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2nd marriage
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 1:54 pm
Not sure which forum to put this in........

If you were getting married the 2nd time, how would you have your wedding.
Either just a small chuppah with the closest ppl and # of rabbis and witnesses needed, absolute minimum, with a party for all friends etc at a later time (lets say during the next month), at a restaurant, party place or whatever.

or a "regular" wedding with all your guests at one place and chuppah and party same day

thanks for advice
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Heyaaa




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 1:59 pm
The small one. I probably wouldn't have a party later for anyone.
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happybeingamom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 2:06 pm
What do the couple want, that is what they should do.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 2:23 pm
I'd have a prince riding up on a white horse & swooping me off my feet ... and I'll be wearing a green dress of course
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 3:04 pm
so, a neighbor of mine had been divorced, and decided when she got married again, she wanted a smaller wedding, but she had a bigger/regular wedding bc it was her husband's first wedding.... it depends on the couple, what point in life they are at, and what they expect, and want.

I to am divorced, and there are a lot of things I would want to do differently, from my first wedding, but if my chussan will had something different in mind, I'd talk with him and come to a compromise.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 3:10 pm
singleagain wrote:
so, a neighbor of mine had been divorced, and decided when she got married again, she wanted a smaller wedding, but she had a bigger/regular wedding bc it was her husband's first wedding.... it depends on the couple, what point in life they are at, and what they expect, and want.

I to am divorced, and there are a lot of things I would want to do differently, from my first wedding, but if my chussan will had something different in mind, I'd talk with him and come to a compromise.


This is what happened to me.

It was my second wedding and my dh's first. But we still didn't go all out. We had a very reasonable wedding, with just a bottle of wine on each on the men's tables and a small bouquet of flowers as centerpieces.

Since we are both older, we both realize that it's a waste of money.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 3:12 pm
amother wrote:
This is what happened to me.

It was my second wedding and my dh's first. But we still didn't go all out. We had a very reasonable wedding, with just a bottle of wine on each on the men's tables and a small bouquet of flowers as centerpieces.

Since we are both older, we both realize that it's a waste of money.


did the women drink the flowers - or were they left to flirt with the men for some wine Wink
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 3:27 pm
amother wrote:
This is what happened to me.

It was my second wedding and my dh's first. But we still didn't go all out. We had a very reasonable wedding, with just a bottle of wine on each on the men's tables and a small bouquet of flowers as centerpieces.

Since we are both older, we both realize that it's a waste of money.


I'm young and is think weddings are a waste of money. Before I got married I already thought it was a waste of money. I think the only thing that should matter is that everyone is happy and that the atmosphere is holy. I don't get the point in the rest of it.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 4:21 pm
My 2nd wedding was also my dh's 2nd.
We had a very small wedding in a local shul with a simcha hall attached.
Only closest family and a handful of friends each.
Some silk flowers from a gmach as centerpieces, no professional photographer but plenty of friends taking pictures, I wore an off-white suit (really beautiful). Fantastic music, great dancing and tasty food.
And three children between us.

I had a blast.
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busymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 4:30 pm
amother wrote:
My 2nd wedding was also my dh's 2nd.
We had a very small wedding in a local shul with a simcha hall attached.
Only closest family and a handful of friends each.
Some silk flowers from a gmach as centerpieces, no professional photographer but plenty of friends taking pictures, I wore an off-white suit (really beautiful). Fantastic music, great dancing and tasty food.
And three children between us.

I had a blast.


Sounds like the wedding of a dear friend. Also second marriage for her and her dh, in a small hall, typically used for bar mitzvas, sheva brochos, etc. It was the FUNNEST chasunah I ever attended. Everyone there was either close family or close friend of the chassan or kallah, and we were all so thrilled for them to have found each other after all they'd been through. The happiness in that hall was palpable and yes, the dancing was incredible! Smile

So op, why do two events? However big or small an affair you want, do it together with the chuppah.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 5:49 pm
amother wrote:
My 2nd wedding was also my dh's 2nd.
We had a very small wedding in a local shul with a simcha hall attached.
Only closest family and a handful of friends each.
Some silk flowers from a gmach as centerpieces, no professional photographer but plenty of friends taking pictures, I wore an off-white suit (really beautiful). Fantastic music, great dancing and tasty food.
And three children between us.

I had a blast.


My second wedding was basicly the same. Except our children were not there.
By the meal was only immediate family and very close friends. By dancing more cousins and classmates came.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 5:52 pm
I'm divorced and not yet ready to get married, but if I would be getting married again today I would have a chuppa with the bare bare minimum followed by a sueda. I would not want any dancing. I would not want more than 10-15 guests Max, so I guess a lot of my extended family would not be there. I would maybe end up hosting our extended family and acquaintances for a chanukah party or something, even if it meant a few hundred people in my house or at a hall just to make up for not allowing them to join in the simcha. Really, I would love to get married Friday afternoon that would be just marvelous.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 10:01 pm
If I ever get married again, (I'm widowed), I would make a very small affair, more like a sheva brochos. I would definitely want to invite my children. Why not?? they are my closest relatives!
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:48 am
All hypothetical of course:

If it were me, I'd definitely do something smaller, because of the expenses (I doubt my parents would chip in much for a 2nd wedding). I have kids, and the hypothetical chattan might too, so we would do something nice but simple.

I'd still want dancing because to me that's the best part of a wedding.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:52 am
Out posek who was also a therapist (a real LCSW, not a "therapist") said kids cant come to their parents weddings - not chuppah nor celebration. He sighted various halachic sources as well as mental health concerns.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:57 am
amother wrote:
If I ever get married again, (I'm widowed), I would make a very small affair, more like a sheva brochos. I would definitely want to invite my children. Why not?? they are my closest relatives!


Some people have the minhag that children don't go to a parent's chuppah.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 10:02 am
This is my second marriage.

We had it nearly quiet. The chuppah was right before the dinner, there were like 40 people present, only close friends and relatives. No invitations, but a bit of dancing anyway. A pleasant chamber atmosphere. Everything from the chuppah to the end lasted about 3.5 hours.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 10:13 am
watergirl wrote:
Out posek who was also a therapist (a real LCSW, not a "therapist") said kids cant come to their parents weddings - not chuppah nor celebration. He sighted various halachic sources as well as mental health concerns.


Mental health issues? I would think those would arise if the child were NOT present. "Yossele, Surele, your ima is getting married, creating a new relationship and a new family for yourself. I know you're worried that you won't be a part of her new life, and guess what? She's starting it without you there! And since your grandparents and aunts and uncles and all of her friends will be there, she's getting a stranger to watch you. Hope you don't have too many nightmares."

In any case, clearly the opinion isn't universal. We've attended second marriages where the kids were an important part of the celebration.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 10:23 am
Barbara, a friend of mine told me that attending her father's wedding (because he wanted her there) was one of the hardest things she's ever done.

Maybe it depends on their age/stage....she was married with a family of her own.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 10:33 am
Barbara wrote:
Mental health issues? I would think those would arise if the child were NOT present. "Yossele, Surele, your ima is getting married, creating a new relationship and a new family for yourself. I know you're worried that you won't be a part of her new life, and guess what? She's starting it without you there! And since your grandparents and aunts and uncles and all of her friends will be there, she's getting a stranger to watch you. Hope you don't have too many nightmares."

In any case, clearly the opinion isn't universal. We've attended second marriages where the kids were an important part of the celebration.


Ultimately, it should be the child's choice. But the minhag exists for a reason. My mother remarried when I was 10. I didn't want to go, but was forced to attend. To this day, I harbor resentment about it. No, I don't have issues with my mother and stepfather, in fact, I have a wonderful relationship with them. And I had a wonderful relationship with my mother back then too (it took me awhile to warm up to him). But it was a very painful event that I'd have rather not been forced to be a part of. It also meant that I had to attend my father's wedding. By then, I knew about the minhag, and also would have preferred not to go (though it wasn't as bad, as I'd already been through it once), but it would have been hurtful to not go when I had gone to my mom's, so I didn't really have a choice there too.
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