not invited | Imamother

SRS

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 2:41 pm

Like Fox, I also think it is impossible to be constructive when you are leaving out details. While I have not married off a kid yet, I find birthday parties burdensome enough and appearing at the wedding and maybe hosting one sheva brachos will be enough for me. I hope my kids will enjoy small sheva brachos with their friends and siblings and leave us out of nightly appearances that seem to be picking up steam.

Let yourself cool off before even deciding if you should address whatever elephant is in the room and also remember that marriage is about children leaving their parents and forming and independent life. The idea of both sets of parents at every sheva brachos followed by the "fight" for who gets yuntif seems to go against the idea of forming a new orbit around each other. Maybe they do need some space even after you "made their dreams come true" which I can't interpret well.

southernbubby

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 2:55 pm

While we are supposed to give benefit of the doubt wherever we can, there are times when someone really is trying to cause hurt feelings or cause distance in the relationship. It sounds as though the mechutanim as well as her child are aware that she expected to be invited. It sounds like they know that she was unhappy and that she was not simply enjoying a good rest with her own little private snack. To me, it sounds like she was never given to opportunity to accept or decline the invitation but that there was no reason that she would not have attended.

Situations like this often occur when the parents of the chosson or kallah are divorced and they invite one parent and because of that they cannot or will not invite the other.

I wonder what their reaction would have been if she had just shown up as though she had been invited all along.

Fox

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 3:09 pm

This is all too confusing to me, OP.

The initial post indicated that you hadn't been invited, but "they" wondered why you weren't there. That would seem to indicate to me that the new couple had assumed you would be invited.

Then you indicated that both the mechnutanim (who made the sheva brochos) and the new couple had together decided not to invite you. But then who were "they" who expected you to be there?

It's possible that you were grievously insulted; it's possible that you are finding insult where none was intended; or perhaps the truth is somewhere in between. The posts are too cryptic for any of us to do more than speculate.

southernbubby

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 3:16 pm

Fox wrote:

But Fox, wouldn't someone call to find out why she was not there if they were under the impression that she was coming? What if she had been chas v'sholem in an accident on the way?

southernbubby

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 3:25 pm

ok but she put it here with scant details for a reason.

Now we all know that in some situations involving shidduchim and marriages, that sometimes the mechutanim don't have much in common, are not from the same social circles, may have disagreed a lot while planning the wedding, and that sometimes the mechutanim want their new in-law child to be more involved with them then with their own parents. It sounds like it may be a clear cut reason and possibly OP knows the reason.

If she is looking for support, I would tell her that I would feel the same way that she does and I hope that she and the new couple will work on having a good relationship in the future.

ValleyMom

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 8:22 pm

I had sheva brachas where NOBODY was over the age of 26.

That is called a FRIENDS sheva bracha.

This summer we hosted a sheva bracha fro a friend of my sons.

I assumed it would mean nobody over the age of 23.

Turned out ALL the parents were included.

As well as their Rabbeim.

So much for a "friends" sheva bracha.

The one for us was literally OUR FRIENDS...

OP the only thing I can say is I TOTALLY understand that your feelings are hurt but remember some people just don't have good manners and class. At this point zip your lip and try your best to let it go- don't get the newlyweds know how disappointed you are. Feel free to vent anonymously here! We love you and support you but IRL let it go....

Butterfly

Wed, Dec 17 2014, 10:58 am

southernbubby wrote:

Southernbubby, liking your post wasn't enough. I so agree with everything you wrote!
Just wanted to add from my own prospective that it is not uncommon for mechutanim to engage in occasional disputes / disagreements especially during the engagement period of their children. Yet there is no excuse whatsoever for mechutanim to 'deliberately' cut one side off during the time of their own child's simcha even if they were at a point where they were in 'not speaking terms' It is still wrong and utterly rude!!

Sheva brachos is a 'continuation of the wedding' as the new couple are still called Chatan and Kallah during those seven days following their wedding. Mechutanim, parents of the couple are an important part of the deal!

I understand that in the circles where it's the norm to not be invited to an own childs sheva brachos, I.e. if catered for friends only or whatever else is accepted within those circles, there would and should be no heart feelings.

Within my circles though, it is customary that mechutanim join the sheva brachos of their children 'especially' when the mechutanim of the other side host it NO MATTER WHAT!!!
Presumably, same goes within OP's circles otherwise she wouldn't / couldn't have felt that hurt.

OP my heart goes out for you! I am so sorry for your hurt and most certainly validate every tear you shed that evening. Hug

May this horrible incident be a kapparah and the last of heartbreak and disappointments for your entire life and may peace and happiness accompany you and yours from hereon and forever bezr'H.

southernbubby

Wed, Dec 17 2014, 1:08 pm

Butterfly, in my circles it is also customary for the parents to be included in all the sheva brachas. In the case, however, where one side is from another city and the OOT parents have to travel back either to host some of the sheva brachas or because they can't be gone from home for so long, sometimes it is not possible for the parents to attend all of the sheva brachas. It is however, just as you say, a given that if possible both sets of parents are welcome to attend all of the sheva brachas, regardless of which side is hosting.

Thanks for liking my post Very Happy