Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Is it appropriate to give this compliment...



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Dev80




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 1:55 am
Some of the recent threads like 'outlandish things people said' and 'do you look more put together than you are' got me thinking...


I am very bubbly, I'm outgoing and friendly but not to in your face. I really make a point to say nice things to people I don't necessarily know so well and those I do know well because we all want compliments, but sometimes I know they are superficial but want people to feel good.

Like....

Your son is sharing so nicely, he's such a sweet boy! (even though I know he has behavioral issues)
You're amazing you could host your in laws your a mentch (even tho it's probably a challenge!)
You're so on top of things (even tho we know that people can't be on top of EVERYTHING)
Your kids are so well behaved (and we all know kids have their moments when they're not well behaved)
(parenthesis are side comments, obviously not saying that to them)

Is it nice to give those kind of compliments that I really mean or are people usually thinking the underlying 'if she only knew...."
Back to top

vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 2:12 am
I think it is more than OK to give these compliments. You might just give energy to people that need it to be calm with their kids for one more day, or able to go through just one more sleepless night with their newborn, or smile about their lot in life instead of feeling down. You probably lift their spirits - great job !!
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 3:59 am
Yes they're fine comments, just don't make them to the same person all the time. You will sound insincere and exaggerated. I have a friend who does this. She is very sweet, probably is sincere, but it's too much. I'm normal, not a super lady.

Compliments are always appreciated
Especially if you suspect they are dealing with a not easy situation.
Back to top

Terri




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 7:38 am
What a thoughtful question.

Part of these compliments are helpful and part can just make a person feel worse (ie "if she only knew..." and/or patronized). The trick is to leave in the descriptive part and omit the part which defines the person.

For ex: "Your son is sharing so nicely."-leave out that he's such a good boy.
"It's so special you're hosting your in laws. I really admire that." Omit that she's such a mentsch.

Describe what you see.
Describe how it makes you feel.
Don't describe/define the PERSON.
Leave it there.
Because that's sincere and real.
Back to top

debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 8:18 am
Terri wrote:
What a thoughtful question.

Part of these compliments are helpful and part can just make a person feel worse (ie "if she only knew..." and/or patronized). The trick is to leave in the descriptive part and omit the part which defines the person.

For ex: "Your son is sharing so nicely."-leave out that he's such a good boy.
"It's so special you're hosting your in laws. I really admire that." Omit that she's such a mentsch.

Describe what you see.
Describe how it makes you feel.
Don't describe/define the PERSON.
Leave it there.
Because that's sincere and real.


Such good advice, Terri.
Back to top

Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 10:42 am
You are still rendering judgment, even though it is a positive judgment.

Say, instead

"it's so nice when children share. I love watching our kids play"

"it's so nice when people host their inlaws. I admire those who do that."

" I love to be around women who are so on top of things. It's an inspiration to me. (big smile here)"

"It's a pleasure to see kids so well behaved. (big smile here)"

It's safer that way. The person's self-judgment is not called out of his nap to decree whether praise is warranted, and others who are present won't start to get jealous. They have judgments too and may start to weigh if your positive verdict is so accurate?

Sometimes praise is impertinent. Even though it is not meant to be. It can hurt people. Someone who says straight out "you are so nice to host your inlaws" can be heard as "you are so nice to host YOUR IMPOSSIBLE INLAWS" with just a slight adjustment of voice tone.

So keep it general, deflected, indirect and ricochet, I would say.

The bright spotlight even of beaming approval may not always be easy for people to deal with.

However, I think you are very nice!
Back to top

naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 31 2014, 12:18 pm
listen to terri.


it's great to hear a compliment about what you can observe! when you label someone as being say, amazing!!, even if if it's a good label, it can create feelings that are not so positive when the person isn't successful at being Amazing!! also they know they are not Amazing!! all the time so it the compliment can seem insincere

this is true for complimenting children too, avoid calling them good boys etc.. but by all means compliment their behavior,
Back to top

etky




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 01 2014, 11:32 am
Dolly Welsh wrote:
You are still rendering judgment, even though it is a positive judgment.

Say, instead

"it's so nice when children share. I love watching our kids play"

"it's so nice when people host their inlaws. I admire those who do that."

" I love to be around women who are so on top of things. It's an inspiration to me. (big smile here)"

"It's a pleasure to see kids so well behaved. (big smile here)"

It's safer that way. The person's self-judgment is not called out of his nap to decree whether praise is warranted, and others who are present won't start to get jealous. They have judgments too and may start to weigh if your positive verdict is so accurate?

Sometimes praise is impertinent. Even though it is not meant to be. It can hurt people. Someone who says straight out "you are so nice to host your inlaws" can be heard as "you are so nice to host YOUR IMPOSSIBLE INLAWS" with just a slight adjustment of voice tone.

So keep it general, deflected, indirect and ricochet, I would say.

The bright spotlight even of beaming approval may not always be easy for people to deal with.

However, I think you are very nice!


I agree with this. Praise can bear tremendous emotional impact and can sometimes be tricky. It should be kept as neutral as possible. There are some people who will automatically read something other than what the praiser meant into his/her comment- by analyzing the praiser's motivation for praising or their intonation and/or by focusing on what he/she might have left out or just by plain overthinking.
Praise can also be an incursion into another person's privacy, especially in the area of physical appearance. Best to tread cautiously and think before speaking.
Back to top

life is fun




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 01 2014, 1:12 pm
on other hand it can make the person feel, who may be a bit insecure esp talking about in laws... if this is what this complimenting person sees," maybe im not doing such a bad job after all".

I think it depends on each individual. we often don't know where another person is holding. it could be such a boost getting a compliment. maybe the person just had a negative incident with the child, possibly the child could be a special needs one which is not visible to an outsider. then there is enough struggles.
having the in laws staying could be such a hassle sometimes, so a bit of admiration/compliment will just soften the experience.

personally I feel if we are able to make a person feel good with a compliment , why not. as long as it sounds sincere.
to say it in front of others is another issue whether people a grown up enough to not be jealous.....or be careful what the compliment is about
Back to top

Dev80




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 1:51 am
Thanks for the responses. Terri and Dolly you both made very vaild and interesting points about making it not personal, I think there is something to that since what I've seen from these other threads is you never know what else is going on/how this can make someone feel when they think 'if only she knew'. I think That others are also correct though that some people may really appreciate the direct compliment (I know I do).

I think I will try and train myself to be more 'general' but if I make it personal will not second guess myself like 'did I say the right thing' and don't worry lymnok, I'm not like this all the time (I think...) although I think we may live near each other (based on the mikva threads) so maybe I AM that friend.. who knows lol
Back to top

Dev80




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 1:55 am
etky wrote:

Praise can also be an incursion into another person's privacy, especially in the area of physical appearance. Best to tread cautiously and think before speaking.


I would only praise the appearance of some one I know very well, or well enough that I know she's comfortable with that, not some one I just met at the grocery store or see at gan pick up. And obviously I say it nicely with NO connotation (or at least I hope there's no connotation taken...) but definitely wouldn't compliment a stranger on appearance, but would compliment a shirt/shoes I like
Back to top

amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 2:44 am
I do this, sometimes to strangers (even though I am very, very shy!!). I know what it's like to feel like you just need a little appreciation. I wouldn't overdo it, but everyone could use a compliment!

I once was in line at yesh and saw a mother with 4 girls. They were all complaining and crying, and she was so flushed. She got into a bad convo with the cashier, which prolonged the time she took to get out of there. When she was leaving, I told her she was doing a great job and she had a lot of patience. She was grateful, but I can bet you that after she got out of there, she had a really good feeling in her heart. This is not about what I did, but more that a good compliment can go a long way and really change your day.

What a good question Smile
Back to top

SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 5:47 am
I never thought about paying a compliment as being tough, but I've discovered it is an art and we've actually been practicing the art a bit around our house since it doesn't come naturally to one and to all. My advice is to give compliments in a genuine, never over-exaggerate (amazing is an overused term in our circles and I hate being called amazing because I'm not), and don't hint at the negative as a "but" kills everything. Say something true and real an leave it at that.

Parents with kids who have behavioral issues or academic issues will especially love a well placed compliment and I think it is important to give people in our community reassurance that they are doing some things right because we seem to live pretty stressful lives to some extent and feel like we are never accomplishing everything we should be. I think Dolly's suggestions are a very nice way of complimenting without laying it on too thick. Terri's suggestions were great too.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 5:06 pm
Pretty much what Terri said. Make it specific and relevant to the here and now. "What a gorgeous sweater you're wearing, the color reminds me of raspberry sorbet (my favorite)." "I was impressed with how nicely your ds set the table." "I appreciated the patient way your dd helped my dd with her homework." "Your dc gave a beautiful dvar torah; clearly a lot of thought went into it."

Too general and it becomes meaningless, fake and condescending. "You're such a good mother!" sounds a lot like "what a good little girl you are (pat, pat on the head)!" to which any person of spirit would respond "Baloney, and who are you to say so, anyway?"
Back to top

Bitachon101




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 7:49 pm
First of all we all need compliments.
Make that sincere compliments.

That said, I can only speak for myself but sometimes I feel some compliments are really pointing out how incompetent I really am in general.... And pointing out that I stepped out of that box for the moment. Anyone know what I mean?

Like some times when my mil (I love her dearly but we don't always see eye to eye) tells me she is soooo impressed with something I did, I almost get the feeling like usually I'm not impressive to u but this little stupid thing rendered a huge compliment cuz she trying to focus on my good but it actually brings out a general insecurity. Especially when she sees me struggling with juggling my kids and I can't get kids to listen and she tells me I'm so good at juggling the kids.... Its like - are u trying to rub in that I'm not pulling it togethe and just don't want me to feel bad so u say that? I know she really is trying to make me feel better when she says these things but it just rubs me the wrong way. And not limited to mil.
Some ppl know how to make you feel good when they compliment and some know how to make u feel worse. Its a hard balance.

I try very hard to compliment ppl as much as possible in a sincere way how I would want to be complimented
Back to top

Bitachon101




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 7:59 pm
Literally seconds after I posted a friend texted me "thanks, you're the best!"
Those type of compliments are appreciated.
I know I may or may not be the best psn in her life but it shows appreciation for what I did for her and felt good.
Yet if someone would tell me I'm the best when I clearly am struggling with something.... I think I wouldn't appreciate it. Its all in context.
Jmho.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
S/O stuff you need / stuff to give away 78 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:17 am View last post
Don't have who to give shaloch manos
by amother
9 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 5:28 am View last post
BH my kids are cute or we would give them away!!
by amother
26 Fri, Mar 22 2024, 9:07 am View last post
[ Poll ] S/O Therapists, what % of clients give mm?
by amother
9 Fri, Mar 22 2024, 7:07 am View last post
Do you give fancy MM to parents/in laws?
by amother
27 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:56 am View last post