Spin off- I'm in the poor house but dh isn't

Ema of 5

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 2:02 pm

I was reading that thread and someone wrote "It is not a good thing to have his and hers money in a marriage .
Every women should have emergency
money if she ever needs to get out."
I don't really understand how this works. It's not healthy to have separate accounts, but a woman SHOULD have a separate account? Or keep cash hidden somewhere in case of emergencies? Why is it ok for her to have separate money and not him?

amother

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 3:30 pm

The emergency fund/separate money is part of the budget... Ie- u might always keep a 500 dollar stash for ur needs treats etc.
some take out money every month from this others have more of a savings....
It's not like I'm not paying from my money that I earned cuz that's mine, or my parents are giving money so I

Ema of 5

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 4:28 pm

amother wrote:

I understand that, I was just questioning what that person wrote. That it's not ok to have separate accounts, but the wife should always have her own money.

gittelchana

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 7:29 pm

eema of 3 wrote:

Aaaahhhhh, the double standard......

momsprince

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 7:47 pm

the way I understand it is that the money should be shared. let's say both husband and wife get $500 a month to spend however they like(I'm just throwing a number out there). Yet it's wise for a woman (for a man too) to take off a bit of this $500 and keep it in a place the other shouldn't be aware of. That money should be used in case of emergency. (and I like using it for surprise gifts for my husband.)

bookworm10

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 8:08 pm

A marriage therapist (And a good one, top of his field and department at a very well known place) once said that he things every couple should each have their own petty fund. It shouldn't be hidden, but separate for them to spend a little on whatever they want. (Presents for the other, or someone one wants and the other doesn't feel is a need... etc)

zaq

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 6:08 pm

The "knippel", or private stash of cash, is an old and honored married woman's tradition. Women would scrounge a bit from the grocery money or make a few cents selling eggs from their hen or something, and set that aside without informing the dh. This knippel might have been used to bail the family out when they were down to their last groschen, or to afford some major and normally undreamed-of expense, or to buy gifts for the dh, or to get rid of the dh if it came to that.

I'm a firm believer in the tripartite family financial system: His money, her money, and their money. If he wants to buy yet another electronic toy that will be obsolete almost before he opens the box, he's danged well going to do it with his money, not ours. And if I want to drop a bundle on liposuction, it's coming out of my money, not ours.

greenfire

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 6:29 pm

while it's ideal to have joint accounts and share everything - with a few bucks put aside for rainy day things ...

the problem is like this ... the money is both of yours - until one fine day someone gets mad enough to clean out the accounts and then you're left penniless - no food no tampons no monies [no toilet paper]

yeah it's usually the wife with the kids

Last edited by greenfire on Fri, Nov 14 2014, 8:51 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 8:43 pm

I started my separate bank account when I wanted to divorce my ex. Up until that point he took my entire paycheck for expenses and used any leftover money for shopping sprees. There was no money left for me to even get a car and be independent.

amother

Fri, Nov 14 2014, 12:18 am

Greenfire speaks the truth. The day my ex told me he was leaving me, I also found out all the credit card bills were maxed out in one month on stuff I never saw (he had his "leaving supplies" hidden at work) and he had opened a checking account in his name only and cleaned out all our savings. He left me with exactly $200. I had to beg my landlord for extra time to pay the rent, borrow to make my car payment, and make the $200 last forever for food and gas until I could build a little up.

If you have joint funds, set it up with a bank that will email you every time there is a withdrawal and that requires withdrawals over a certain amount to have two signatures on it.

It took me years to recover financially. Yes, we lived in a joint property state and he was responsible for half the credit cards but he said flat out, "My credit is terrible. Yours is good. I'm not paying any of those bills. You're the only one with something to lose if they don't get paid."

Almost 20 years later I still get phone calls for people looking for him because he owes them money or they want to repossess his car. And he still found someone else to marry him...