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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Tell DD about MIL's illness



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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 3:02 pm
My MIL is battling cancer (3rd reoccurrence in 12 years) . The kids know she's "sick"- we don't visit if any of them have the sniffles, gentle hugs, no jumoing on or at her. She's been going downhill*- no appetit, tired, in pain and now because of other issues, they're stopping the chemo. My oldest is in 3rd grade. I don't know if I should tell her how serious Savta's situation is. She's very sensitive and a worrier- and we're in Israel so the past few months have given her plenty to be nervous about Crying



* please daven for Dalia bat Chaya
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 4:07 pm
In one word- caution.
This is a terrible thing for everyone but especially for a child... I would seek advice from a proffesional.
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 5:45 pm
www.rofehcholim.org might have some resources on how to talk to kids about this situation.
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SYA




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 6:40 pm
My "baby" sister just turned 5 when my grandfather passed away. Knowing that due to other health conditions they had to stop chemo my mom flew with my sister to see him for a Shabbos when he was home and resting so at least she wouldn't be shocked if he wouldn't survive the cancer. She did not say the full severity but did mention how he was very sick. A month later when my zeide passed on, it did not come as a great surprise.

I snapped a number of photos of the two of them. Now, over 13 years later - those pictures are cherished. I held onto them and recently gave them to her. And the memory of that last visit is something that she holds onto.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 7:08 pm
My grandfather died when I was about 10, I knew he was sick but nobody ever explained how sick he was or that he might die. I didn't know anybody that had died, it never occurred to me that sick = might die. It was a terrible shock and I always wished I had known before hand that he might die.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 24 2014, 8:02 pm
My fil passed a few years ago and while most of us were involved, there was 1 sibling who wasn't and never told his kids what was happening because he didn't want to traumatized them. My kids (oldest 11, youngest 2) knew just about everything. Grandpa was very sick, abba took him to dr visits, dropped everything to run over if needed. They sometimes went days without seeing their father because he had to be with grandpa and when he was finally put in a hospital at the end my 2 oldest visited with him- even when he was not coherent and out of it. We explained what was happening and they asked to see and sit with him. I was very worried it was too much but they wanted it and I felt it was important to give it to them. The outcome is that my kids were much more emotional at the levaya and felt the loss much more than the other cousins but they remember grandpa much more now and were involved in the shiva instead of running and playing since they didn't fully understand what was happening. They also understand life and death because they went through it. Surprisingly it did not cause them to be worriers which I thought it might.

I would do it the same way if ch"v we had to do it over. Kids can sense thing anyway and they know more than you think.
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2gether




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 11:40 am
absolutely, but underplay it and be open to answer questions honestly.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 12:49 pm
OP here- I realized part of the problem is that every time I think about it, I burst into tears. Obviously it's normal to be sad but I can't talk to her while bawling. Anyway it's MIL birthday in a few days. I decided to wait until after the birthday get-together
The doctors have said that at most optimistically, it's just a few weeks
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skirtznsox




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 4:04 pm
amother wrote:
My oldest is in 3rd grade.


This right here answers the question for me. I was in second grade when my grandmother died from cancer. I'm the eldest grandchild, the rest not old enough to understand any of it. My mom explained the seriousness of it to me in age-appropriate terms from about kindergarten on--before that, I just knew she was sick. I was (according to the adults in my life) a pretty precocious child, so I'm not sure if this would apply across the board, but you said that yours is sensitive. I was allowed to do research about what her form of cancer was, and told I could pray for her and write her cards, but that she might never get better and that it's a bad disease that you can't catch just from being around her, but her treatment makes it easier for her to catch anything from you. It helped me be prepared to understand what was happening. Also, possibly involving her in any walks for cancer research or other chesed organizations that she can be active in may help, I know that helped me to cope as well at that age.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 5:00 pm
If you can't talk about it without crying, then please have their father or another relative have this talk. Your feelings are normal but what the kids need is a calm adult to explain this to them.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Dec 02 2014, 1:22 pm
DH and I told her together. Talked about how it's normal to be sad and that we'll miss her but we believe that what Hashem is doing is for the best. Talked about olam haba and that schar for all the mitzvot Savta's done is waiting.
She cried and hugges us but didn't really say anything or have any questions. Is that normal?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 02 2014, 9:31 pm
Sounds normal, especially since this is news, big news and she didn't have time to process it yet. Make sure she knows it's not an open-and-closed conversation and if she ever wants to talk more about it or ask questions in the future you'll be there for her.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Dec 02 2014, 10:19 pm
seeker wrote:
Sounds normal, especially since this is news, big news and she didn't have time to process it yet. Make sure she knows it's not an open-and-closed conversation and if she ever wants to talk more about it or ask questions in the future you'll be there for her.


Definitley! I told her teacher too in case she wants to talk to her or even if she gets a bit weepy in class suddenly so the teacher knows whats going on
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