, OP should pay, since most of it was for outings. If she doesn't have the money, then she should simply point that out, and say that she'll pay when its available. Then, in the future, discuss all costs in advance.