Help! I'm too blunt for my own good

amother

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 9:19 am

I became an extremely open person after I got married. I used to be a closed book but when I realized I was hurting those that I was closing out, I worked to share more and let people in, but now I can't stop.

I am totally OK with people knowing if/when I am in Niddah, about my IF journey, etc.etc.

I became so open that I think everyone is OK with being so too. I am constantly asking questions that I later reevaluate to be really inappropriate and offensive like when a friend told me her DH smokes I tried to get her into discussion why it bothers her....

No one seems to be apparently offended when I ask/ comment so it encourages me to do so more but a part of me just wishes I kept my mouth shut.

I think a big part of it is that I'm afraid of a conversation lapse like when I see my neighbor wheeling her kids out for carpool I say "Oh, I thought they leave to school like a half hour earlier, or when I see them up late I say hey, what're they doing up so late" to which she sadly replies she just doesn't have a grip and I immediately wish I could take it back. I don't give a darn where/when/how she is doing things so why do I bother asking and then making them feel bad?!

proudmother1

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 9:29 am

amother wrote:

It seems like you maybe overcorrected a bit?
Try to find a happy medium. Shouldn't be as hard as for the person that was born that way.

As a side note, I'm not sure bluntness is your problem. Perhaps you need to be comfortable with silence when appropriate, and value your own privacy a bit more.

Practice. Now that you know you aren't where you want to be, I'm sure that you will get there.

acccdac

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 9:39 am

I try to teach a similar concept to my kids.
You need to be worried about other's feelings, but you can not expect them to be worried about your feelings.
(as long as you are not treated like a doormat)

for example, if there is one cookie left you should offer it to your friend but don't expect your friend to offer it to you and dont get upset at your friend for not offering it to you.

You could apply the same idea here.
You can be as open as you want (I dont know if I would share nidda, but your IF story I have no problem if you want to share. On a personal note I talk about my miscarriage openly because I find that a lot of people think its taboo or it never happens and its just that no one talks about it and it happens all the time). However, just cause you are open doesnt mean they have to be open.

You should not be asking people about their private lives. You need to ask more generic, non-personal questions. You can ask your neighbor how she is doing or if she has done anything fun lately (instead of why were you up so late). If she wants to share why she was up late she'll use your opening and respond, "actually I had a really fun time last night, my best friend from high school came over and we stayed up late talking like old times."