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Will an unwanted pregnancy effect a child long term



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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:11 pm
so yesterday I was sitting 'round the table with some colleagues. a social worker included.
somehow it came up and she mentioned that woman that have unwanted pregnancies and say so during the pregnancy are effecting their baby since these things are entrenched even at this stage
I had not wanted to be pregnant. throughout the whole pregnancy I cried and cried. and could not stop saying how much I dont want it . the only thing I was able to think of when my baby was born was- thank god its over.


But now I love her to pieces. I would die for her. I am a really good loving mother.
she will never ever know that she was an unwanted pregnancy. she will always know that she is a very wanted child
nobody besides for dh and the dr who trerated mt pnd know about this so its not like she could hear it from anyone
do you really think the social worker was right or is it just fruend taking things too far
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Abby2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:17 pm
I think the fact that you bonded with her straight away is what matters most.
Pregnancy is important but the first few months are crucial for healthy attachment.

And you seemed to have had that with your child.
I don't think you need to be concerned.
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proudmother1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:18 pm
amother wrote:
so yesterday I was sitting 'round the table with some colleagues. a social worker included.
somehow it came up and she mentioned that woman that have unwanted pregnancies and say so during the pregnancy are effecting their baby since these things are entrenched even at this stage
I had not wanted to be pregnant. throughout the whole pregnancy I cried and cried. and could not stop saying how much I dont want it . the only thing I was able to think of when my baby was born was- thank god its over.


But now I love her to pieces. I would die for her. I am a really good loving mother.
she will never ever know that she was an unwanted pregnancy. she will always know that she is a very wanted child
nobody besides for dh and the dr who trerated mt pnd know about this so its not like she could hear it from anyone

do you really think the social worker was right or is it just fruend taking things too far


This is what matters.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:29 pm
I agree with the above posters. You should not spend another minute worrying about this!

I was in the same situation - I cried the whole pregnancy, I thought it was the end of the world, I had two other kids under 3 in the house and thought I couldn't handle more just yet.

But, the moment DS was born, it was true love. We named him Simcha, and he is truly a great joy in our lives.

Don't listen to this silliness from the social worker!

(posting as amother because I included personal details and don't want people to know how I felt about the pregnancy)
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:39 pm
The birth process worked as a teshuva and you are fine now. So is the kid. Teshuva works.

Hurray for you.

The kid wasn't alone in there. He / she was with an angel, studying Torah. That was a protective factor.

Don't worry about it. It's fine.
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imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:39 pm
Lots of women have unwanted pregnancies. Some even make jokes about their child being an oops. I haven't seen any affected by it yet as long as mother and child bond after birth.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 1:51 pm
I got preg and therapist thought I should do abortion. I couldn't bring myself to it but wished I'd have a miss/still. I cried whole preg. thought I'd want to give baby up for adoption. (I was in mid of contemplating divorce and we were together like 3 times the whole year with BC and way past mik nite)
Basically I felt so lovingto baby after. I loved this child more than any other and child is doing just great!
We just have to leave a lot more to Hashem!!!
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 2:20 pm
Oh please! My husband was so mad when I got pregnant with my second son, that he practically denied the pregnancy until I actually gave birth. My husband loves my son so much, possibly more then anyone else in the world. They have an amazing bond. It really makes on difference what you felt like when you were pregnant, only the way you feel when you are finally holding the love of your life in your arms.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 7:32 pm
this must be the latest thing to say because I had a social worker ask me if my child was wanted because he is having some issues at school. pay no mind to it at all. psychobabble at its worst. and I have great respect for therapy and have used it myself and for my child successfully. but not these comments. what good can come of it? so what? so the pregnancy was or wasn't wanted. that means s/one is maimed for life? honestly. they will disprove this one in a few years.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 7:39 pm
I have yet to meet a social worker (in a professional capacity) that I have liked. Don't listen to her.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 7:40 pm
I'm so sorry to be rude, but I think the mere act of asking someone if a child was wanted is ridiculous and irrelevant. For years I denounced the idea of marriage (I was secular) and I love my DH to bits. My prior thoughts before I knew him are irrelevant.

Even if someone didn't want to get pregnant and swore how much she hated her child during pregnancy that will have no bearing on her love for her child. If a social worker really believes otherwise then they should change vocations IMHO...

*Hug* OP
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 7:41 pm
amother wrote:
I got preg and therapist thought I should do abortion. I couldn't bring myself to it but wished I'd have a miss/still. I cried whole preg. thought I'd want to give baby up for adoption. (I was in mid of contemplating divorce and we were together like 3 times the whole year with BC and way past mik nite)
Basically I felt so lovingto baby after. I loved this child more than any other and child is doing just great!
We just have to leave a lot more to Hashem!!!


Wow! I always told myself that if it happened, at least the child would be born out of and into love. I am so happy for you and wish you much nachas.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 9:04 pm
octopus wrote:
I have yet to meet a social worker (in a professional capacity) that I have liked. Don't listen to her.


That makes me sad. I'm a social worker and I believe I'm pretty likable.

That said, I have had an unplanned pregnancy too. While the fetus can be affected by the mother's stress levels during pregnancy, other emotions don't really make a difference. As long as the mother and child bond after birth, it doesn't matter whether the pregnancy was wanted or not. However, if the mother does not want the pregnancy, she may view her newborn child as the one who caused her so much trouble, which can interfere with the bonding. That is not the norm, though - emotionally healthy parents can bond with their babies regardless of whether the pregnancy was wanted or not.

I think your friend was out of line for saying this.
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Sherri




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 06 2014, 9:10 pm
Well, I spoke with an experienced and reputable psychiatrist who deals with perinatal/neonatal issues who told me that many women are concerned over their feelings for the baby while pregnant, and none of that matters. What matters is the bonding with the child after the child is born. (And obviously if a woman resents a pregnancy that can be the cause of not bonding with the baby after birth, but that's not what you're talking about.) Choose whom you'd like to believe.

OP, enjoy your child and may you experience much joy and nachas!
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