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What is Worse? A Secret Affair or Secret Apikorsus?
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Poll

Would you be less upset if you found out that your husband was secretly being mechallel shabbos or that he was cheating on you?
I would be more upset about chillul shabbos
 8%  [ 20 ]
I would be more upset about an affair
 91%  [ 216 ]
Total Votes : 236


amother






Post  Wed, Jan 08 2014, 10:11 pm
When my spouse was mechalel shabbos, I hated it, but just wanted him to get help for his issues. When he cheated, it was all over for us.
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japmom









  


Post  Tue, Jan 20 2015, 5:16 pm
Both would be very emotionally painful!! Please Hashem don't test me!!!!
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amother






Post  Tue, Jan 20 2015, 5:22 pm
Old thread but painfully relevant as ever.
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Emotional









  


Post  Tue, Jan 20 2015, 5:45 pm
japmom wrote:
Both would be very emotionally painful!! Please Hashem don't test me!!!!

One is painful because it's a personal rejection.
The other is a rejection of G-d.
I don't know which is worse. They're both awful.
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marina









  


Post  Thu, Jan 22 2015, 8:25 pm
amother wrote:
As many posters pointed out, they're intertwined. My ex husband always spoke about his doubts in religion etc but I didn't leave him until I learned he was cheating on me. For years.


Please try, even if it's hard, not to extrapolate from your personal unfortunate experiences to everyone in a particular group. Most OTD people aren't necessarily cheaters, just like most rabbis aren't necessarily bigots, despite my personal experiences.
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PinkFridge









  


Post  Thu, Jan 22 2015, 8:43 pm
I'm going to post having only voted and read the OP.
I'm not G-d's accountant, I won't say what's worse. But as terrible as apikorsus is, a person can still be quite moral. I would be concerned, I would want my husband to be in a place where he would feel healthiest, whatever that would take, wherever that would be. Secretly FBing on Shabbos is clearly not it. On an emotional level I wouldn't feel as betrayed, either.
OK, back to the last few pages, and probable editing Wink

Oh wait, old thread? OK, will read anyway.
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mommygmer









  


Post  Thu, Jan 22 2015, 8:51 pm
I'm Lucky my husband did not do anything like mechalal shabbos or eat traif before he told me.

But I would definitely say someone who cheats is much worse. someone who chooses not to tell there wife about there relationship with God is trying to do protect her becosue he loves her and is willing to live a frum life just to make her life easier. It is passable to live your whole life with out anyone knowing your an apicores. But cheating is just wrong. Not only are you saying you don't love your spouse your saying your self centered dishonest and are willing to risk hurting your wife emotionally and fiscally (std) for your selfish wants.

If someone does have an affair they have no right keep it to themselves. and protecting there spouse does not work here. the spouse has to have the ability to be able to say I want out.
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amother






Post  Thu, Jan 22 2015, 10:28 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
.
I'm not G-d's accountant, I won't say what's worse. .


This.
G-d can fight His own battles. OP used incorrect terminology, anyway. An apikores and a mechalel Shabbos are not the same thing. One can keep shabbos and be a complete apikores--today we call that being Orthoprax though that sounds like a person you go to when you injure your back. And you can absolutely believe in G-d and all and still be mechallel shabbos for reasons good or bad. Apikorsus is between him and G-d, and as long as he doesn't embarrass the family or try to persuade us to see things his way, what he believes is his business, not mine. Chilul shabbos is pretty much the same, so long as he doesn't do it in front of anyone--OP did say it was '"secret"--or create problems for us like switching off the lights we keep on all Shabbos, it's his business and his problem.

OTOH if he had an affair whose business would it be if not mine?
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