Want to buy my kids everything

amother

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 8:29 am

I grew up in a strict home. My parents never believed in giving me "what everyone else had," and I believe I suffered a little because of it. Mind you I absolutely DO NOT believe that a child shoudl get whatever they want, and that gifts and presents should be for a reason most of the time. But my clothes and shoes were always different, my toys were always different, and I always felt insecure and unpopular. I had trouble with friends until I learned what my assets were (which wasn't until high school.) I always wished that I could have at least some of what other people had so I wouldn't feel different. School aged girls can be very cruel sometimes.

So now I struggle every day. DD is a very sensitive soul, and gets hurt easily. I want her to fit in until she learns that it can be a good thing to stand out. (As a first grader, she is too young to understand that). On one hand I want her to have 20 barbies, and an iPad, and manicures and lip gloss because that's what her friends in school have, but on the other hand I know that not all of these are age-appropriate. On one hand I want to overcompensate for what I didn't have as a child by giving her everything I wanted as a child but couldn't get (like brand name things, ballet lessons, manicures and toys) but on the other hand I want to teach her middos, and delayed gratification and that she can't get everythign she wants.

But I honestly want to buy her presents just because. I want to go to amazing savigns and buy her everythign just to see the joy on her face when I give it to her. I don't want to wait until chanuka or a birthday or pesach.

Not sure what I'm looking for by this post, but maybe a way to deal with my struggles?

sima

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 8:39 am

I also struggle with this although due to different reasons, but in the end I also just want to see my kids happy since I feel that they've had a lot to endure in their lives already. I know I can't make up for what happened with material gifts, and I don't do that, but I give them a little something every now and then. I think you just have to balance it, don't give in all the time. I'll reward them occasionally with something, other times they have to wait.......... find your balance.

Rutabaga

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 8:40 am

There's nothing wrong with buying little treats or "I love you" presents occasionally. I mean small things like pretty pencils or cute erasers or glittery pens that your can make your daughter feel special without costing a lot or spoiling her. I agree that bigger presents should be for an occasion.

Be careful that you're not projecting your own childhood desires and insecurities on your daughter. She may not notice or want all the stuff that you did. And it's important to strike a balance. Children need to be told no every so often or that some things are too expensive to buy impulsively. Getting your daughter everything she might want can be just as damaging in the long run as getting her nothing.

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 8:42 am

I think the key to a happy child is balance, and your post reflects that very well.

Quote:

I always wished that I could have at least some of what other people had so I wouldn't feel different.

Fitting in is very individual to the circles you associate with. I have a first grader myself, and no one in her class has 20 barbies, an iPad, or manicures and lip gloss. So those are not on our list.

But she does have a Target version of the American girl doll - actually she has two, so that she share when a friend comes over. She has a large dollhouse with many (too many) accessories, accumulated over the years (I have 3 girls B'AH.....) We have puzzles, games, blocks, etc...Basically, she has a selection of toys/games that can keep 6 year olds entertained at play-date.

For your DD, if barbies, lip gloss, and fun nail colors are the thing, then by all means get her some, in moderation. (20 does sound a bit much Smile

).

Every so often I will buy her a present for an occasion, and I love seeing the excitement this generates. For example, in honor of her siddur party I took her to Toys 4 U and told her she can choose any gift within reason. She chose a Hello Kitty set that included a board with dry erase markers, pencils, erasers, pads, stampers, etc....She was glowing when we walked out.

For just because, I do smaller things, like the $$ store, or a slurpy, or icecream just the two of us.

amother

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 9:42 am

DH is just like you describe yourself. He is always buying stuff for our kids and trying to give them "a good life" as he calls it.

I try to remind him sometimes that the kids (who are still very young) don't yet have the need, or want, for the grand trips on CH, expensive toys or luxuries. I have realized that most of the time, even though he does it for and with the kids, he is really doing it for himself. HE enjoys the fun trips, and HE enjoys to build and play with the toys.

One child is really the easygoing type and all the extras are a bit overwhelming to him sometimes, so DH is still learning to balance his "need" in a way that doesn't overwhelm the kids.

You know your child best, but what you think she needs or wants isn't always the case. You need to find out how much of a difference it will make in her life to get her the "everything" that "everyone" has. Because she is still young, though, you need to help her figure it out sometimes.

I agree that it is not okay to make your child feel different because of "principle". It can cause the child unnecessary pain and shame.

Sorry for long and rambly post. (I am still working on being short and to the point. Is that a skill that could be acquired?)

amother

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:04 am

I also grew up the way you did, maybe more so. I still remember having to wear rubber boots on top of my shoes (NO ONE DID) and was so, so embarassed. I was very shy, lacking in self confidence, even a target for kids to make fun of, but I still had to do what my parents wanted.

Today, in raising my kids. I cannot afford to give them all they want. And I wouldn't want to either. But I try to buy what's in style.

If you anyway need school shoes make sure to get the type everyone is wearing, not a type that is "different". I will extend myself to make them happy, but then eventually draw the line. You told me you wanted a school sweater of this type, and I bought it. You cannot change your mind two months later, but we'll have to wait until next year to buy another one.

Sort of like the "shvil hazahav." Pay attention to her sensitivities, help build confidence by buying things that will help her to feel included, but sometimes draw the line and try to build up her confidence even then when saying no.
"We buy strong briefcases to last two years, so this year I have to use the same one as last year."
Give some things, even many things to make her feel the same as everyone but don't just always give anything and everything.

amother

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:16 am

My DH tended to give his kids from his first marriage material things. But a) it was never enough, and there were always hard feelings about the things they didn't get; and b) it taught them that the best -- and only, really -- way to be happy is to have more stuff.

It has taken years, and I am still working on helping them verbalize emotional needs, and think about what really satisfies you.

IMO, it doesn't mean breaking the bank to make a child happy. You don't say yes to everything, but you help them figure out what matters most to them, and you find a way to say yes to that.

morah

Fri, Oct 31 2014, 4:35 am

As a teacher, I see every day how important it is for kids to fit in. It can really ruin a life to not fit in because the parents "on principle" won't buy into any trends ever. But of course you don't want cater to every whim. That teaches many wrong lessons- about spending and materialism, about peer pressure, about values, about children ruling the roost. So the trick is to find a balance. Sometimes, you do buy something that's hot right now, something that's purely a want on their part. When to do so and when not to do so depends on many factors- money, values, and how your child is doing socially. But those are some guidelines for navigating this.

Happy18

Fri, Oct 31 2014, 5:21 am

morah wrote:

Completely agree!

OneSource

Fri, Oct 31 2014, 6:01 am

I definitely struggle with the same thing! We've learned to cut back on presents throughout the year but we still do special treats like slurpee's and ice cream out to make the kids feel special w/o breaking the bank. We've limited chanukah to a small present each night (a book, set of glitter pens, new paints, a barbie etc) and birthdays now have either a couple of smaller presents or a single big one (leap pad, major toy etc.) and that's it. During the year, we really try to stay away from toy stores and buying them stuff they just don't need. It's not about money - for us, it's about teaching my 6 year old that we shop to fill a specific need and not to just spend money and waste time. Lately, she's been asking why we dont just buy her stuff anymore and we told her because money is important and she has SO MANY toys that it's time she use what she has. I find that so many people we know just buy, buy and buy when there's no need and it doesn't teach the kids anything other than materialism is awesome! Don't get me wrong, my daughter gets on trend stuff that he classmates have and I know it's important to fit in so her shoes are right, tights are 1st grade appropriate and her accessories keep her fitting in. But I do this because I remember what it's like not to fit in or have cool things because my parents could afford anything (ever.) It's just a matter of deciding when a gift is appropriate or when it fosters too much an entitlement mentality and bad midos.

spring13

Fri, Oct 31 2014, 9:04 am

Maybe you can find ways to share experiences with her that will give her that same glow as gift-giving. Bake some fancy cookies and have a tea party, paint each others nails (she might love doing it for you!) instead of going out for manicures, have ice cream or slurpee dates as other people have suggested. Try spending some money with her at a bookstore instead of a toystore, or if she needs clothing take her with you to pick out some cool tights herself.

Kids learn a lot about how money is spent and the value of pretty/special things when they're involved in the process of buying or making them. "This pair of socks costs $12, or you could get these two slightly-less-fabulous ones for the same amount. Which is more important to you right now, having 2 nice pairs or just the one special one?" And if she picks the more expensive one (assuming that you can in fact afford it), then that's ok: she made an informed decision.

fmt4

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 1:54 pm

My kids also get lots of toys- from us, from their grandparents and great grand parents, uncles and aunts. The problem is that they then don't appreciate the toys. They get bored of them easily and always expect more. That's why I try to make sure that it's only for special occasions. Otherwise they think that they deserve to get a new toy every week.