Toddler help! | Imamother

amother

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 11:04 pm

I don't post often, but I am really struggling and could use advice from some experienced moms out there.
My son is two and a half, and has been really difficult since birth. Then again, he's my first (and only), so I don't really know, but he seems very difficult TO ME! He's super stubborn, and none of the usual "rules" that I read about seem to apply to him- refused anything other than the breast when he was a newborn, didn't sleep through the night till 18+ months, is the pickiest eater you will probably ever meet, is STILL sleeping in my bed... The list goes on and on. I try to implement rules, but he is just so stubborn, and I can never get him to do anything unless I bribe him with candy which I try not to do unless I'm desperate (for obvious reasons). I know he's only two, but it just seems like everything he does is to spite me! Like literally everything is a struggle with him. I knwo a lot of this is normal for this age, but it just seems more extreme with him.

(I'll also mention here that he is extremely bright. I know every mom thinks that, but he really is ahead of kids his age in a lot of areas. Knows how to recognize all the alphabet and their sounds, numbers, colors, shapes,etc. I don't know if this is related at all to my issues, but I may as well write something positive!)

Anyway, I've been dealing with all these issues since he was born, and I felt as though we were making a lot of progress recently. I started to assume that this is just how toddlers are (are they?) and he's starting to grow out of it. Then today his playgroup teacher mentioned that he is probably the most challenging child in the playgroup, and he is constantly hitting other kids and doesn't really know how to get along with others. Also he recently somehow discovered the concept of guns (not in my house!) and is constantly walking around pretending to shoot. Of course, as a first time mom, who put my heart and soul into this child- I AM FREAKING OUT. What can I do differently? I feel like such a failure Sad

the world's best mom

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 11:21 pm

Step #1: Stop feeling like a failure. You're not as failure. You're doing a great job.

Step #2: If you have an exact plan of how to discipline, you'll feel more confident in dealing with your child, and then you'll be able to calmly teach him the right thing to do. This is your first child, so it's totally normal to not feel confident in your parenting. Parenting books can help you feel like you have some idea of what you are supposed to be doing.

A lot of what you write about him sounds like a normal child. Some children are more difficult than others. It's possible that sensory issues could be playing a role there. is there an OT you can ask for an opinion? Someone you know who can tell you if she thinks you should be concerned?

Regarding the guns: this is something you will see as he grows up- children learn things you don't want them to know, and there's no way to make them unlearn it. They see things outside the house and you can't control it. If you make a huge deal out of it, he may enjoy your reaction and keep playing with imaginary guns. if you just say we don't do guns here because guns give boo boos and then leave the topic alone, he may eventually get bored of it and move on to something else.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 11:22 pm

Breast milk is what they like when very young. Yours may have been much nicer than the store bought stuff.

Sleeping with you from the beginning taught him to expect that. Sleeping through the night at 18 months might be a strong, restless person, or maybe it was waking him up to be physically near you, just because it was interesting to him.

He sounds like a vigorous, assertive male. That's ok. He may need a lot of physical movement, more than the other kids. They don't all sit still well, and there are restless adults who like to pace, go out for a walk, go see so-and-so in his office when a phone call would do, and generally move around more than others. That's just personal. He can be a nice guy that way.

You might talk to the ped.

Have his father establish boundaries. This one may never be big on listening to female authority, they aren't all. There are men who can't work for a woman. Both you and the teacher are women.

You have a strong one here. Have a very few, but non-negotiable rules. Get help with that.

I think it is hard to lay down the law with a kid when you are his bed and pillow. It is just so accepting. It might be time to not be his bed and pillow because you need to civilize him and it's authority time. Meaning, he sleeps in his own place or bed or room.

If it has to happen it will. Give him a night light, colorful pictures all around, possibly a white noise machine or humidifier that sounds like one, and some very nice stuffed animals that he knows already to sleep with. I am not usually any fan of cry-it-out, but I might be this time. He won't do it forever.

It is essential to civilize him. Just remember to let him get good and physically tired.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 12:27 am

Dolly is right about this one. You may be too soft as a mother to be able to get him in line. Have his father set down some rules about learning to sleep in his own room and how to behave in the house. Back up your husband 100%, and don't let DS divide you (he will try, believe me!)

If someone around there doesn't assert authority, the child will take it every. single. time.

chani8

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 3:07 am

I recommend that you baby this Alpha-boy as long as possible. An alpha male has two sides, the commando side, and then the fearful-which-angers him side.

Don't stress him with unnecessary rules because he'll feel bullied. Don't try to 'scare' him into behaving by threatening punishment, because he hates feeling fear so that'll make him angry.

I find with my Alpha that he needs hugs, honest compliments, and very little rules.

But he needs to see that he is not Alpha over you or father.

You want his trust and respect for you as his leaders, so be kind and clear and fair-about-rules.

At this young age, you need to give your DS time to be a baby, as well as the space to be a Sergeant over his life as much as possible.

amother

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 11:36 am

Thanks everyone for your replies. I actually found all of them to be really helpful. Worlds best mom- it's funny cuz I actually had concerns about a sensory issue because of his eating and I recently spoke to a friend who is an OT. I will have to follow up with her to seen what she thinks.

Dolly, I totally agree about moving him out of my room. I keep delaying it because I know it's going to be a huge struggle, and he's been on and off under the weather recently so I'm waiting it out. It definitely has to be done though. Also, he does behave much better with my dh, so you might be onto something there.

Chani8, what you wrote is EXACTLY how he is! So independent and aggressive, but also loves to be babied and given a lot of affection. I try to give him a lot of compliments and positive reinforcement, and it works well some of the time, but when he's in an aggressive mood, it seems there's nothing I could do about it and it's hard for me to get him under control. I have a very hard time balancing how to react to these two very different sides to him- how do I implement consistent rules, and at the same time allow him to have his independence?

Thanks again everyone, you all definitely gave me what to think about!

musicmom

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 12:41 pm

First of all, they are called the terrible two's for a reason, although it seems every child reaches this point at a different time. Secondly, maybe you could use puppets to create stories with morals and to role play the specific things you are concerned with. I know it seems terrible when even the teacher at school is concerned, but you will get through this. Good luck!

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Nov 22 2014, 6:57 pm

Have his father put him to bed in his own room or place and stay with him a bit. Have a nightlight and a bear.

While that's going on, after giving him one warm kiss, you yourself put on your coat and take a walk. Come back in forty minutes. Or call your husband on your cell and check if he is still crying. Don't come back until he is asleep.

If that's not possible, put on your expensive headphones and listen to music.

One thing he's going on about is his need for boundaries. Meaning, his own bed. It means nothing that it takes adjusting to. Just because something needs adjusting to, does not mean it is not what you need.

I would say you have no time to waste, none at all. I don't care if he has a cold.

After a week of having his own sleeping place his teacher will tell you he is easier in school. Not an angel, but a bit easier.

A man who adores his mother but has a nice respectful distance with her is a very happy man. Such a woman has tremendous authority and influence over such a son, exactly because she uses it so seldom.

Every now and then you have to tell a son, No, you can't join the Tasmanian navy and no, you can't marry the queen of the Evlirdidians.

You will have that authority because you built it up over the years. You didn't waste your authority on little stuff, and you respected his boundaries. You had no comment in lots of situations. Because he had to work them out for himself.

But someday you may need your authority. As his Mother with a capital M.

You won't get it this way.

At the moment you are just a pillow. Tough guys like him don't take orders from pillows. For them, pillows are just soft things that are convenient when you want something soft.

Any reluctance to giving up this sleeping arrangement is coming from inside you. Please examine that on its own terms: it is yours, own it. It's not good for him. A good mom, and you are one, does what's good for the kid even if it is no fun for her, herself. She puts the kid first.

chani8

Sun, Nov 23 2014, 4:17 am

The aggression is hard. Just don't take it personally. I think this type can get a little broody or intense. When that happens, try humor or some way to lighten the mood. Make direct eye contact and smile at him, wave at him, do something silly, to draw him out of his warrior zone.

When he's older, you'll get a kick out of this when he can actually tell you what he's thinking at that time. My Alpha admits to imagining a whole war going on in his head. That's why it's rather important that you convince your child that you're on his side, on his team! And even better when he is clear that you and his father are Commanders over him.