Leaving my parents behind…

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 5:53 pm

We are strongly considering an international move (think 24 hour plane ride). In fact the decision is basically made, I just need to work up the courage to tell DH to book a pilot trip.

The main thing holding me back is my parents. I'm the only child living near them and my kids are very close to them and vice versa. They will be devastated. And I just feel really really bad to do it to them.

Otherwise, I'm pretty sure this would be the right move for us but my guilt is putting a major damper on things.

Has anyone done this before? How did you deal with it? And how do I break it to them??

November

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 6:11 pm

I did this and it was very very hard. Still is. I feel guilty all the time. I call my parents a lot. I put my kids on the phone with them a lot. We miss them terribly and they miss us. When they visit I drop everything to be with them. What can I tell you? You have to do what is the right thing for your family but it can be hard. Such is life.

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:28 pm

How long ago did you move that you're still feeling guilty? I don't want to live like that forever!

Also, how did you tell them? Did you just say it outright or build up to it? We've been talking about it for a while but I think they think it's just talk. When it becomes real it will still be a shock...and I don't like making people cry Sad

penguin

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:39 pm

It's hard now, but what happens later when they are older and need care? Are there other siblings who will step up to the plate, or will you have to go and move them to your new location?

(I am not saying this is necessarily a reason not to move, but just something to think about.)

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:56 pm

I have thought about that too. But DH is unhappy here, schools here are not necessarily in line with our hashkafah, and judging by the families here, there is a possibility that my children will end up marrying overseas anyway. So I'll be left with no one to look after me! Is that too premature to worry about? Do my parents come before my other concerns?

They probably can't afford or don't want to move so I don't think that's an option.

proudmother1

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 8:58 pm

Do you have other options? Is there nothing suitable between the place you live now, and a 24 hour plane trip away?
First, your parents are very important. You are a mother too. Think in those terms.
But I think that what you fail to realize is that you will also be miserable without your family. Guilt is a separate issue.
It's a balancing act. Try to visualize yourself with the benefits of the move (assuming that everything turns out as rosy as you envision) AND the disadvantages blended.

amother

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 9:39 pm

I don't think I'll be miserable without them but I'm sure I'll miss them. None of my siblings live near us anyway so really it's only my parents I'll be missing (we're not going to be near my siblings either but there is other family there and closer to my husbands siblings)

All in all the pros of moving outweigh the cons (and no, there is nothing closer) but this particular con is bothering me (more for their sake then mine) a lot.

dancingqueen

Tue, Oct 21 2014, 11:48 pm

Are the only options really being in the same town or 24 hours away?? Is there no possible middle ground?

chani8

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 2:22 am

Just be totally there for them and let them have their feelings. All of our family felt abandoned and upset at us. It did not go well. So brace yourself and be as kind as you can and talk talk talk. Our family is dysfunctional, so it took years for some family members to recover from this. Like, 20 years. Sad

November

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 2:37 am

I'm sorry- it's just going to be hard. You must focus on the positives of course, but you can't make this situation not hard. Just continue to be as loving as possible. In time it here a little easier. Also things change which helped, like an older brother stepped up to the plate to help in ways that he never had to before, the community did as well. And after several years, my parents have started to join us for longer visits. Trust in Hashem that He is leading your family in a path, and that you and He (along with your husband and parents) will all figure it out. Good luck!

chickpea_salad

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 3:10 am

I live overseas, and I worry about my parents. Once my mother retires I am going to suggest they spend winters with me, and hope that eventually they will just stay.