When your kids help a good friend or neighbor

Lizajen

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 2:47 pm

My close friend likes paying my kids when they help out at her house. For example: if my daughter helps my friend's daughter with her younger siblings. Wwyd? I feel uncomfortable about it since I don't believe in paying my kids to help out in my house and don't want them to be paid at hers. I think they feel good when they help out and don't expect to be paid. I think it takes away from the internal gratification of doing a chessed. I've discussed with my friend that I have a difference of opinion than she does when it comes up this . She doesn't get it and feels like she owes it to them.

devash1

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 3:16 pm

I was also wondering what to do. I sometimes offer money, or will give a treat of some kind. I don't like to feel I'm taking advantage of them. I was thinking of taking the girls that help with my younger kids out to eat or for icecream. I would love more suggestions.

seeker

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 3:16 pm

I think it depends. If it's something that would usually be a paid job, then I think it is good if the friend is willing to pay. It gives your child some job experience/opportunities and just because you're getting paid doesn't mean it isn't chessed - as a mom I think it's a huge chessed when girls make themselves available to babysit for me, even though I'm paying them I know they could be doing other things with their time, as most other girls are. But if your DD is hanging out with friend's DD and they're having a good time together and friend's DD happens to be minding her younger sibs at the time and your DD helps, that's not really a job. Or if they spend enough time at each other's homes to just be considered like part of the family re. helping out.

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 3:41 pm

I agree, sometimes it's a Chessed to accept moneys, if the payer is more comfortable that way.

A neighbor of mine is sitting Shiva, and my DD's have made themselves available every night to babysit so her DH can get out to learn and for Maariv. My DD's did not want to accept $$$ but the neighbors wouldn't hear of not paying, so DD's realized it was a Chessed to just be available and take the money. (and normally they would not want to babysit every single night, and they've also extended themselves a bit past their usual time limit....)

I think it's great to teach your kids to do Chessed, and that Chessed is about the other person and how they feel. This can include being paid.

questioner

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 3:58 pm

I remember helping friends /relatives as a teenager without accepting money, but they usually gave a present at some point. Is that a viable compromise?

(I also think that sometimes people prefer to pay because it minimizes the favor aspect and makes them feel better about it, but you have to both sides into consideration. When I was 21, I was very happy to do my cousin a favor and babysit even though I didn't take babysitting jobs in general at that age. I was somewhat annoyed to have to insist every time that I really didn't want to get paid for helping out a relative.
Now that I'm at the other end, I'd love to ask my cousin's (a different one) HS girls to babysit for me more often. The problem is that the girls told me that they really don't generally babysit though they'd help me out if I need it. To me that translates into making a million phone calls every time I need a babysitter and only calling them in desperation.)

Last edited by questioner on Mon, Oct 27 2014, 5:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

Fox

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 4:16 pm

questioner wrote:

I remember helping friends /relatives as a teenager without accepting money, but they usually gave a present at some point. Is that a viable compromise?

Questioner should really be Answerer!

My DDs have helped out many families over the years, and this was definitely the best approach. Often, they were helping out young mothers who were definitely more knowledgeable about what was trendy than I was, so they would give something fun-but-faddish that the girls wouldn't have otherwise used their (or my) money to buy. It was a perfect solution.

shanie5

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 10:29 pm

If I had s/o babysit and she refused money, I would be very hesitant to ask her again-feel like I am taking advantage of her. But if she accepted money-even if less than the going rate, I would feel better about it.

So I think its a bigger chessed to accept s/t and be asked again, than to refuse a/y and have person feel bad and not want to ask again.

I actually have this problem with my plumber. He doesn't charge me for small stuff, so my sink can be dripping for months before I finally call him.

out-of-towner

Mon, Oct 27 2014, 10:58 pm

shanie5 wrote:

This! x1000!!!

As I am young and still have a fair amount of single friends, many of them have babysat for me on more than one occasion. They don't like to accept money from me because they know I'm not rolling in it (although B"H doing fine...far from starving!) and because we do them a lot of favors like having them over for Shabbos, helping with Shidduchim exc. I usually insist that they take the money because I would feel bad asking them to come babysit again if I knew that they were doing me a one-way favor. The least that they could do for me is not let me feel like a Chessed case. (Oh and BTW they often offer to help me and I am not shy to take them up on it when I need it...not for pay!)