Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Interesting Discussions
My best friend is getting married to my ex boyfriend
1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 10:57 pm
BH I am married now but before I got married I was dating a guy that I was crazy about and we were both sure that we were going to get married and we were about to get engaged when someone came in between us and ruined our relationship. He broke up with me and I spent months crying and begging him to take me back. He treated me really badly after that and spoke badly about me. Imagine my surprise when my best friend told me that she is dating this guy and about to get engaged to him. I am very close to her and she is like a sister to me. I am broken and she didn't even know that we used to date and even though I love her I feel like I can't be close with her anymore if she I really marrying him. What should I do?
Back to top

agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 11:27 pm
Don't tell your friend about your past.

She may get very busy with the engagement and wedding, and you may naturally drift apart.

It sounds like you've already decided you "can't be close to her anymore" so start moving on. Let the relationship naturally drift apart. Mourn your loss and find a new best friend.

Hatzlacha rabba.
Back to top

vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 11:43 pm
agreer wrote:
Don't tell your friend about your past.

She may get very busy with the engagement and wedding, and you may naturally drift apart.

It sounds like you've already decided you "can't be close to her anymore" so start moving on. Let the relationship naturally drift apart. Mourn your loss and find a new best friend.

Hatzlacha rabba.


I disagree. I don't know when the right time to tell her would be, but imagine finding out months/years down the line that your DH had once dated your former best friend? that it never came out till then? that you'd both kept it a secret?

if you care about your friend you should find a way to let her know--if it were me, I'd be fuming if I found this out.
Back to top

IMHopinion




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 11:47 pm
I agree you should tell her.
I think you may somewhat get over it if you share it with her.
Back to top

Fave




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 11:49 pm
There's a big chance that she already knows about it through him
Back to top

cfriedman2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:22 am
It's been years I would suggest u move on since ur now happily married and he's happily engaged. U can tell her u dated him awhile back but joke abt it (haha ur engaged to so and so? We went out years ago, funny how we're bf and have similar taste in guys) and don't make it anything serious and deff don't go into the breakup story. No need for u to drift away bc she's engaged to him
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:37 am
Have a frank discussion with her. You owe her that much. Tell her that in the past you dated her soon-to-be-fiance very seriously, it ended badly, and now you feel very awkward because, while you value her friendship, you don't want to have contact with him. There is no reason to and every reason NOT to go into detail about who did what to whom in what way and why. It wasn't bashert, you're uncomfortable at the prospect of socializing with him, end of story. Suggest that in future you get together strictly "girls only" without either of your significant others.

At the same time, you really need to let go of the past. You are B"H married, so this man did not entirely ruin your life. He may or may not be a miserable ptchetch--maybe he was just immature and didn't know how to handle the situation--but why are you "still broken"? You're married to someone else who presumably finds you attractive and lovable and good company and other things; why not enjoy that? Forget whatever happened in the past. By hanging on to your anger, dismay, regret, humiliation or whatever it is you're feeling, you're giving this man power over you, your thoughts, your feelings and your marriage. Refuse to take it any more! Liberate yourself from the tyranny of second thoughts and grudges. Let the whole episode die in dignity and get on with your life.
Back to top

causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:41 am
I would tell her.
Back to top

ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:42 am
If you want the friendship, I wouldn't discuss it with her. Find someone else to work out your feelings with and focus on your own marriage. He obviously wasn't your bashert if you didn't wind up with him.
Back to top

ima_dina084




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:46 am
zaq wrote:
Have a frank discussion with her. You owe her that much. Tell her that in the past you dated her soon-to-be-fiance very seriously, it ended badly, and now you feel very awkward because, while you value her friendship, you don't want to have contact with him. There is no reason to and every reason NOT to go into detail about who did what to whom in what way and why. It wasn't bashert, you're uncomfortable at the prospect of socializing with him, end of story. Suggest that in future you get together strictly "girls only" without either of your significant others.

At the same time, you really need to let go of the past. You are B"H married, so this man did not entirely ruin your life. He may or may not be a miserable ptchetch--maybe he was just immature and didn't know how to handle the situation--but why are you "still broken"? You're married to someone else who presumably finds you attractive and lovable and good company and other things; why not enjoy that? Forget whatever happened in the past. By hanging on to your anger, dismay, regret, humiliation or whatever it is you're feeling, you're giving this man power over you, your thoughts, your feelings and your marriage. Refuse to take it any more! Liberate yourself from the tyranny of second thoughts and grudges. Let the whole episode die in dignity and get on with your life.


ITA! Thumbs Up
Back to top

newmommy:)




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 1:13 am
first of all, was she not your best-sister-like-friend when you dated him? because then wouldn't she already know?
also very possible/probable that she knows through and also feels awkward to discuss it....?
anyway I think you should tell her but not make a big deal like pp said. especially if shes going to marry him don't say the negative things about him, because it was long time ago and he very possibly maturned since then.
and then? move on. if you cant be her best friend anymore - ok, you have your husband. and I know it's hard, I did it too when I got married. but enjoy the brachos in your life and let her move on with her new husband.
if you do want to be friends though - I think you can, just get to gether the two of you. what does it have to do with her husband?
Back to top

DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 2:13 am
Was she your best friend while you were dating this fellow?
If so, didn't she know that the two of you dated and had a bad break-up? That sort of situation would make this guy "off-limits" for her in many circles... but there' not much you can do about it...

If you don't tell her, he will (or hopefully, he already has), so you might as well come clean. If you are going o stay friends, you will wind up seeing a lot of him, so you will need to face the situation sooner or later.

Hold your head high.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 2:40 am
This is just screaming "therapy" at me. Probably just a session or two, to help you work through a tangle of painful emotions, and help you find clarity to move forward IYH.

(BTDT - different scenario)
Back to top

Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 2:46 am
I don't understand why should op tell her friend about it. It might make her break out with him because of that. I think op should decide if she can continue the friendship on some level. Op can tell her friend later if she wants to after the friend is married and settled.
Back to top

chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 3:48 am
You certainly can't have a big secret like this between two best friends. However, OP, you need to consider that you played a part in this man's misbehavior with your behavior, and perhaps this is not reflective of him at all. If you still need to work through your feelings of loss and betrayal by him, that's understandable. Work on yourself to come to a point of forgiveness and acceptance so that you can be happy for your friend. And if he turns out to be a big jerk, well, you'll support her and probably feel validated. Let's hope he's a nice guy who just mishandled things when he was younger.
Back to top

Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:37 am
I also think you should tell her, not only because she is your best friend, but also because of what he did to you. Maybe he did teshuvah and is a different person, but your friend should also have the right to know the type of person she is going to marry.
Back to top

b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 8:12 am
I'm so confused b/c if I knew that a very close friend was dating a guy I dated, there is no way that I would not have mentioned to her that I knew him & had dated him myself. It just seems strange that if you are so close with your friend that this discussion never came up earlier. Did she not mention to you when she first started dating him? As I said in the beginning of this post, I am a bit confused.
Back to top

out-of-towner




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 9:45 am
b from nj wrote:
I'm so confused b/c if I knew that a very close friend was dating a guy I dated, there is no way that I would not have mentioned to her that I knew him & had dated him myself. It just seems strange that if you are so close with your friend that this discussion never came up earlier. Did she not mention to you when she first started dating him? As I said in the beginning of this post, I am a bit confused.


Unless I am personally involved in the Shiddich, which is sometimes the case, many of my very close friends do not tell me when and who they are dating. And I don't expect to know.
Back to top

b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 10:01 am
out-of-towner wrote:
Unless I am personally involved in the Shiddich, which is sometimes the case, many of my very close friends do not tell me when and who they are dating. And I don't expect to know.


I don't know, maybe things are different in different communities but my DD23 who recently got married used to talk with her close friends about the various guys they each were dating especially when the dating got serious.
Back to top

chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:56 am
My DD would not share who she's dating, with anyone except me for safety purposes. She's very private that way, so I can understand OP's friend withholding that info until it was serious.
Back to top
Page 1 of 3 1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Interesting Discussions

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Dress for friend's wedding
by amother
0 Yesterday at 8:16 pm View last post
Gown gemach for friend/cousin/nieces wedding
by amother
3 Yesterday at 11:10 am View last post
Home situation of DD's friend
by amother
39 Yesterday at 10:04 am View last post
How to go about getting paid on maternity leave
by amother
20 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 11:29 pm View last post
hates getting dressed/undressed
by amother
5 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 10:33 pm View last post