My best friend is getting married to my ex boyfriend

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 26 2014, 9:13 pm

You friend is going to say, eventually, er, so, why didn't you mention to me that you had dated him? Especially as that went kind of far. You were getting kind of serious, I have the impression. You will lose this friend.

And, your husband is going to see your expression and tone of voice get strained when you see them. He is going to wonder why. It is not probable he will never learn that you got close to marrying this man. This won't do your SB any good. Not because you dated somebody, everybody did, but because of the changes on your face.

After losing your friend, you might even lose your husband too.

The tough part is that you still have some residual feeling about the man.

I just don't want you to be at his mercy and I have the feeling you may be, a little.

My advice is to let the friendship with the woman cool in a gradual, nice way, and to get headaches if you are invited to be with them.

Meaning, my advice is to never be in the same room with this man. That isn't going to be possible if you remain friends with the woman. But you are only cutting your losses, because if you do see them, you might lose TWO people.

Human nature being what it is, you may start competing with your friend to attract this man more than she does. Your heart is pure but your unconscious mind is human, human.

So I think you may have to sacrifice a friendship you really like to save your marriage.

I think two years later you will be glad you did that, but I sympathize at how painful that will be. I just think it is the lesser of two evils.

If I am being over-dramatic, I am sorry. You know best, I am sure.

justcallmeima

Sun, Oct 26 2014, 9:30 pm

zaq wrote:

Have a frank discussion with her. You owe her that much. Tell her that in the past you dated her soon-to-be-fiance very seriously, it ended badly, and now you feel very awkward because, while you value her friendship, you don't want to have contact with him. There is no reason to and every reason NOT to go into detail about who did what to whom in what way and why. It wasn't bashert, you're uncomfortable at the prospect of socializing with him, end of story. Suggest that in future you get together strictly "girls only" without either of your significant others.

At the same time, you really need to let go of the past. You are B"H married, so this man did not entirely ruin your life. He may or may not be a miserable ptchetch--maybe he was just immature and didn't know how to handle the situation--but why are you "still broken"? You're married to someone else who presumably finds you attractive and lovable and good company and other things; why not enjoy that? Forget whatever happened in the past. By hanging on to your anger, dismay, regret, humiliation or whatever it is you're feeling, you're giving this man power over you, your thoughts, your feelings and your marriage. Refuse to take it any more! Liberate yourself from the tyranny of second thoughts and grudges. Let the whole episode die in dignity and get on with your life.

This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amother

Sun, Oct 26 2014, 9:47 pm

The guy that hurt me the most while dating (by far!) is a guy I never made it to the first date with. In fact I never spoke to him personally. The research went quite far though and his side (aka his entire family besides him) were really excited about the idea after the brutal research they did on me. He, however, was unsure based on a flaw I was very open about and made sure shadchanim did not omit. He asked for VERY personal information that I was not willing to give after all that research and approval passed because it would have been even worse and more personal had he said no after that. Either way, this lovely guy I'm talking about (I think he really IS lovely just didn't work out for me) ended up marrying my very good friend. When she called to tell me she was engaged to him I remember thinking it's a good thing we didn't discuss names because otherwise there was no way I could imagine her agreeing to date him. Not because of her obligations to me but because of how hurtful he was to another human being (who just happened to be her good friend but that part was irrelevant). Funny thing is she had always been at the opposite end of the spectrum of said flaw but made it much closer to my end of the spectrum right after her wedding. You know what they say about carma lol. I truly hope they are happy and bh I am too. I don't wish I was married to him but I do get the discomfort. He is well aware of who I am and that I know exactly what happened. I've visited my friend at home before and he always locked himself in the bedroom. I don't think I ever bumped into him on a visit to their home despite his being there every time (and I'm talking about a small apartment!).

EsaEinai

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 12:32 am

I don't really agree with the previous posters. I don't think it's appropriate to say anything negative about the guy or that it ended badly, etc. you could be putting bad ideas in her head at a time when she's very vulnerable. And besides, we have only heard one side of the story. You dated, you got hurt- we've all been through that. It doesn't necessarily mean the other person was bad, but rather it just wasn't meant to be.

When your friend mentions her chossons name I would just give a little giggle and say that's so funny, we dated once upon a time! Small world! He seemed like a great guy and I'm so happy for you!!

My sister dated a guy very seriously, and it didn't work out. She ended up marrying his best friend. That's life! Be happy you're married to someone who loves you for you, and don't get in the way of their happiness. Meddling or saying things that shouldn't be said can have an effect on future generations. You don't want that on your shoulders!!

I hope Hashem gives you the strength to overcome these feelings of pain that are resurfacing, and that you find an abundance of satisfaction and love in your own marriage.

blossoming

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 4:15 am

amother wrote:

The one that got away always looks great in hindsight because dating is isn't marriage and you don't have to face the reality of morning breath or his hanging out with friends you can't stand. Of course your ex-bf gave you more attention than your dh--that's what courtship is all about. If you didn't get tons of attention, it would hardly be a courtship! But that kind of intensity can't be sustained in the long term, and eventually you have to get back to real life. As my mom would tell us: When you date you go out to fine restaurants, get served elegant food, and then leave. When you're married, sooner or later one of you has to cook and one of you has to do the dishes.

Get ahold of yourself and concentrate on your dh. If he's an "amazing guy" you should be paying attention to him and reminding yourself why you married him. Reason #1 to love your dh more than ever is that he found you good enough to marry and your ex didn't. That alone should be reason enough to quit mooning over the ex.

Very well said and I want to add:

I am almost %100 sure, you had the same high feelings towards your husband when you were dating with him and engaged.
Whose to say you would continute feeling such a conncetion if you would have gotten engaged and married with your ex? The realtioship before and after marrige is so different, you could just never know.