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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

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imasinger

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 5:47 pm

Every year, there are posts from people who were disappointed, sad or upset on Purim, often with very good reason. Instead of worrying (or not) too much about MM and costumes, here are some more significant things worth thinking about and planning in advance:

1. Is your DH a Purim drinker? Do you deal with binge behavior that night, and/or for a while afterwards? Think ahead. Now, in Shevat, while he is still sober, drag him by the short hairs to a rav, AA meeting, marriage counselor. Make a plan with limits and consequences. Use Al-anon or other resources to help.

If you don't feel like you have enough power in your marriage to do this, then now, in Shevat, look for counseling for yourself, so you have more support and insight, come Purim, and beyond.

2. Are you lonely and feeling fragile? Tend to be insecure? Now, while it's Shevat, reach out to people who will care, and/or seek help. Don't let foolish pride lead to depression or worse. Tell a close friend or two/family member/therapist that you worry you won't get MM, or that you won't get half as much as you plan on giving. Develop a strategy; maybe you will do less, maybe you will ask the people closest to you to include a personal note to help you on a day you might be down.

If you obsess over whether your offering will be good enough, share that, too, so someone who cares can tell you that it is indeed very good. No, that doesn't make you a nebbach case. It makes you NOT one. It makes you smart.

3. Do you tend to put things off and then go crazy? Now, in Shevat, step away from the sewing machine, baking sheets, or hot glue gun and make arrangements with DH about when you will hear megilla, what help you will need from him and kids, what your schedule will look like.

4. Oh, and that thing about needing at least 2 brachos in MM? Not so. You can do an apple and an orange; or a hamentash and a cupcake.

To the 4 mitzvos we usually think of, add another element. The idea that you will walk away with more light, gladness, and joy than stress or sadness.

Please feel free to add your ideas about what else is worth planning ahead.

Chodesh tov!

amother

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 6:06 pm

Love your post.

The most stressful part of purim for me is getting to everyone on the list. That means the people we have to actually see, not just the dump and runs... any suggestions?

amother

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 7:19 pm

Oh how I wish we could eliminate having to go to teachers and Rebbes on Purim. We have grandparents, family, neighbors and friends that we must see on Purim and I am sure the teachers do too. We walk all over the neighborhood because we don't want to drive on Purim. We need to be on one end of the town before one and at the other before two. It's exhausting and pressurizing. I am sure the schools could figure out a way for our children to show their teachers their costumes. I am sure there is a way to show our teachers hakaras Hatov on another day. I am also sure the teachers would appreciate not having to be tied down their homes on Purim.

yo'ma

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 7:32 pm

Op, love your post. I b'h bla'h don't have any of those issues, but loved it just the same. The hardest part for me, is the atmosphere in my neighborhood on purim. It's nothing Sad

. I like being in ny for purim, but not happening.

greenfire

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 8:10 pm

what a great thought out thread Imasinger ... the things that matter foremost

to have a Happy Purim Plan Clown

[sorry I couldn't help the clown face]

miami85

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 8:29 pm

amother wrote:

Love your post.

The most stressful part of purim for me is getting to everyone on the list. That means the people we have to actually see, not just the dump and runs... any suggestions?

I'm not sure if this will help but usually the night after purim or if it's too late I'll do it the next day, I send everyone whom I didn't get to an email with pictures of our mishloach manos and costumes:

Purim's too short to give everyone,
But that doesn't mean you should miss out on the fun
So here are some pictures of our Purim day,
And hey! It means less calories this way.

Either I have REALLY special friends, or they just get it that you don't always get to everyone, haven't gotten a complaint yet.

Also I have a tendency to get out REALLY late Purim day to delivering, so by that time most people have come to me.

ROFL

Tue, Jan 20 2015, 11:46 pm

Can I add, now in Shevat look at the people you know- whom do you think will not get invited to a seuda, the divorcee, the widow, the elderly folks whose kids don't visit them. Invite those people to your seuda!
Are you alone , do you think you will be forgotten, reach out to someone , a rebitzen, another friend, don't leave it till the last minute plan ahead so that you will not be alone!
Happy Purim to all

DrMom

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 4:35 am

imasinger wrote:

1. Is your DH a Purim drinker? No. Yuck.

2. Are you lonely and feeling fragile? Tend to be insecure? No, I'm okay.

3. Do you tend to put things off and then go crazy? No, I'm pretty good at managing my time.

4. Oh, and that thing about needing at least 2 brachos in MM? Not so. You can do an apple and an orange; or a hamentash and a cupcake. Okay, good to know.

To the 4 mitzvos we usually think of, add another element. The idea that you will walk away with more light, gladness, and joy than stress or sadness.

Please feel free to add your ideas about what else is worth planning ahead.

Chodesh tov!

Thanks! Now can I get back to planning our costumes? Smile

MM here in Israel are pretty basic. No "themes" or other complications in my community.

Edited to add: I totally agree that it is more important to focus on the mitvot of Purim than to stress out over themes or Martha-Stewart-worthy costumes or complicated suedot. Purim should be FUN.

Sanguine

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 4:45 am

DrMom wrote:

MM here in Israel are pretty basic. No "themes" or other complications in my community.

I'm certainly not thinking Purim Rosh Chodesh Shvat (no themes here...), but I must admit that R"ch Shvat, I start my Pesach cleaning. Slowly, with a schedule. Can't wait for the Pesach threads to open Very Happy

Raisin

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 7:03 am

I thought you were going to say: make a list of all the lonely widowed or divorced or single people who would appreciate a MM. Or the young couple who have no relatives living nearby.

imasinger

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 10:17 am

I love the idea of including those in need in the early planning; and of the ideas about how to map your routes and plan your day.

I wrote this thread because I was thinking about threads from Purims past, where the situations I mentioned seem to come up on the board every year.

sky

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 10:48 am

We map our route in a advance and it makes a big difference. We plan for the busy areas early in the day so when we get there it isn't stressful. (sometimes the rebbe's schedule throws it off,but we can try)

We plan lunch and mincha to be home to make sure it is unrushed and pleasant and everyone eats normal (typically the healthy M'M we got).

I give my kids breakfast M'M when they get up so they eat something solid (even if it isn't super healthy).

I plan for an early Megilla reading for myself.

We plan an hour to visit some elderly family members at a good time for them.

We plan time to deliver M'M to the mashgiach on Purim, hopefully when they have hours and when it isn't crazy busy.

My dream purim is to light up the grill on my front porch and everyone who comes gets a hot dog and pickle and soda. but it isn't happening any time soon. (and because where I live is a high traffic congestion spot on Purim my DH always jokes we would end up feeding half of Lakewood)

boysrus

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 2:22 pm

When I read your thread title I thought it was going to be about writing a list of what to daven for on Purim!
That is alwasy one of my biggest lists, whether on paper or in my head.

We learn that on Purim, kol haposhet yad nosnim lo - whoever puts out hteir hand , give to him.
Some explain that in the same vein, Purim is an eis ratzon to daven, a time when we put out our hand to Hashem with our requests and He will answer us (hopefully).
I always take time to daven at least one amidah on Purim and do some really good davening at teh end of it, davening for everything my family needs, refuahs for eveyone I know who is sick, and daven for all my parents, siblings, niecws, nephews by name and with specific requests for each one.
Try it, it will be the most important list that you will make this Purim

Last edited by boysrus on Wed, Jan 21 2015, 11:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

greenfire

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 2:37 pm

boysrus wrote:

When I read your thread title I thought it was going to be about writing a list of what to daven for Purim!
That is alwasy one of my biggest lists, whether on paper or in my head.

We learn that on Purim, kol haposhet yad nosnim lo - whoever puts out hteir hand , give to him.
Some explain that in the same vein, Purim is an eis ratzon to daven, a time when we put out our hand to Hashem with our requests and He will answer us (hopefully).
I always take time to daven at least one amidah on Purim and do some really good davening at teh end of it, davening for everything my family needs, refuahs for eveyone I know who is sick, and daven for all my parents, siblings, niecws, nephews by name and with specific requests for each one.
Try it, it will be the most important list that you will make this Purim

very important Thumbs Up

greenfire

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 3:47 pm

Public Service Announcement:

just want to tell you a thing about lonely people - they do NOT want to be invited to be a nebbach charity case ... only invite them if you enjoy their company as humans and you actually want them there !!!

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