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Do I have to tell the boys side how many ppl I am inviting?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 5:28 pm
LOL! I always thought the "L" stood for "limousine", and was clueless as to why you were all saying more guests would consume more of it LOL
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 6:02 pm
It was my understanding that with families who split the wedding costs this way, they invited the majority of guests. Several times we were not invited to our friends sons weddings, since they were only allowed to invite a limited amount of guests, since the brides side were hosting the event.

But if the other side thinks now that you are splitting the guests 50/50 they may be puzzled or upset to come and find a lot more of your side. I think it would be nice to tell them that you are inviting more people. But, unless you are ok with them increasing their guest list at your expense, you need to make it clear that you are unable to cover extra guests from their side but they are welcome to cover the costs.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 27 2014, 6:18 pm
My il's paid for most of my wedding because my parents couldn't afford much. My Mil asked -yes asked- my mother for her approval for all of the decisions even though my mother was barely contributing. Likewise, My mother was a mentch too, and just agreed with whatever my Mil had suggested even though I knew certain things were not to her preference. Its nice for the chosson and kallah when their parents are mature and prioritize shalom.
So I recommend giving them a call, and asking them how they feel about your inviting another 100 people. There are ways to phrase it to convey how important it is to you but still allowing them to feel part of the decision making process. Do not surprise them, even if you are paying the larger portion of the bill, they are supplying the chosson and will be a big part of your dd's life. I don't think you can go wrong if your intention is to make sure that they are as happy with the arrangements as you are.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 28 2014, 8:27 am
Do people really do limousine? shock

That said, I'm still confused as to why FLOP is liked.

Had we been asked to deal with liquor or photography we would have been absolutely clueless - while on the other side my husband had friends who knew about liquor and he knew well about photographers. And even if he chose it, then it would have been way awkward for us to pay it all without knowing if it's a faire price or we get ripped off because davka they're not paying. Just a random example. 50% allows more flexibility and less stress. I dislike one size fit alls FLOP types.
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 28 2014, 2:29 pm
Ruchel wrote:
Do people really do limousine? shock

That said, I'm still confused as to why FLOP is liked.

Had we been asked to deal with liquor or photography we would have been absolutely clueless - while on the other side my husband had friends who knew about liquor and he knew well about photographers. And even if he chose it, then it would have been way awkward for us to pay it all without knowing if it's a faire price or we get ripped off because davka they're not paying. Just a random example. 50% allows more flexibility and less stress. I dislike one size fit alls FLOP types.


I think one benefit of FLOP is that each side can make unilateral decisions. I guess that could be a drawback too, depending on how you look at things.
but some people are control freaks, so imagine if the two mothers cant agree on flowers. or menu. or playlist for the orchestra. or how many photographers. etc etc.

personally, *I* think the best way is to give the chosson and kallah a budget, each set of parents contribute what they can. then let the 'kids' plan the wedding. parents should be available for guidance if needed. the couple can also plan something very simple and use extra money to set up their apartment or save for down payment or honeymoon or whatever.
but ask me again when I'm in the parsha Smile
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 29 2014, 2:44 pm
I don't get the whole FLOP thing and would never agree to it. I think 50/50 is only fair (unless one side has considerably more guests, which they cover). But anyway, that's just an aside......

Even though it seems the groom's side is paying considerably less, it's still their party. I think it would be a very bad idea to invite a bunch more guests without telling them. It changes the whole atmosphere of the party, the whole balance. Even if it doesn't mean they will be spending more, it might be that they will be upset at the change.

I don't think you need to 'ask' them, but you do need to inform them. And if they want more guests too....I think it's only fair for them to cover. But again, FLOP is way beyond me.....
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busydev




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 9:28 am
Tablepoetry wrote:
I don't get the whole FLOP thing and would never agree to it. I think 50/50 is only fair (unless one side has considerably more guests, which they cover). But anyway, that's just an aside......

Even though it seems the groom's side is paying considerably less, it's still their party. I think it would be a very bad idea to invite a bunch more guests without telling them. It changes the whole atmosphere of the party, the whole balance. Even if it doesn't mean they will be spending more, it might be that they will be upset at the change.

I don't think you need to 'ask' them, but you do need to inform them. And if they want more guests too....I think it's only fair for them to cover. But again, FLOP is way beyond me.....


I think officially/originally FLOP was more of a 50/50 split. Esp when you add in all the jewelry "required" and usually paid for by the parents. then people started using fake flowers and not having little or no wine, and one man bands. But then again the required jewelry got more expensive. (nowdays its diamond tennis bracelets, my SIL married 15 years got a nice gold bracelet, and not to many years before there there were no bracelets....)
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 11:55 am
By my wedding, my mother decided to invite more guests than agreed upon and didn't tell my in laws. They live 45 minutes away, so my mother was like, who will come anyway? My MIL was so upset at wedding as she couldn't invite as many people as she wanted to and she felt like she was a stranger at the wedding as most of guests were not hers. I still hear about it, I think my mother was wrong in this case, upfront honesty to me sounds best.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 4:17 pm
Tennis bracelets make you look 15 years older :/
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 4:21 pm
Ruchel wrote:
Tennis bracelets make you look 15 years older :/


What I see lots of young people wearing them.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 4:37 pm
MaBelleVie wrote:
What I see lots of young people wearing them.


They also can wear uggs and shorts... doesn't mean anything LOL
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WaterWoman




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 5:13 pm
Definitely be up-front about it, please! For my wedding we had to guarantee 300 guests and we were shooting for about 350. When we put all four lists together (mine, my parents', my husband's and my in-laws'), there were over 500 people, many of them distant cousins from my in-laws' sides. I had a meltdown that bordered on a full-on tantrum, and my parents weren't too pleased either. I did NOT want such a huge wedding-I don't do crowds very well, especially when I'm the center of attention. I certainly didn't want it to be a huge crowd with a lot of people I didn't know.

B"H, everything worked out well. A lot of the excess people were "courtesy" invitees, and as many of them live very far away most of them declined to attend. We actually ended up with under 300 people, and I was really happy because my wedding felt much more intimate and personal. But if we'd all been communicating more openly, I probably would never have had that meltdown in the first place. Bottom line-you definitely don't want to get this relationship off on the wrong foot for your own sake, and certainly for the sake of your daughter and new son-in-law; they will feel it if the relationship between their parents is strained.

Mazal Tov on your upcoming simcha!
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 30 2014, 6:36 pm
Rutabaga wrote:
If they're paying for FLOP, then increasing the numbers will increase their expenses. The O and P will remain the same, but more guests will consume more L and more guests mean more tables with F centerpieces.

It's common courtesy to be upfront and honest with your mechutanim. Why start the relationship off with misrepresentations?


This.
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