"How come you're only nice to us at school?"

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 1:40 pm

I work p/t in my kids' school and instruct each of their classes for one hour over the course of a week.

Last week on the way home from school my first grader asked me, "How come you're only nice to us at school?" Her sister quickly chimed in in agreement.

I was stunned by this comment, told them so, and started rattling off all the things I do for them...

She quickly corrected herself, "I meant you only TALK nicely to us in school. You take good care of us and do so many nice and fun things for us. But you only talk nice at school. At home you always yell."

They're not wrong. How is it that at school I can keep my cool with any sort of child in any situation but at home I am constantly allowing myself to jump to hysteria and scream at my kids?

I really have felt like crawling under a rock for the past week. Every day I resolve to work on this but I am getting nowhere. All I want is to be an excellent mother that my children love and trust. My own mother was explosive like I can be and it led to a situation where I loved her, but didn't particularly like or trust her. I don't want to go there with my kids.

How can I get control of myself so I can start to be a better parent?

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 2:00 pm

First of all, the fact that you recognize it is the first step! I also think that most mothers fall - nobody is a perfect mother all the time.

Have you read 'growing with my children' by sarah shapiro? I have reread that book a countless number of times. I don't yell that much but I definitely can get really annoyed with my kids. She basically had a major anger problem with her kids and she started going to these workshops and documented her progress in a journal, which ended up being a book.

She says the main thing is to always talk quietly, no matter what you're feeling inside. You can make a bigger impact by speaking (very) quietly versus in a loud voice. Also, she says you have to work on what is making you react the way you do. We react in a bad way because we feel like 'it shouldn't be this way' but who says it shouldn't? We have this assumption that everything has to go in a certain way and when it doesn't, we get upset. If something bothers us, and we say, 'it's not fair, he shouldn't be acting that way' - we should try to rephrase to something like, 'yes, it's really hard that he's acting that way, but I can tolerate it a little longer.' The more we tell ourselves we can't handle it, the harder it will be to handle!

I don't know if I was clear at all, I'm in a rush and just trying to type up everything I can remember! the book has a lot of good pointers, I would totally suggest you read it. I've been thinking myself of keeping a journal to find out what exactly triggers me getting annoyed.

Good luck!!! Hugs!

imaima

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 2:55 pm

It's hard to be around your kids all day long! Workplace should ideally be a change from home!
It's also hard to teach your own kids in agroup and give everyone a fair treatment.

I think the question is the same as "Why do I manage to act nice in public, but when I am at home I yell?"
Many people are like that!

sourstix

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:06 pm

I had this same problem when I was pregnant and going through alot at that point, and it was for so many months plus after that I was overwhelmed that it was one of the first things I did. I kept losing it and kept being upset everytime. I realized that if I wanted to accomplish sth I needed to stop. I saw that every time I yelled I was losing it with my son he wouldnt listen he would be defiant, and I had more problems than I started out with. I needed dh to help me and remind me before I acted. I asked him to help me cause I was so lost. and I learned that when I am angry I do not talk, I told ds that I need timeout when I was upset, I wouldnt even tell him I was upset cause he was winning that way. I was out of control. and I would tell him before that I will tell him to do sth then come back and see if he is. and I would to remind him and told him that if he doesnt do that there will be a consequence. no yelling just very calmly came and gave consenquence, now I am not perfect at this but if I am consistent it works wonders. he pushes my buttons and I try to tune out and just redirect to what needs to be done. like all kids he will do things to make me say dont do it, forget about it. so he doesnt have to do it. its manipulative, but thats kids they try to get away, or see how far they can go. I choose my battles obviously. get the picture. yelling means I have no control. some seforim bring gedolim that say yes you can get angry on the outside but not angry from within. I dont really know how to do it. I would love to know. bec children can benefit from that. I dont do things I dont know how to. I will leave that to gedolim.

sourstix

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:09 pm

[quote="imaima"]It's hard to be around your kids all day long! Workplace should ideally be a change from home!
It's also hard to teach your own kids in agroup and give everyone a fair treatment.

I think the question is the same as "Why do I manage to act nice in public, but when I am at home I yell?"
Many people are like that![/quote]

bec you dont want pp to look down at you. the school wont tolerate that. the kids will make fun of you. you want pp to think your nice, all of this is normal we all have these motivators. at home its your kids and you think its okay becasue its yours. I might be off, so ignore if I am.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:21 pm

I was having a similar problem and I read a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It helped me so much. Reading it changed my life. When I have a hard week I read a little bit of it at night and it gets me back on track.

Amother because I have said that last line exactly as is to many people in my life.

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviole.....05034

mommyofboygirls

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:25 pm

I second the amother above me about the Rosenberg book. Also, try to shift the way you are thinking. You are probably "talking nicely" because you have an audience (why which I mean everyone around you who is not you or your children). It helped me a lot to shift to seeing my kids as my audience.

imaima

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:31 pm

sourstix wrote:

bec you dont want pp to look down at you. the school wont tolerate that. the kids will make fun of you. you want pp to think your nice, all of this is normal we all have these motivators. at home its your kids and you think its okay becasue its yours. I might be off, so ignore if I am.

Exactly! You are right!