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Please help - bossy 6-year-old



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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 12:19 pm
Hi everyone, I'm hoping for some insight from you wise women.

My 6-year-old DS is incredibly bossy. Now I know that it's normal to an extent - he's the oldest and was the only for a while - but I think it's getting out of hand. He is constantly looking at everyone else to see if they're abiding by his "rules" (G-d only knows what goes on in his head) and he tattles terribly. He is constantly telling everyone else what to do.

Examples: he has a crazy fixation on the amount of gas in the car (I.e. "Ima, we're running low on gas. When are we getting gas? Are we going to run out of gas?" when there's plenty of gas and we have NEVER run out); he is constantly tattling on his little brother ("He's playing with this toy! He's going to eat it! He swallowed something!" and not just in potentially dangerous situations, and when I am right there watching).

Now his teacher says that he always looks around to see people's belongings on the floor, then picks them up and turns them in to the lost-and-found, even when the kid is telling him that it's his (and, mind you, he doesn't take the greatest care of his own stuff). I've given up playing Legos with him because he spends the whole time telling me how to play and which truck I can get.

I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that he is not in charge of the baby, that I am watching him and know what he (the baby) is doing; I can spend an entire playdate telling him to stop bossing around the other kid. His teacher says she's talked to him about it and he's still doing it, and it bothers the other kids (obviously). I don't want him to become a social pariah - I had a classmate who was like this (also, incidentally, an oldest) and I hated playing with her. He can be a little clueless and immature socially (he's one of the youngest in the class) and I think this plays a big part in it.

How can I help him? Any and all advice is much appreciated.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:04 pm
Anyone?
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:24 pm
From the way you describe things, it sounds like his "bossiness" stems from anxiety. Would you describe him as an anxious, worried child?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:36 pm
5*Mom wrote:
From the way you describe things, it sounds like his "bossiness" stems from anxiety. Would you describe him as an anxious, worried child?


No, not at all. He's confident, no anxiety at all b"H. I can see why you'd say that with the examples I gave - but he's really not. I find it to be more of a control thing and a know-it-all-ness (he is a BIG know-it-all).

Like he tells me when the baby is taking laundry out of the laundry basket - not because he's worried about it, but because he feels it's his duty to be in charge of everyone. We used to call him Eyewitness News Very Happy because he observes everything and just HAS to tell.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:40 pm
amother wrote:
No, not at all. He's confident, no anxiety at all b"H.

IDK, worrying that the car will run out of gas, worrying that the baby will swallow a toy, compulsively bringing dropped items to the lost and found, etc. sounds to me like he is trying to control situations that are causing him anxiety.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:50 pm
Hmm, I never thought about it that way. The car running out of gas is no longer an issue, it's been a long time since he commented on it last, but he was fixated on it for a while. Maybe because he knows people who have run out, but we never have. The baby swallowing a toy is probably because he sees me get a little nervous when he puts things in his mouth. But the lost-and-found thing is more about making sure others abide by the rules and regulations. It's definitely a control thing, but I don't know about anxiety. Wouldn't it manifest in other ways too? I'd never thought of him as a nervous child.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:55 pm
amother wrote:
Hmm, I never thought about it that way. The car running out of gas is no longer an issue, it's been a long time since he commented on it last, but he was fixated on it for a while. Maybe because he knows people who have run out, but we never have. The baby swallowing a toy is probably because he sees me get a little nervous when he puts things in his mouth.

Yes, but it's interesting that there is a common denominator in the examples that you gave.

amother wrote:
But the lost-and-found thing is more about making sure others abide by the rules and regulations. It's definitely a control thing, but I don't know about anxiety. Wouldn't it manifest in other ways too? I'd never thought of him as a nervous child.

I would step back from any assumptions or interpretations and take some time to just observe. Maybe write things down for a week or two and see if you see a pattern. Don't be so quick to label him as *bossy* or *controlling* just yet.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:59 pm
That's an interesting perspective. I will try that. Thank you!

Has anyone else dealt with a similar child?
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