T A N T R U M S &I am lost

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 10:50 am

B''H we had a second child recently. since then the older child acts like crazy. she was ALWAYS SOOOO calm and quiet and patient and shy. now she is just the oposite: she throws tantrums all the time. she loves her little brother , shares her toys with him etc. but her behaviour has changed drastically and she is very very very demanding. I literally have NO control of her moods and cannot take her anywhere anymore (she will yell, throw herself on the floor...). she stopped following any rules, tries to get her way in EVERY POSSIBLE WAY, she QUETCHES ALL DAY LONG (except in playgroup). she is also sleep deprived, cos she will NOT fall asleep alone anymore and I have no time to sit next to her (I did for a week, but it took her almost three hours to fall asleep every time- I have to nurse the baby and evenings are the ONLY time with dh- so I am torn between three rooms...). there is a 2 year and 4 month age gap between her and her brother. I am totally shocked and have no enegry to face her moods. is her behaviour normal? what can I do? I feel sorry for dd and try to have special private time with her every day for about 2 hours (I pay a babysitter, pump milk for the baby, get everything ready- we go to playgrounds, playdates, walks etc.)- no phonecalls during that time. throughout the day I try to give her as much attention as possible (she helps me in the kitchen and helps to change the babys diapers etc, we play together...) it seems not to work. again, she is totally fine with the baby, smiles when she sees him, kisses him, brings him toys, ...I dont think this is typical jealousy. when my father came to visit yesterday (he comes every couple of weeks) he hardly recognized her- this is not the granddaughter he saw last month. Sad

obviously we love her to bits, but how can I make a good chinuch here and save my sanity???

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 1:52 pm

Agree with the above! Give tons of positive attention when she's sitting quietly and doing good things, and ignore the negative attempts at getting your attention (which is what these tantrums are).

I know you have a new baby, but if there's ever a chance that someone (husband, parents, etc) can take the baby for half an hour, during which time you can sit and give one-on-one attention with NO interruptions to your older kid, it would help a lot! She's just figured out that now she can't have you whenever she wants, so she's started to act out (plus, it's the age anyway, even if you didn't have a new baby).

When you're changing diapers etc, try to include her as much as possible, so she doesn't feel like oh now it's mommy and baby only. Ask her to get you a diaper, or a blanket, or whatever. And then comment on how she's a big helper and a big sister.

You're doing great!!!

5*Mom

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 2:05 pm

amother wrote:

I disagree. Tantrums at that age are strong emotions that exceed the child's ability to manage them. They are not an attempt to manipulate you and they are very rarely only about the thing that triggered them. Don't take a tantrum personally and you don't have to give into a tantrum but ignoring your child during one of these emotional meltdowns is counterproductive, not to mention cruel. What she needs right then is to borrow your emotional stability so she can regain hers. Some children like to be held during a tantrum, others become violent if you try it. Take some time to figure out what works best for your child to help her regain her equilibrium, even if that's only sitting quietly next to her on the floor until her crying sounds more sad and needy than demanding and angry, at which point she may be more receptive to being held and calmed. Above all, stay calm, even if the situation is embarrassing.

It does sound like you're doing great and giving her lots of time and individual attention. The tantrums are developmentally appropriate and you just need to find what works for her to help her regain her balance.

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 2:07 pm

I would also suggest that when you see her throwing a tantrum about something, if you know what it was about, go down to her level and say "you really wanted to eat that cookie? you really wanted __?" so she feels understood. You can then say, well now it's dinner so we can't, or whatever - it doesn't mean you say yes, it just means you show her that you understand her. I stop crying fits with this all the time. At first my husband was like, you're encouraging her crying, but I actually see now that it helps. She just wants to be understood and loved. She just can't express it in an adult way.

kollel wife

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 2:17 pm

As you're saying it's Very likely the tantrums are due to the new baby, but just in case ....

maybe have her checked out at the doctor as well in case she's under the weather or has somewhat of an ear infection/urinary infection etc which could also cause this type of behavior or aggravate her jealousy/tantruming.

If you did try to take away a bottle, pacifier, train her, go backwards - the less challenges the better right now.

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 11:08 pm

Wow thank you ladies for your advice. I had her checked out yesterday, indeed she has a small ear infection, no fever... as for finding out what works for her during a tantrum: we are still trying to find out ( definitely not holding- also she is 29 pounds, I cant carry her for health reasons but she beggs for it). One approach ive tried was not giving her options ( instead of 'shall we wash hands now?' I say ' now well wash hands!') - this way she feels more lead, within boundaries and secure I guess. She acted calmer I believe. I aleays gave her optiobs and she used to live to choose and be part of decision making ( cornflakes or oatmeal?, blue or green skurz? ...) - now susdainly she seems overwhelmed by this.