THE PARENT-CHILD DANCE

Yael

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 3:22 pm

As seen in BINAH Magazine, and as heard on Nachum Segal radio (JMintheAM) and WCBS radio (Raising Our Kids with Pat Carroll.

SPECIAL TO IMAMOTHER.COM:

An Interview with pediatric behavior specialist, Miriam Manela, OTR/L, founder of Thrive Occupational Therapy and author of The Parent-Child Dance: A Guide to Help you Understand and Shape Your Child’s Behavior

Interviewer: Why did you write The Parent-Child Dance?

Miriam Manela: For over a decade I’ve been teaching therapists and teachers, as well as parents and kids in my private practice and workshops, effective techniques that offer real help for children’s behavioral issues. The feedback I’ve gotten has been very positive. I wanted more parents to have these techniques in their repertoire. I believe the best way to reach the most people putting this vital information together in a book, so it could be available to everyone.

What kinds of behavioral issues does your book address?

Over-sensitivity, irritability, anxiety or nervousness. Frequent angry outbursts or temper tantrums. Chutzpah, ignores you, talks back. Withdrawn or picky; finds certain smells, sounds, touch, or other sensations uncomfortable. Overly rough and rowdy behavior. Overly talkative or constantly chewing objects such as pencils, books, or Tzitzis. Social difficulties with peers and problems with teachers…

A lot of behavioral challenges, in other words.

Yes, and these are common behavioral issues, ones that occur in many families.
I wanted parents to be able to understand some underlying reasons for their child’s behavioral challenges in a new light, challenges that they may find difficult to cope with.

Isn’t behavior usually addressed by psychologists and social workers?

Yes and by other experts too. Although I don’t think we should ignore the psychological piece, (keep in mind that at least a third of OT training is in psychology), the sensory piece is often not explored and it is central to behavior.

My approach uncovers the sensory issues that make it really hard for kids to improve their behavior with the usual disciplinary techniques—even if psychological counseling is tried.

I’m a big believer in doing whatever is needed to help the child—that may include other approaches, and I work quite closely with counselors, nutritionists, teachers, MDs, and other pediatric experts.

Plus, I work closely with the biggest expert of all—parents!

In most sessions at Thrive, I work with parents and kids together. I wrote The Parent-Child Dance to enable parents and kids to have some of the benefits of these sessions—even if they can’t come see me in my office.

One reviewer, Anthony DeBenedet, MD, who’s the author of the bestseller, The Art of Roughhousing, said The Parent-Child Dance is “like having an occupational therapist living in your attic!” Your book is also is recommended by Dr. David Pelcovits (YU); Howard Glasser (The Nurtured Heart Approach); Nutritionist Kelly Dorfman (author of Cure Your Child with Food); Dr. Rachel Sarna, and many others.

Yes, and most important—it’s got great reviews from real moms!

How easy is this book for parents to use?

The Parent-Child Dance is written in simple, clear language—that was very important to me when I began this project. Each activity in the book contains step-by-step instructions, with beautiful illustrations by well-known Jerusalem-based illustrator Dena Ackerman.

(Actually, I’ve have had feedback that some children are reading my book, but I really wrote it for parents.)

What’s inside The Parent-Child Dance?

The introduction outlines the problems many parents and kids are facing today and how occupational therapy can help. The first chapter, about the stressed child, explains in very simple terms the sensory system and ways in which dysfunctions can cause problems.

For readers who want to get right to the nitty-gritty, in the next four chapters, I identify four very common behavioral categories. I give lists of terms that make it very easy for parents to recognize if their child has the behavioral traits of a category. Keeping in mind that each child is unique and no child belongs in a box, identifying a category of behavior is helpful insofar as it can help you choose the activities from the book that can help your child.

Of course, I don’t have the space to describe all the facets of these behavioral types—these are just brief overviews, below, of the four types.

The Child-on-the-Edge

The “Princess and the Pea” Child

The Heat-Seeking Missile

The Squeaky Wheel

Once a parent identifies the behavior category that their child’s behavior belongs to, they can then do the behavior-improving activities in that chapter. (Sometimes there is overlap and a child’s behavior falls into more than one category. If so, parents can use activities from more than one type.)

Many of the activities look like fun. And they have intriguing names, such as Pizza Massage, Hat Trick, Getting Out of Jail, Intensity Fix and more.

I’ve had a lot of feedback from many parents and kids—they really enjoy doing these activities! The activities use items found in most homes, such as puzzle pieces, sofa cushions, blankets, even chairs. Plus there are variations on each activity so readers can tailor them to their child’s specific preferences.

There’s also a chapter specifically for parents.

It’s called Taking Care of You and it’s written with mothers in mind. In it, I explain the importance of knowing and accepting yourself, focusing on your own parenting strengths—there is no room for shaming or blaming. It’s about laying the foundation for a stronger relationship with your child—and with yourself.

The rest of the book is very much focused on understanding your child and working with him or her to help them grow and live in the world. This chapter is my favorite in way, because parents, moms especially, find that their kids do better when they themselves are feeling stronger, happier, and more mindful.

Also, I want to mention that I set the price of the book very low (it retails for $12.95 but is on sale now at Amazon.com for about $11).

I really want this book to be easily available, affordable, and most of all, read and used.

Also, I give my email in the book because I want readers to know that I welcome your feedback and questions—you can reach me at Miriam at otthrive.com. All my contact information is available at otthrive.com.

Thanks, Miriam for taking the time to tell us about The Parent-Child Dance.

Thank you.

Does Your Child’s Behavior Challenge You?

Learn many of the same EASY, FUN, and EFFECTIVE techniques Miriam Manela, OTR/L has taught to HASC, Head-Start Programs, Yeshivas, public schools, and university graduate programs, and Moms like you. The Parent Child-Dance is available at Amazon.com, Eichlers Boro Park, Eichlers Flatbush, Z. Berman Passaic, and other fine booksellers.

Watch The Parent-Child Dance trailer (video).

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myday

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 7:25 pm

Great book even better to go to her. She really cares about children.

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 7:51 pm

I own this book and just lent it out to my OT sister to see what she says...

seeker

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 11:06 pm

I'm intrigued. But it's interesting to me that although my child is definitely sensory, she doesn't really fit ANY of the categories described.

Also, when listing the issues addressed (above), you mention chutzpah and back-talk. Then the book appears to be focused on sensory issues. Does it also include strategies for responding specifically to chutzpah/back-talk behaviors in kids with these additional issues?

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 9:15 am

It doesn't, at least that I easily found, and I was a bit disappointed. Instead, it's mainly OT exercises to try to reduce/eliminate the underlying reason why the kid may be behaving that way. E.g. there is one called "the intensity fix" to help relax a kid through pressure and breathing in the midst of anger (and other times as well).

I think I was misled by the title; to me the parent/child dance sounded like a dynamic issue and this would have ideas for the parent as well to step out of the dance, but it really was more a focus on getting the child to get aligned with himself.

Don't get me wrong, there are some fabulous ideas in there, and I did learn (chatterbox I never connected to oral stimulation seeking, but that rings extremely true for one of my children!) but it was a different focus than what I had thought.

I have tried various exercises with some of my children. I have always felt that even kids who don't technically need OT can benefit from some of this stuff, and I've tried incorporating things throughout my parenting, so I was happy to have more targeted suggestions for some of my kids who may be struggling in a specific area (even if they are not medically indicated for OT).

I would say that 80 exercises is really less -- it's including all variations on any specific one I think, so there isn't information overload to try to remember everything!

The diagrams are also good (and some of my kids rifled through it and looked at which pictures they wanted me to try out on them Wink

)

5*Mom

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 9:25 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

(chatterbox I never connected to oral stimulation seeking, but that rings extremely true for one of my children!)

HY, I cannot thank you enough for this light bulb moment!!!

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 9:28 am

Don't give me credit, all I did was read the book and connect it to mine, so I remembered it Wink

If your kid needs someone to speak to, I have one to offer!

seeker

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 9:58 am

So basically it's another book about sensory exercises? That's kind of disappointing, it was made to sound like something more. I'm sure there's always more to learn but I feel like I have enough of a grasp and plenty of ideas about sensory integration that I don't need to run out and buy another book about it. If I'd never read up on it before this book might be a great choice, perhaps an alternative to Out of Sync and others but having already read much of what's out already in addition to working with OTs it no longer sounds like such a chiddush. The description made me think there was more about relationship dynamics and emotional/communication strategies.

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:18 am

Yeah, me too.

hi its me

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:23 am

is this book good for a child that needs motor stimulation?

5*Mom

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:38 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Don't give me credit, all I did was read the book and connect it to mine, so I remembered it Wink

If your kid needs someone to speak to, I have one to offer!

Not now, she's chewing gum. Maybe later Wink

imamazing

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:39 am

for those that read this book,

is it beneficial for a child that is anxious ormildly explosive at times and and lives in his own world a bit, a generally happy kid but dealing with some social issues in school?

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:41 am

I think it has exercises that would help, yes. Will it be enough with no guidance? I can't say.

Shabboslover

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 12:01 pm

Seeker:

First, I want to disclose that I worked on The Parent-Child Dance with Miriam. (I also happen to be an Imamother member since 2012).

The Parent-Child Dance is really not about "sensory disorders" per se. Many mothers (and fathers) have used the book for kids with behavioral issues that were not necessarily diagnosed as a sensory disorder. It is about the dance (relationship) of parent and child, and also child and world, child and self, and very important, woman/mom and self. (Fathers, too.)

It contains some information from Miriam's parenting workshops, and some from her professional workshops too. It explains her approach which is much more holistic then most and involves the family and includes other therapies or approaches as needed. For example, a well-known pediatric nutritionist who has worked closely with Miriam wrote the foreword.

Key is an insightful chapter on self-acceptance and awareness for parents which walks you through the inner ways we think and feel about our kids, our selves, and our relationships.

The activities are not just stam activities. Central to the activities, and the book's whole approach, is bonding. Throughout, the topics of relationship dynamics as well as emotional and communication strategies are discussed since these are integral to Miriam's approach.

There are also a couple of parts written by (older) kids with sensory issues which explain how they feel and experience the world. Miriam really understands their perspective and she also really cares which is why she is such an effective therapist.

re: categories and chutzpah
Behavior that is back talk or chutzpah, can fall under more than one category because there can be a variety of factors. The book is obviously more in depth and has lists of terms to help parents identify the categories, but the categories are really used as guidelines, but you could also contact Miriam and ask her opinion. Go to her Thrive website and email her. (The link to her site is in the interview with her.) Maybe the topic is covered in one of her blog posts already.

Hatzlocha.

cbsp

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 12:46 pm

Thank you ShabbosLover for clarifying. My daughter sees "Morah Miriam" for more than "just" sensory issues, but those are addressed as well. She helps with behavior strategies (the chutzpah, the aggression, the unexplained meltdowns) and the at home exercises and follow through are critical.

I haven't received my copy of the book yet but I have seen the book and used some of the exercises relevant to my children (not just my daughter) . I found them very helpful and not just a repetition of what's found in other books.