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My best friend is getting married to my ex boyfriend
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:29 pm
Bruria wrote:
I also think you should tell her, not only because she is your best friend, but also because of what he did to you. Maybe he did teshuvah and is a different person, but your friend should also have the right to know the type of person she is going to marry.

From what op was saying about her experience with that guy I am not sure that he is a "bad" person. They were both very emotional and somebody got in between them and messed it up. You never know what really happened. I wouldn't want her to mess up somebody's shiduch unless it is really somebody with bad midos.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:25 am
Thanks everyone for your responses. They were very helpful. My friend wasn't my best friend when we were dating we were not close at all. The reasons that I am so hurt that my friend is marrying my ex boyfriend is:
1. Because I am embarrassed about how I begged him to come back to me and acted desperate for him after he left me and I feel like my dignity was taken away.
2. I know it sounds strange because I am married but I still have feelings for this guy and I am still hurt that it didn't work out. My husband is an amazing guy but my ex boyfriend was very special to me with a very unique personality and he gave me a lot of attention, much more then my husband gives me. And I am not talking about physical attention because we were shomer negiah but I am talking emotionally. I guess I never got over this guy.

I am begging you all to please never do to anyone what was done to me. I don't think I will ever forgive the person who came in between us and ruined our shidduch. And by the way that person did it for personal reasons not for halachic reasons. I won't get into details but many of the Rabbanim that I spoke to after this happened and I told them what happened, told me that what this person did is a big aveirah.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:57 am
Hugs OP

Nobody should ever get in between two people. So hurtful selfish and unfair.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to work through your emotions which are going to fluctuate now when they get married and for a while after. You probably didn't/couldn't properly grieve over your loss at the time so all the pain from that time in your life is surfacing. You might doubt your marriage or your feelings to your current husband but tell yourself it is temporary and not representative of the state of your marriage or your true feelings to your current spouse.

Please also realize that the rigors of 'real' life might not have left you with much emotional attention from this guy anyway. Dating is not marriage.

You are a jewel and a beloved wife to your husband. Your dignity may have been dealt a blow but it is intact. Keep your head high.
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 10:53 am
OP I get that you weren't best friends with this girl back when you were dating your ex but if you were BFFs while SHE was dating (as close as sisters) then I'm surprised that she never mentioned his name to you before it got this serious. It sounds odd to me but I guess you were close about everything else except for that? Not sure but I wish you hatzlacha in dealing with this awkward situation now & in the future. It is hard when our worlds collide & relationships from the past resurface for one reason or another.
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 1:02 pm
Quote:
I am begging you all to please never do to anyone what was done to me. I don't think I will ever forgive the person who came in between us and ruined our shidduch. And by the way that person did it for personal reasons not for halachic reasons. I won't get into details but many of the Rabbanim that I spoke to after this happened and I told them what happened, told me that what this person did is a big aveirah.


You realize, of course, that if you go to your friend and give her all this information, you could be damaging her shidduch or her shalom bayis, and doing to her exactly what was done to you and what you are begging people not to do anyone else.

You also say your dignity was "taken away" from you. You chose to respond to the breakup the way you did. You were not compelled to beg him to take you back. Believe me, I have made that same mistake myself, and you do lose your dignity, but it's a self-inflicted wound.

I also believe that if you went back and spoke to a rav about this situation, being sure to share the highly pertinent fact that you are still carrying a torch for this guy even though you are married to someone else, you would be told it is 100% ossur to tell your friend anything beyond the bare facts of "we dated; it didn't work out."

For the sake of your own marriage, I hope you will work this through with a few sessions of therapy.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 1:14 pm
OP, it sounds like you're going to have to make a decision. Unless you're willing to drop this friend out of your life (which since you're so close I can't imagine you are), you're going to have to come to terms with this man being in your life in some fashion. Don't fantasize about how much better he was in some ways than your dh- this guy also left you for someone else whom he apparently didn't even end up with! And then kept kicking you while you were down; being unnecessarily cruel to you after the relationship ended. You got the better end the deal here- you have your dh who yes of course had his faults but at least he's never done that to you!! He is the one who is standing by you, and that's a man to be proud of.

Of course it will be uncomfortable for you, and don't think you have to go on double dates with them, but time will pass and it will get easier. It really will.

Oh and btw, I agree with pp that said you have to tell her. She will notice you're being weird, and better to talk about it now then have it become a big issue later.
ETA: when I say to tell her, I mean only your side of it. That you dated seriously, and it ended badly, and still feel very hurt by it. She can talk to him about the other details.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 2:39 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks everyone for your responses. They were very helpful. My friend wasn't my best friend when we were dating we were not close at all. The reasons that I am so hurt that my friend is marrying my ex boyfriend is:
1. Because I am embarrassed about how I begged him to come back to me and acted desperate for him after he left me and I feel like my dignity was taken away.
2. I know it sounds strange because I am married but I still have feelings for this guy and I am still hurt that it didn't work out. My husband is an amazing guy but my ex boyfriend was very special to me with a very unique personality and he gave me a lot of attention, much more then my husband gives me. And I am not talking about physical attention because we were shomer negiah but I am talking emotionally. I guess I never got over this guy.

I am begging you all to please never do to anyone what was done to me. I don't think I will ever forgive the person who came in between us and ruined our shidduch. And by the way that person did it for personal reasons not for halachic reasons. I won't get into details but many of the Rabbanim that I spoke to after this happened and I told them what happened, told me that what this person did is a big aveirah.


Wow, OP, you are brave and insightful. I can see how you felt you lost some dignity points there. And ouch that you're not completely over him yet. Sounds like you should take the time to work through this. You can heal from this. Write about it, journal, cry and grieve, and maybe even do some anger work about that terrible interfering person. Get yourself to the point where none of this hurts anymore. You need to be able to pick up your chin and look at that man and not have old feelings flood you. When it won't be painful anymore, you'll be able to rejoice with your best friend. Wishing you much healing!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 5:51 pm
The one that got away always looks great in hindsight because dating is isn't marriage and you don't have to face the reality of morning breath or his hanging out with friends you can't stand. Of course your ex-bf gave you more attention than your dh--that's what courtship is all about. If you didn't get tons of attention, it would hardly be a courtship! But that kind of intensity can't be sustained in the long term, and eventually you have to get back to real life. As my mom would tell us: When you date you go out to fine restaurants, get served elegant food, and then leave. When you're married, sooner or later one of you has to cook and one of you has to do the dishes.

Get ahold of yourself and concentrate on your dh. If he's an "amazing guy" you should be paying attention to him and reminding yourself why you married him. Reason #1 to love your dh more than ever is that he found you good enough to marry and your ex didn't. That alone should be reason enough to quit mooning over the ex.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 6:07 pm
I wouldn't be surprised if my friends's soon to be husband told her the most terrible things about me and how I chased after him. If he told this to other people then he for sure told her. Also he didn't leave me for another girl, he left me because someone turned him against me for stuff that were personal. At the time a few Rabbis tried to help and convince the guy that I am a good person but nothing helped.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 6:30 pm
amother wrote:
I wouldn't be surprised if my friends's soon to be husband told her the most terrible things about me and how I chased after him. If he told this to other people then he for sure told her. Also he didn't leave me for another girl, he left me because someone turned him against me for stuff that were personal. At the time a few Rabbis tried to help and convince the guy that I am a good person but nothing helped.


Then you are well rid of him. If he truly loved you, he would have believed in you and ignored the lashon hara. That he turned against you on the word of someone else is ample proof that he was not meant to be your life partner.

It's highly likely that he said nothing to your friend. After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and he has to worry that you might tell your bff terrible things about HIM. True or not, they would damage her opinion of him, and he knows it. So I'm betting he said nothing.
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esther09




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 7:00 pm
OP - I am so sorry that you feel so hurt in all this.

I guess, though, I am having a hard time understanding how you can still be so hung up on this guy. Someone who would spread bad things about you? If he were as good as the pedestal you're putting him on, he would not spread bad things about anyone, especially someone who he is/was close to.

I think the major issues here are that you're jealous of your best friend and that you're embarrassed she will judge you. I would tell your best friend what happened but no need to paint yourself badly. Even if for some terrible reason he goes back and makes you sound "desperate," there's no reason she would judge that. It was the past. You are married - and she has NO reason to believe (NOR SHOULD YOU EVER TELL HER) that you still have feelings for him and therefore, it's ok, that you did that in the past. Now, as far as your friend knows, you are madly in love with your husband and are deeply happy with your marriage.

But, between us girls, you seem to not be happy in your marriage. It's not fair to your husband that you feel this way about another man. I would suggest thinking about my first thought (your ex is not as great as you're making him out to be) and focus on what is good both in your marriage and your life. Try to think about the reasons you married your husband. Also - try working through and explaining your emotional needs to him.

Try to see this as an important wake-up call. You need to work on your marriage - FORGET about the other guy.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 7:09 pm
I had a good friend who married a guy that I had dated very seriously. We laughed about it when she called to tell me that they were engaged. Was he still cute and engaging? Yes. Hashem is in charge and knows what's best for each of us. Even with all of his charming qualities, I had seen some red flags when we were dating and in the breakup. PS, a few years later they got divorce.
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Frumdoc




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 8:51 pm
Do you think he has attributes or issues that contributed to your breakup that are important or vital for your friend to know?

If so, I would think you have some kind of responsibility to discuss these with her, although I would seek specific advice before doing that.

If not, but it would affect your and her relationship, it would be wise to mention something about it to her, although not necessarily going into detail. You don't want her to think you are snubbing her as a friend just as she gets engaged. That would be very hurtful.

It is hard, very hard, when you feel something as important as a serious shidduch has been destroyed, especially when you didn't want it to, but at some point in life you need to move on. The potential husband has been idealized as a perfect guy, just because you never got to the annoyingly married bad habits stage, so the comparison between him and your own dh is unfairly weighted in his advantage. And at the end of the day, presumably you love your husband and believe on some level that he is your beshert, and that the way things happened was the will of Hashem.

Just like all disappointments, this too is from Hashem. Maybe He is giving you this opportunity to reframe that whole episode in your life and put it away, stopping it from potentially tainting your current marriage and friendship, and putting it away. Holding on to those feelings of anger and resentment is only huring yourself and your current life, and you are the one who can control and choose how to handle it.
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Reesa




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 11:39 pm
It took me many years to get over a guy who dumped me after five dates. Even though I intellectually knew he wouldn't be a good husband for me, I was terribly hurt that he rejected me. I always imagined him coming back for me and spent too much time looking over my shoulder to see if I would accidentally bump into him. Even after I married I compared my dh to this guy and wondered how life would've been and what my kids would have been like. My dh is much more on my page in life but doesn't posess that guys smarts or personality. It's rough. But I think it's a self esteem thing. I couldn't handle his not being interested in me. I have finally gotten over it. And I think it was time that healed me.
How long ago did your breakup occur? Your feelings for him will dwindle. Also when you get an up close view of your friends relationship you may be privy to behaviors of his that will turn you off and make you glad you got away. No one is perfect. Try to believe that Hashem orchestrated the events leading to the breakup and not that person who got between you. He led you to the person you were supposed to marry. Put your attention and efforts into your marriage and you will be happy. Good luck.
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Chloe




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 24 2014, 12:01 am
Quote:
Please also realize that the rigors of 'real' life might not have left you with much emotional attention from this guy anyway. Dating is not marriage.


Quote:
Of course your ex-bf gave you more attention than your dh--that's what courtship is all about. If you didn't get tons of attention, it would hardly be a courtship! But that kind of intensity can't be sustained in the long term, and eventually you have to get back to real life. As my mom would tell us: When you date you go out to fine restaurants, get served elegant food, and then leave. When you're married, sooner or later one of you has to cook and one of you has to do the dishes.



Thumbs Up

OP, I suggest you read the above until you believe it, because it is the truth.
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Chloe




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 24 2014, 12:08 am
Forbidden fruit tastes sweet. We always fantasize about something we want but can't have. When I'm on diet I fantasize about the hot runny chocolate cakes with the cold ice cream. When I'm not dieting I don't even look at them.

Plus you're only fantasizing about it in a wishful way. Maybe you should also consider the other side of the coin? That it actually wouldn't have worked out? That he may potentially have not been a good partner for you. Perhaps you should be thanking your lucky stars that you didn't marry him?

And about your worry about your friend knowing how you begged for him to come back to you. You can at some point mention that you once dated and then broke up and you were so immature then that you went begging to him. And how you laugh about it now. Make it seem as if you've forgotten about it and you can now laugh about it. Let him get the message that you weren't interested in him as much as you showed it, it was just your immaturity and you're so glad you broke up, like this you could meet your husband, who is your real bashert. I believe that getting this message across to him that you have no interest in him and didn't have that much interest then, would make you feel better about the dignity issue.
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Reesa




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 24 2014, 9:41 am
in a few months time when ur friend joins imamother, she will know the truth anyway!!! So go tell her!!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 26 2014, 12:28 am
For sure
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faigie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 26 2014, 8:59 pm
No need to tell ur friend anything..
The irony is this..... the guy is gonna end up spending time with you and you dh....and he'll get to see just how wrong HE was, and what a mentch you are.
Look,,,,, it went the way it went because he wasnt supposed to be your bashert. Your friend was. In the bargain he's gonna learn a difficult lesson.


Last edited by faigie on Sun, Oct 26 2014, 9:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 26 2014, 9:09 pm
faigie wrote:
No need to tell ur friend anything..
The irony is this..... the guy is gonna end up spending time with you and you dh....and he'll get to see just how wrong HE was, and what a mentch you are.
Look,,,,, it went the way it went because he wasnt supposed to be his bashert. Your friend was. In the bargain he's gonna learn a difficult lesson.

This, 1000x over.
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