should I go or not?wwyd?

boysrus

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 8:53 am

Fox wrote:

Absolutely not. No way. No how.

Where did the idea come from that one can move far away from friends and family and then be entitled to hop on a plane because, after all, family is so important? It's always amazing to me that imamothers, who are quick to condemn one another at the least sign of inappropriate expectations, have a blind spot when it comes to travel.

I understand that moving far away often isn't a completely free choice -- there are financial situations; spouses' preferences; visa and immigration restrictions, etc. But unless your life was in danger, moving away involved a choice. Many people make equally difficult choices and sacrifices in order to stay near extended family.

It is not necessarily wrong to move away -- there are lots of good reasons to do so. Nor is it wrong to sacrifice to stay nearby. These are value judgments. But you can't have your cake and eat it, too -- especially when someone else is subsidizing it, even in a passive way.

you sound so adamant that I am guesing you have never been in such a situation, Fox...

LittleDucky

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 10:40 pm

Fox wrote:

How would you define "such a situation"? Making the decision to relocate far away from family? Or making the decision to remain nearby?

I would imagine that every adult has been in this situation . . .

This. It is all about choices. We gave up better job prospects, cheaper cost of living elsewhere etc so we could live near family. We live much simpler lives than we would if we lived elsewhere. Life is defined by the choices we make. Very rarely are things 100% out of your hands.

m in Israel

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 12:27 am

LittleDucky wrote:

And what if the husband's and wife's families live on opposite ends of the globe? Of course it is a choice which side you live near, but there is no possible choice that doesn't involve being far away from at least one spouse's family (unless you are saying that the choice to marry someone whose family lives far away is a choice that morally obligates you to never see your family for the rest of your life. . .)

I happen to agree that OP should not be spending money on a trip to visit family when she is in debt, unless she has a specific payment plan that she is following to pay off that debt. But I think this attitude of "well, you chose to live far away, don't be so "entitled" as to think you have a right to see your family" is not really fair either.

Last edited by m in Israel on Wed, Oct 29 2014, 4:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 5:26 am

As a wife of a person that my husband loaned $$$ to. I say not to go. My husband was promised to get paid back a year later. It's several years later now and he did not get paid back in full. Every few months when my husband calls him to ask for $$$ he has a different story. The reason why this person got himself into debt cause he did not spend his money wisely and shopped at his corner grocery for everything. And his kids on yom tov had nice fine clothes from the heimish stores. It's not right to the people that loaned you money if they find out that you went to visit family. I constantly tell my husband I have to buy groceries and clothes on sale in order you to loan out our saved $$$$ to a person that has no value of a dollar. What happens if the person that loaned you $$$$ did not go to her family simcha overseas and finds out you went? Don't you think it will cause them shalom bayis issues????

boysrus

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 6:40 am

Fox wrote:

sometimes husband and wife are from communities far away from each other, and by choosing to live near husbands parents, by defiinition the wife is thousand s of miles away from hers. So one cant always make a decision to live nearby... having been in this situation myself, it tears you apart emotionally to not be able to visit elderly grandparents, etc, and have your in laws never see your kids for four or more years at a time. It is not straight forward and simple. Best thing is for people in this situation to plan ahead and budget in for travel. eg. putting money aside each month for two years to make such a trip feasible, or amassing airmiles through credit card use in a responsible way, the trick is to plan ahead. It just upsets me when people who have never been in such a difficult situation respond so harshly to the OP. I have been through this myself so I feel like I am more understanding perhaps...

I really hope that the OP WILL go in the cheapest way possible, and after that be more responsible about paying off debt and putting aside cash towards her next trip.

amother

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 2:00 pm

Amother here who hasn't seen IL family in over 6 years.
Just want to point out that my husband's sister is getting married next week and none of us are going. As much as we really wish we could be there we just cannot do it financially. My family has offered a loan for my husbands ticket but we have turned it down. We will not go into further debt.

At the same time, you cannot judge someone who does go. You don't know all the details and circumstances. Like someone chas veshalom not well or elderly.

LittleDucky

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 2:11 pm

m in Israel wrote:

I am not saying it isn't hard to live far from family. I did it for a while. But if the choice is seeing her siblings for a vacation now vs paying back the loans and slowly saving for a trip... It's hard to make a case to go.

If she had said (CV) that great grandma was not doing well and never saw her great grandchild and probably won't make it until they could save up... Or it was CV a levaya of a close family member....or even her closest sister's chasunah... I might feel differently. No reasoning was given here except "I haven't seen them in a while and they haven't met my baby". It doesn't feel like a real compelling reason to go NOW. Why not Skype now and wait to save up some?

But there is a reason people go into debt, sometimes it's "freak of nature" and "1 in a million" situation where it couldn't have been expected to plan for (sudden accident/serious illness that stops someone from being able to work, earthquake crumbled their house in NY or atornado in LA etc....) and sometimes it's due to bad financial planning, spending more than they earn and not saving for a rainy day. Either way-there are times to tighten belts. If they owe lots now, how will they afford this trip?

m in Israel

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 4:17 pm

LittleDucky wrote:

Again, I agree that OP shouldn't go. I DON'T agree with your earlier post, as well as Fox's that said that pretty much every adult has to decide whether or not to live near their family. That may be true for every non-married adult. But for a married couple the choice may not have been to live near family or not to live near family, but rather which family to live near.