Holding Child Back? Regrets? Best Idea?

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:17 am

I have a son whose birthday is 1.5 months before the cut off deadline.

I am debating having my child repeat 3yo playgroup next year (so he would be among the oldest in the class instead of the youngest) . His Morah thinks he is somewhat behind socially (not at all academically- he is VERY bright) caused by certain behavior issues that we hope to work on (SPD at this point). I spoke to another 2 playgroup/preschool teachers who also said they would say to keep him back.

Im just nervous about keeping him back and having him be totally bored and then causing even more trouble then he would otherwise.

I spoke to a LCSW yesterday and she says she wouldnt keep him back at this point. let him go to the 4 yo program and if they feel he needs to be kept back then decide then. She said she knows many people that regret holding their child back. She said many educators advocate keeping back, but esp since his social issues are caused by other issues and its not simply a needs a bit more time to mature situation (the issues are not going to go away without outside help which he hope to get), plus he is very bright she thinks it would not be a smart move.

So my question is for anyone who had a close to the deadline child and kept them back so they would be the oldest... DO you regret it now in retrospect? Or do you think it was the best thing you could have done?

saw50st8

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:31 am

My son is 2 weeks from the cutoff. The general adage is leave boys back, girls stay as placed.

My son is also a bit socially immature but very bright. We decided to put him in the grade placed correctly. I spoke to his teacher (very experienced) early on and said that by the time the first parent teacher conference rolls around, I would like to know if she thought he was appropriately placed. She said he absolutely was.

Right now he's flourishing. Personally, I would keep him at grade level unless it becomes apparent that it would be significantly better to leave him back.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:48 am

saw50st8 wrote:

thanks. in my city they dont start in official schools till 4yo. so the SW said better to send him to the school and if they feel he needs to be kept back then keep him back, but if we send him to a basement 3yo program again then hes stuck- even if by the end of next year he would do well in his grade, the schools wont let him skip.

ElTam

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:00 am

We spoke with several early childhood educators and our pediatrician before making this decision for my son. We held him back. He is not the oldest in his class, but among the oldest. He would be drowning if we had not held him back.

A boy with a late birthday, it wouldn't even be a question for me, unless he was remarkably advanced for his age. Especially with the difficulty level of most day schools and yeshivos. When he was in the playgroup, we didn't see that it was such an issue and thought, "Oh, maybe we made a mistake." One year later in pre-k, we absolutely know we did the right thing. An advanced child can always be pushed ahead later with no injury to self-esteem. Holding a kid back once they have started school is a trickier proposition when all their friends move ahead.

In your case, I would weight the advice of teachers of an LCSW who isn't in the classroom.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:49 am

Before the start of this year, we were debating whether to hold my daughter back a year. She was about to turn 3, and we didn't know if we should send her to gan shalosh (which is free), or keep her back another year in private gan and then start her in gan shalosh next year. Her birthday is like a month before the cut-off. She's very sensitive, and doesn't have a lot of self-confidence, and is a bit immature. We spoke to our rav, and my husband also spoke to a big mechanech, and everyone was in agreement that it's better to be among the oldest than among the youngest (though it's NOT an iron-clad rule, and for some kids the opposite might be best!). We decided to keep her back a year, and now we're a few months into it and I'm SO happy we made that decision. It was right for her! She needed this extra year.
If you feel your child needs it, I'd keep him back a year. He's still young, so this is the best time to do it. I have a friend who wanted to keep her daughter back for the same reasons I mentioned above but everyone was saying don't worry she'll be fine blah blah, and she ended up having to do gan chova over twice - which is a lot harder to do because she's old enough to realize that her friends are going on to kita alef without her.
Do what's best for your kid! If you feel he needs it, then I'd definitely do it.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:58 am

ElTam wrote:

but what about keeping him back in the schools 4yo preschool (Kindergarten) after hopefully a year plus of OT working on his issues and then evaluating if he needs to stay back? not once hes in 1st grade or higher.

The SW said there is a slim chance that they would let us advance him to Pre1A (5yo) coming from a basement 3yo playgroup even if he was ready for it. Its not always so easy to advance someone and much easier to leave them back. and in this case all his friends will go from 3 yo to school and he will be back in 3yo so same self esteem harming potential. I mean the 3yo programs and the 4yo programs are very similar academically (they do aleph bais again) just its usually a better program in the school then in a basement (better resources for instance) these are all reasons why she said to send and decide if he needs to repeat kindergarten near the end of kindergarten (talking a year and a half from now) esp if he will be getting help.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 12:11 pm

amother wrote:

I dont feel he needs it. truthfully I think his current morah is not a good match for him but there is nothing I can do about it now and that if she ran her class differently (a bit more structured) he would be doing better socially as well because he would be engaged and not have time to start roaming and causing trouble.

he is not very sensitive, has PLENTY of self confidence and his social issues are related to SPD- namely that he has a hard time keeping out of other ppls space and ends up knocking over their games (almost never done aggressively) and they dont want to play with him. he is def trainable and we have started working with him on concepts of boundaries, space and not touching ppl when they dont want to be touched. and we hope to get him OT as well. (I hope- we are get a referal for an evaluation but the dr thinks theres a good chance he wont be approved for insurance since its all behavioral so the insurance wont cover it till hes in a real classroom setting and its causing him trouble in 1st grade lets say)

he is not immature otherwise tho. and when not in school (at home with many neighbors in his grade level) he plays pretty well with other kids and I cant say he is socially ostracized or anything. most of the times other kids (also mostly older then him but within a year) like playing with him.

im worried that if we keep him back he will become harder next year cause once he KNOWS all the aleph beis and the ciriculum, etc he wont be mentally stimulated enough and even with working on him he will end up behaving worse. (bored= lets find something to do)

etky

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 12:34 pm

I voted other.
DD 19 was a December baby. She made the cut off by 2 weeks and would have been the youngest in her class so we decided to keep her in gan chova for another year. The educational staff agreed with our decision.
Initially it was a good decision b/c she was much more settled and ready for school when she started. She hadn't been quite ready a year earlier.
By about 5th grade though we realized that she was much more emotionally mature than her classmates and this proved to be somewhat socially problematic for a number of years.
Also, in her last years of HS she was a bit restless. We felt that she had 'outgrown' school but she was stuck there because she needed to finish her bagruyot. This was frustrating for her.
I can't say we definitely regret holding her back but just know that it's not always a clear cut advantage in the long run as there are many unforseen factors that can influence the outcome.

Iymnok

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 12:51 pm

amother wrote:

Judging by what you wrote here I would not hold him back. The morah seems to be handicapping him.