Smart Moms Please Advise How to deal with a fearful child?

cbsp

Sat, Nov 29 2014, 9:22 pm

This won't necessarily solve the problem but it may give you an opening for a conversation:

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"Yael Worries No More"
Book plus read-along musical CD
4th of the Yael Book/read along musical Cd series
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It's $16.99, my 5yo DD is enjoying it so far.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Nov 29 2014, 11:10 pm

Have her draw a lot. She will learn she can control imagery. SHE is doing the drawing. She can draw anything and then kill it. Cross it out. That's power.

Give her a large number of sweet looking stuffed animals. She will make up dramas about them. This will also confer mastery and control on her: SHE is writing the script.

Have her father have her on his lap a lot.

Maybe when he is reading. He should take walks with her. This will show her that she is moving in the outside world with a large protector. Yes, it's a stronger experience with the father than the mother.

In fact, have all three of you take walks. She needs to see her father protecting her mother, also. She needs to see her mother walking under the protection of her father.

Take notice if you yourself express fear.

Of anything, being fired, current events, anything at all. If you do, don't. At least not when she can hear. Meaning, express these things only when you are in a different building than she is in. They hear, they hear.

Make sure nobody is picking on her in school, whether staff or students.

If you have overbearing or critical relatives, don't let them come around for a while. Phone a lot, but say not to come; we all have dreadful, sneezy, colds.

the world's best mom

Sun, Nov 30 2014, 8:33 am

Never criticize her for being scared. She's not acting like a baby, she doesn't have to grow up already... She's acting like any child will act when they are scared of something.

Tell her you understand her fears. It's okay to be scared of things- everybody is scared of things sometimes. But when we are scared of things that aren't really that scary, there are ways to help ourselves overcome the fears so we can enjoy life.

Reassure her that you will be with her, holding her hand through it all.

After a few days of reassurance, take something she's scared of and begin exposing her to it. Put her on your lap and turn on a CD that she is afraid of- choose wisely though- make sure there is nothing remotely scary or sad on it. Listen to one minute of it the first few days. Then raise it to two minutes. Every day, only once a day, you will turn on that CD with her on your lap reassuring her that it's okay and you are there to help her if it somehow turns scary.

Then, ask her about what she has heard. Was it scary? Was it a nice story? Who were the characters? Was there any reason to be scared of any of them? Were there any she liked?

Slowly raise the amount of time the CD stays on for until she is happy to listen to all of it.

octopus

Sun, Nov 30 2014, 11:31 am

amother wrote:

op here

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

I also forgot to mention that she hates to hear of people who died. It triggers a fear in her. When she tells me that she is afraid of dying, what do I tell her?

She is six years old. Why are you telling her ppl died? (unless I guess it is a close relative).
In any case, if it was a specific fear, you can act out the scenario using puppets and have her problem solve the situation. Or the puppet scenario can be that the puppets really enjoyed doing xyz despite being scared at first. Do this every day or almost every day. I have done this with younger children not with six year olds. so not sure if it would work for that age bracket.

amother

Sun, Nov 30 2014, 11:40 am

octopus wrote:

Of course I try to avoid informing her at all costs. But what if a grandmother died? It's just not possible to hide it.

the world's best mom

Sun, Nov 30 2014, 12:04 pm

amother wrote:

I've been through this issue with my son who developed a fear of dying after my brother was Niftar. It took a lot of explaining that Uncle Chaim Dovid is not in pain, he is happy and learning Torah with Hashem in Shamayim. I also explained that most people live to be around 100, so we don't have to worry that the rest of us will die any time soon. We will concentrate on living to be old. We went to an aunt's 99th birthday recently, which was nice- I explained that she will be 100 next year and we hope to live as long as her or nearly that long anyway.

Scrabble123

Sun, Nov 30 2014, 12:45 pm

amother wrote:

I appreciate it! Thanks

It's important to develop the child's sense of securities in other areas. For example, if the child is a good dancer, show her how well she learns new steps. Let her know how she able to do things that seem even a little hard. Build up her confidence in areas that she is competent in.

Here is a story of my friend's daughter who I was very involved with (I'm divorced and do not have children of my own). She was allergic to dairy and often had anxiety about drinking milk instead of rice dream. Her cousins would always tell her. "Eh... no, Rivky, you didn't drink milk, I saw it and it was Rice Dream"(For anxious children, speaking in this manner is a big no no because it just focuses on the fear over and over again without provide any source of security). I always tried something else that a therapist taught me (both with regards to myself and to other children with anxiety and phobias), and I always saw some kinds of results. So first I would tell the child, "Rivky, can you tell me some of the people who love you very much." She would list some people, Hashem, and my name after which I would ask her, "When you love some very much, do you take care of them?" She would agree. I would then tell her, "Rivky, you are so safe. You are so loved. All of these people are taking such good care of you. They are taking care of you so you don't need to worry about anything. You are so talented, you are so smart, and you are so loved. We're all here watching you, making sure you are safe and only do things that are safe and good. If CH'V you ever feel unsafe or do something unsafe, we're here to comfort you and take care of you. We're always going to take the best care of you because we love you. Let's go on a walk." I would then just remove her from the milk situation and she would forget about it entirely. If I wouldn't have done that she would have continued on with the fear and anxiety for much much longer. The safe, secure feelings enter inside of the child and stay there for when she'll need them later. This girl was 5 at the time.

Another thing is that you're not supposed to "break through" a fear while the child is having it. If you see that the child is ready and responsive, (ONLY WHEN THEY ARE SHOWING THAT THEY ARE READY), you may discuss with them the importance of certain things. So let's say your child is afraid of an airplane. You can discuss with them how airplanes let them go to visit Grandma and how many people fly. Don't wait until the trip to introduce the airplane. That is not going to do any good in the long. Maybe you'll manage that second, but it's a superficial type of managing, and not a long lasting one.

Good Luck. BTW I ended up doing this on my ipad anyways, so I hope that the message got across nonetheless.